Yes, Sheriff Gleeson?
My secretary said it was urgent.
Oh my God, that's awful!
His whole body?
And you kept eating the Twinkie?
Well, what do you think we should do about it?
No, no.
That sounds too expensive and not even that entertaining.
Look, that lake is uninhabited, right?
Ya, but last time I was up that way I saw her feeding the damn alligator.
Crocodile, whatever.
So, here's what I'm thinking; let's just close off the lake.
Nobody can get eaten if no one goes near it, right?
We'll take a couple grand out of the snow removal fund, put up a big chainlink fence
around the whole thing, problem solved.
And you know, this way - we won't need to bring in Fish And Game, and there won't be
a bunch of pointless sequels... everybody wins.
Excellent, thank you Sheriff.
Good luck.
This is Movie Night!
Hello, and welcome back to Movie Night - I'm your host, Jonathan Paula.
Apologies for the unplanned hiatus my film-loving friends, but some personal stuff combined
with YouTube's Adpocalypse really demoralized my desire to spend dozens of hours talking
about a bunch of old alligator films...
like only 1% of my subscribers will actually end up watching!
But...
these dumb movies aren't gonna review themselves, so let's continue with Movie Night's monster-movie
series with a look at the "Lake Placid" franchise.
We'll begin with the original.
Of the many disaster movies and creature-features released in the 1990s, this monster-focused
bore might just be the worst.
The Steve Miner horror film doubled its $27 million dollar budget after its release in
the summer of 1999.
When a massive crocodile begins terrorizing residents of a secluded lake - three unqualified
adults bicker with each other while attempting to stop it.
Bill Pullman, Bridget Fonda, Oliver Platt, Brendan Gleeson, and Betty White are all featured
rather prominently in this embarrassing waste of their respective talents.
Given the less-than-subtle scriptwriting, I want to give this group the benefit of the
doubt, but these really are some of their cringeist performances.
And, at the end of the day, having some low-level Fish And Game officer as your hero just isn't
sexy.
Admittedly, the R-rated production has a really provocative poster... and a halfway-decent
Jaws-inspired cold-open.
But that's about it.
The rest of the production is never outright awful...
it's just never suspenseful or scary.
And without any hint of self-awareness, the entire narrative slogs from one boneheaded
character decision to the next.
Like for starters: stop going near the lake!
This isn't Cape Cod in the middle of July - it's a small lake that has no public access
and only one permanent resident!
In fact, not a single private citizen is ever in danger in this film!
The only people harmed are involved in the research and containment teams.
If your conflict can be resolved by 'staying at home' - your film might have a shitty script.
Who wrote this crap anyway?
David E. Kelley!
The creator of Ally McBeal, Boston Public, The Practice - and winner of TEN Primetime
Emmy awards?
Jesus...
what happened to "Lake Placid"?
Was he high?
Did he lose a bet or something?
It is a staggering how such a great writer wrote such a dumb movie.
For example, just three minutes into the film, Gleeson grabs a Twinkie and whispers this
inane line to an empty boat, "Everyone's a comedian, sarcastic."
A truly bizarre phrase with an equally weird line-reading.
Filmed on location in northern Maine and British Columbia - the beautiful scenery and wilderness
cinematography is one of "Lake Placid's" few redeeming qualities.
Another, of course is White's - at the time - uncharacteristically brash and vulgar persona.
There's just something undeniably entertaining about watching a wholesome geriatric berate
Gleeson by quipping, "If I had a dick, this is where I'd tell you to suck it!"
Both practical animatronics models and halfway decent CGI bring the giant crocs to life with
mixed results; with the former looking (predictably) much more realistic.
Although the movie is often offensively stupid - the credits roll after only 77 minutes,
preventing it from overstaying its welcome.
The pittance of non-ironically enjoyable moments save the picture from being a total disappointment.
For those into "so good it's bad" experiences, "Lake Placid" unfortunately qualifies.
But let's see what you had to say in the comments.
Nobody really liked "Lake Placid", but nobody really hated it either.
The Movie Night audience thought it was ALRIGHT, and I think it's just "MEH".
And now, let's review the sequel, "Lake Placid 2".
It's like the first, but worse.
This direct-to-TV horror-comedy was released on the Sci-Fi channel in April of 2007; long
after any interest in the lukewarm original had faded.
