i once thought pete davidson was just
like obama biracial goofball who ruined
a once beloved institution but it turns
out i was wrong
pete's not biracial
good one and coulter if you're here
who's scaring the crows away from our
crops
[Applause]
pete davidson pete's dad
never got to see him on snl because he
passed away on 9 11.
pete's mom has never seen him on snl
because she blinks
is pete white is he black and colter
needs to know so she can decide if she
hates him
pete i actually thought you were black
but i guess you just have your uh dad's
ashy skin whoa
macaulay culkin looks worse than i
thought
david thanks for taking time away from
waiting for sandler to write grown-ups
three to be here
david spade's assistant once tried to
kill him in his sleep and the world was
shocked to find out you could afford an
assistant
pete davidson's ugly
he's actually going on his third year of
snl
it's been a while since i've been there
of course but you got to help me out now
is it the fourth year that they finally
let you see an orthodontist
jacked up teeth
fix that
jimmy carr's got better teeth and he's
british
rob rigel is here i actually really love
rob brego rob yeah rob was uh
rob was a marine the few the proud which
also describes his fans
look at this little nugget pete davidson
it's hard to recognize him when he's not
on snl
or on an adventure with the man in the
yellow hat
jules here jewel uh i won't make fun of
you yet uh because i want to give
everyone at home time to google who you
are um
my mom really wanted me to get you to
sign this uh
i uh i don't know what the it is if
it's a phone it's broken but uh
she'd really appreciate if you could
sign this
my mom came here to see you so uh yeah
pete davidson's here
i'm appalled that people would come here
and make jokes about the sacrifice
pete's heroic father made on 9 11. this
is not the roast of pete davidson's
father that was in 2001.
[Applause]
jimmy cars here when i first met jimmy
carr i thought wow jeff dunham's puppets
are getting amazing
jimmy you look like a butler in a
haunted mansion
i just met this guy pete davidson
backstage before the show a great guy he
asked to take a picture with me and i
didn't even realize he was one of the
comedians i told him don't give up kid
whatever disease you have you can beat
it
yes
that's a super bone tan that's the super
bowl champ
peyton manning's here i love peyton
manning
he's the
peyton
peyton looks like if football players
evolved to no longer need helmets
no seriously peyton i love all of your
work especially when i saw you in the
goonies yelling hey you guys
[Applause]
a super bowl is also what peyton's mom
had to cut his hair with as a child
pete davidson
yeah good to have you here tonight
you know
as he talks about in his stand-up and
everywhere else uh he lost his father on
9 11. pete your performance tonight was
a fitting tribute to your dad because it
was like watching a third plane hit the
world trade center
now really i actually
i do think you're going to be the next
adam sandler
and i knew it the minute i saw david
spade blowing you before the show
let's hear it for rob lowe okay right
bravo
or as gonorrhea doctors call him patient
zero
people call roblo a bad actor but that's
only because they never saw him tell his
wife he didn't that nanny
um
rob has two beautiful kids here not his
children they're just guaranteed in his
contract
rob was the first male spokesperson for
the lee national denim day which raises
millions of dollars for breast cancer
research
you know that's a great thing it's a
disease
yeah
it's a disease that his mother his
grandmother and great-grandmother
suffered from
but you're still a 16-year-old girl in
1988
it doesn't change anything
you still did that
i once thought pete davidson was just
like obama biracial goofball who ruined
a once beloved institution but it turns
out i was wrong
pete's not biracial
good one ann coulter is here everybody
and coulter if you're here who's scaring
the crows away from our crops
[Applause]
you know anne describes herself as a
polemicist but most people call her
[Applause]
you know last year we had martha stewart
who sells sheets and now we have ann
coulter who cuts eye holes in them
our first roaster
is pete davison now he's the newest
member of saturday live
this introduction is way longer than his
wikipedia page
guy from new york
it's pete davison
thank you
it's an honor to be at a roast hosted by
shaq's dick
[Applause]
wow wow ludacris and snoop dogg are here
if i was 38 i'd be freaking out right
now
[Applause]
oh
kevin i loved you as black annie
you're so good
[Applause]
it's good to see comedy central
diversifying his talent with whatever
race pete davidson is uh
you just look real you're just real
vague man a weird vague ass face and i
don't like it
i don't like your face at all you know
i seem like a nice person but when i
talk to you i don't have fun uh
pete peter's got a lot going on pete i
don't know how you can juggle snl stand
up and lower michael's balls in your
mouth all at the same time
an amazing
multitasker pete davidson is
hannibal burst is here everybody
hannibal
hannibal of course is famous for
exposing bill cosby right and only
for exposing bill cosby
no he deserved it though bill cosby hurt
those women without ever caring about
the consequences
that hannibal burris would become famous
look at all these scrubs on the stage
hannibal
natasha pete davidson i haven't seen a
more disappointing lineup since the last
lakers game
come on let's hear it for shaq
all right
thanks for being here and taking a break
from throwing barrels at super mario
i'm sorry
uh
what
please don't eat me uh
i'm so afraid it's so big
uh one of the many nicknames that shaq
has is superman
right and much like superman he pretends
to be a reporter and has never met his
real father
no no no no shag is cool though shaq has
shattered eight backboards in 79
cervixes
[Music]
[Applause]