WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
NOW I DON'T KNOW--
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I CAN NOT WAIT FOR THE JANUARY 6th
COMMITTEE'S LIVE HEARINGS ON THURSDAY IN PRIME TIME.
THEY ARE DESTINED TO GO DOWN IN THE ANNALS OF LIVE TV, LIKE
THE WATERGATE HEARINGS, THE MOON LANDING,
AND THE TIME WALTER CRONKITE WAS SWALLOWED BY A PYTHON.
( LAUGHTER )
EVENING, WHICH IS WHY "THE LATE SHOW" WILL BE GOING LIVE, LIVE,
BABY, RIGHT THERE, AFTER THE HEARINGS.
YOU CAN'T KEEP US DOWN!
YOU GO LIVE, WE GO LIVE!
COME ON!
I'M TIRED ALREADY!
>> Jon: YEAH, BABY.
>> Stephen: I AM PREEXHAUSTED.
NOW, HERE'S THE DEAL: ALL THE MAJOR NEWS OUTFITS--
CBS, NBC, ABC, MSNBC, CNN-- WILL BE COVERING THE HEARINGS
LIVE, WHILE THE FOX NEWS CHANNEL WILL STAY WITH ITS USUAL
PRIMETIME LINEUP.
WELL, THAT'S ACTUALLY GOOD.
NO, IT'S ACTUALLY GOOD.
WE'LL HEAR DIRECTLY FROM THE PEOPLE WHO PLANNED THE COU
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TWEETS.
WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THE HEARINGS,
THIS THURSDAY, THANKS TO MARYLAND REPRESENTATIVE AND MAN
IN THE DENTIST'S WAITING ROOM REALIZING EVERYONE FORGOT ABOUT
HIM AND WENT HOME, JAMIE RASKIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SPELL A LOT OF TROUBLE FOR FORMER PRESIDENT FRAUD-O
BAGGINS.
( LAUGHTER )
FIRE UP THAT MOB AND TELL THEM TO MARCH ON THE CAPITOL BUT
RASKIN SAYS THERE'S MORE TO THE STORY.
>> THE SELECT COMMITTEE HAS FOUND EVIDENCE ABOUT A LOT MORE
THAN INCITEMENT HERE.
>> Stephen: OOH, THAT IS TANTALIZINGLY VAGUE.
( LAUGHTER )
TITLE OF BREAKING BAD: "ABOUT A LOT MORE THAN
CHEMISTRY."
( LAUGHTER )
PRESIDENT'S PLAN TO OVERTHROW THE LEGITIMATE RESULTS
OF A FREE AND FAIR ELECTION WAS TO GO TO THE SEVEN BATTLEGROUND
STATES HE LOST AND JUST MAKE UP ALTERNATE SLATES OF ELECTORS WHO
WOULD CLAIM HE HAD WON THEIR STATE.
WHY STOP THERE?
WHY NOT JUST BRING IN A FAKE MIKE PENCE?
YOU COULD BORROW MINE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
SO LIFELIKE.
YESTERDAY, WE LEARNED THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT HAS
DISCOVERED AN EMAIL FROM THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S CAMPAIGN IN
GEORGIA URGING FAKE ELECTORS THERE TO USE, "COMPLETE
SECRECY."
NEVER A SIGN YOU'RE PROUD OF YOUR ACTIONS:
"HERE'S MY RESUME.
TELL NO ONE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE MAN--
-- THE MAN-- ♪ ♪ ♪
THE MAN BEHIND THAT EMAIL WAS THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S
ELECTION-DAY HEAD OF OPERATIONS IN GEORGIA.
WHAT WAS HIS NAME AGAIN?
OH, YEAH, ROBERT SINNERS.
FINALLY, A SIGN FROM GOD WHO THE BAD GUYS ARE.
OTHER PEOPLE ON THE EMAIL CHAIN WERE HIS COWORKERS, SONNY
O'SATAN, IMA JAGOFF, AND JOHNNY DEPP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.
YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING?
>> Jon: I'VE BEEN WATCHING.
A LOT HAPPENING.
>> Stephen: SOME COUP PLOTTERS ARE ACTUALLY FACING SERIOUS
CONSEQUENCES, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, FIVE MEMBERS OF THE PROUD BOYS
WERE INDICTED FOR SEDITION IN THE CAPITOL ATTACK, WHICH
CARRIES A MAXIMUM SENTENCE OF 20 YEARS IN PRISON.
I GOT TO TELL YOU, SEEING THOSE GUYS ARRESTED
( CHOKING UP )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MMMM!
NOW, IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE PROUD BOYS-- THAT SOUNDS
LOVELY.
BUT AS A REFRESHER, THEY'RE A FAR-RIGHT, ANTI-IMMIGRANT,
ALL-MALE GROUP WHO TAKE THEIR NAME FROM AN OBSCURE SHOW TUNE
FROM THE DISNEY MUSICAL "ALADDIN" ENTITLED "PROUD OF
YOUR BOY."
IT WAS ACTUALLY THEIR SECOND DISNEY SONG CHOICE.
ORIGINALLY, THEY WERE THE SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALI-
DOUCHEBAGS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: AAAHHH!
AAAHH!
>> Stephen: THE PROUD BOYS HAVE A LOT OF STRANGE RULES, LIKE
THIS ONE: "NO HETEROSEXUAL BROTHER OF THE
FRATERNITY SHALL MASTURBATE MORE THAN ONE TIME IN ANY CALENDAR
MONTH."
THAT'S GONNA MAKE THOSE 20 YEARS IN PRISON SEEM PRETTY LONG.
BUT I DO--
I DO UNDERSTAND WHY THEY'RE SO ANGRY.
I DON'T GET-- WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THIS BEFORE-- I DON'T GET
ONCE A MONTH.
I GET NONE, THAT MAKES SENSE.
BUT ONCE A MONTH?
AS A TREAT, YOU KNOW.
THE PROUD BOYS ARE GOING TO BE PROMINENTLY FEATURED DURING THE
LIVE HEARINGS ON THURSDAY, BECAUSE THE COMMITTEE INTENDS TO
PRESENT LIVE TESTIMONY FROM A BRITISH DOCUMENTARIAN WHO WAS
FILMING THE GROUP, WITH THEIR PERMISSION, DURING THE RIOT.
WHY DO YOU LET A FILM CREW FOLLOW YOU WHILE YOU COMMIT
TREASON?
WELL, SAME REASON BENEDICT ARNOLD COMMISSIONED THAT
PAINTING OF HIM HANDING OVER THE PLANS.
ACROSS THE POND--
SPEAKING OF THE BRITS, SPEAKING OF BENEDICT ARNOLD,
ACROSS THE POND, THERE'S NEWS ABOUT BRITISH PRIME MINISTER AND
HAUNTED BOSS BABY, BORIS JOHNSON.
BOJO'S BEEN IN TROUBLE EVER SINCE IT CAME OUT THAT DURING
THE PANDEMIC, HE THREW MULTIPLE BOOZEY PARTIES IN VIOLATION OF
HIS OWN COVID LOCKDOWN.
IT'S THE BIGGEST PRIME MINISTER SCANDAL SINCE WORLD WAR II, WHEN
THE PRESS DISCOVERED THAT, SOMETIMES, CHURCHILL WASN'T
DRUNK.
( LAUGHTER )
WITH JOHNSON, ESPECIALLY NOT YOUR AVERAGE JOE 6-PINT.
RIGHT NOW, BORIS'S APPROVAL RATING IS DOWN TO 29%.
OF COURSE, THAT'S 29% IN METRIC, SO TO CONVERT THAT TO IMPERIAL,
WE HAVE TO MULTIPLY BY 9...
PLUS OR MINUS 32...
DIVIDED BY FIVE...
PLUS OR MINUS 32...
STILL BETTER THAN BIDEN.
( LAUGHTER )
OOOH!
>> Stephen: HEY!
READ A NEWSPAPER.
( LAUGHTER )
LOW POINT YESTERDAY WHEN THE BRITISH PARLIAMENT HELD A "NO
CONFIDENCE" VOTE TO REMOVE HIM FROM OFFICE, A VOTE HE SURVIVED.
WELL, OF COURSE HE DID!
JUST LOOK AT HIM.
THE MAN IS OBVIOUSLY A SURVIVOR OF MULTIPLE SHIPWRECKS.
NOW AFTER--
>> Jon: I SEE IT.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LOUIS.
BACK AT YOU.
AFTER BARELY HOLDING ONTO HIS JOB, JOHNSON STILL FELT
ABSOLUTELY TICKETY-BOO.
>> I THINK THIS IS A VERY GOOD RESULT FOR POLITICS AND FOR THE
COUNTRY.
WHAT IT MEANS IS THAT AS A GOVERNMENT, WE CAN MOVE ON AND
FOCUS ON THE STUFF THAT I THINK REALLY MATTERS TO PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: "THE STUFF THAT REALLY MATTERS TO PEOPLE, LIKE,
AM I A HUMAN MAN OR SOME SORT OF GRIZZLED MUPPET, PART OF
AN ELABORATE PRANK BY THE JIM HENSON CREATURE SHOP?
I'VE NEVER SEEN ME FROM THE WAIST DOWN.
OH, MY.
OH, MY."
( APPLAUSE )
OPTIMISM LASTS, BECAUSE OTHER PRIME MINISTERS, LIKE THERESA
MAY AND MARGARET THATCHER, ALSO WON NO-CONFIDENCE VOTES, ONLY TO
RESIGN SHORTLY THEREAFTER.
AT BEST, RIGHT NOW, JOHNSON STANDS ON THE PRECIPICE OF A
DIVIDED CONSERVATIVE PARTY, TO WHICH JOHNSON SAID, "PARTY??
WHERE?
APPLETINIS ON ME!"
THE ECONOMY IS STILL GOING THROUGH SOME POST-PANDEMIC
WEIRDNESS, AND THAT MEANS MORE SHORTAGES.
AND THIS SUMMER COULD BRING A BIG ONE, BECAUSE WE ARE FACING A
LIFEGUARD SHORTAGE.
AND JUST TO BE SAFE, I'VE SPENT THE LAST TWO YEARS TURNING MY
BODY INTO A FLOATATION DEVICE.
( LAUGHTER )
THIRD OF PUBLIC POOLS NATIONWIDE, WITH SOME HAVING TO
REDUCE HOURS OR CLOSE ALTOGETHER.
OH, NO!
NOW WHERE WILL KIDS MAKE CLASSIC SUMMER MEMORIES, LIKE GETTING
PINK EYE AND ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWING A BAND-AID?
( LAUGHTER )
ACCORDING TO AN OFFICIAL AT THE LAS VEGAS ASSOCIATION, WE WILL
HAVE A LAS VEGAS SHORTAGE NEXT YEAR.
IT'S GOING TO TAKE YEARS TO GET OUT OF THIS.
I'M NOT SURPRISED.
LAS VEGASES FAMOUSLY TRAVEL ONLY IN SLOW MOTION.
NOW, IT'S NOT JUST...
( APPLAUSE )
PEOPLE.
IT'S ALSO SHORTAGES OF STUFF PEOPLE USE, BECAUSE, APPARENTLY,
THE UNITED STATES IS EXPERIENCING A TAMPON SHORTAGE.
ON AMAZON ONE BOX OF 18 TAMPAX LISTED AS $114.
THAT IS AWFUL.
I HAVE A SUGGESTION WHERE THOSE COMPANIES CAN STICK THEIR PRICE
GOUGING.
AND THEY MIGHT GET TOXIC SHOCK.
( APPLAUSE )
RUINING YOUR JEANS.
IT'S ALSO RUINING YOUR FUN, BECAUSE THERE'S A HELIUM
SHORTAGE IMPACTING PROM AND GRADUATION PARTIES.
A HELIUM SHORTAGE?
I HAVE ONLY ONE THING TO SAY TO THAT.
( IN HIGH VOICE )
PROM, KIDS, BUT IT WAS IMPORTANT FOR ME TO TALK FUNNY
ON TV.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE ROBERT DE NIRO AND ROSIE PEREZ.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
STICK AROUND, WON'T YOU.