Produced on a thin budget of $2 million, and with only a tenuous connection to the first
film, we once again visit "Black Lake" - home to man-eating crocodiles that have returned
to eat even more boneheaded humans.
Leading the charge as the town sheriff is "Dukes Of Hazzard"'s alum John Schneider - who
does is best with the Z-list talent around him.
Everyone is stuck recycling trite lines and playing dumb stereotypes.
You've even got the busty brunette who constantly bemoans about having to be 'outdoors'!
People go missing, no one takes the threat seriously, yada yada yada - you've seen this
one already.
Like, literally.
Beat-for-beat; the 88-minute narrative is a carbon copy of the original.
Someone is eaten by surprise in the cold open, a team of bickering morons are assembled to
kill the croc, and some lewd old women is seemingly behind their existence.
Plus, you've got boner jokes, Sam McMurray as a helicopter pilot, and charred pigs used
as fish-bait.
Somehow, this R-rated movie is even stupider than the last, with none of the ironic charm.
Never mind the fact that the waterways of Bulgaria are a poor substitute for Vacationland
- the visual effects are just embarrassingly bad.
Thankfully, director David Flores is smart enough to avoid revealing the scaly beasts
too early.
Plus, the film doesn't make any glaring technical mistakes, and works as distracting background
noise.
So, while "Lake Placid 2" is dumb, derivative, and decidedly uninteresting - it isn't deserving
of my lowest score.
So I'll only say that it's BAD film.
And now, a word from our sponsor.
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Thanks as always for your support - but let's get back to the crappy croc films with my
review of "Lake Placid 3".
Well, I didn't hate it.
Directed by Griff Furst, this $2.5 million dollar direct-to-television sequel once again
sees a group of man-eating crocodiles (and their cutesy offspring) terrifying a small
Maine community.
Colin Fergerson may be your poor-man's Thomas Jane (who himself isn't exactly an A-list
commodity) but he's the best performer in this group by a mile.
And that includes the film's requisite "big name" acquisition, Michael Ironsides - who
plays, what else, a gruff police sheriff.
In the first of her three-appearances, Yancy Butler does her best "bitchy" Jillian Michaels
impression, and the results are just grating and awful.
Honestly though, the actors in these movies are just a means to a gory, entertaining end
- so their performances are largely inconsequential.
All the horror-movie hallmarks are here: the skinny-dipping teens, gratuitous outfits,
and even a car that won't start!
But since this R-rated feature originally aired on basic cable, all of the otherwise
redeemable moments of gore and nudity have been completely neutered down to a TV-14 presentation.
But don't worry, later we get to watch a pointless hard-rock montage when a dumb kid tries to
steal some meat from a local market!
And in true "Lake Placid" fashion, a great deal of the picture's so-called 'humor' stems
from people condescendingly dismissing professionals and the possibility of a deadly croc.
Like, how terrible is this town's memory?
The same lake has now been terrorized by giant monsters on three separate occasions over
10 years, and people STILL don't take the threats seriously?
As for the scenery, the low-budget production has once again returned to the non-description
wilderness of Eastern Europe, while much of the third-act takes place on an almost completely
undressed backlot.
At 96-minutes "Lake Placid 3" is actually the longest in the five-picture series, but
was a weird little slowed-down flashback sequence really necessary leading up to the climax?
Although the visuals are nowhere near as realistic as the original - there are a few cool shots
accomplished; like Ironsides wedging an oar inside a croc's giant open mouth - and later
when a car is pulled backwards into the lake.
I feel like at some point during production, the VFX guys realized that could merge CGI
with people being dragged - which is why we see that same effect utilized no less than
five times in the film.
If
this picture was released last century, I dare say it'd be just as good (or as bad)
as the 1999 film.
But as a 2010 release - "Lake Placid 3" is just an embarrassingly formulaic guilty pleasure.
I thought it was LAME.
Next up, "Lake Placid: The Final Chapter".
More of the same.
This 86-minute SyFy original was released in September of 2012, and directed by Don
Michael Paul.
The TV-14 rated story once again features the citizens and officials of the fictional
Blake Lake dealing with a crocodile outbreak - which predictably results in lots of dumb
teens being eaten alive.
The optimistically titled fourth installment of the "Lake Placid" series is also the first
to feature returning characters; specifically the perennially cranky-pants, Yancy Butler.
Every line of dialogue she barks is a complaint or an insult.
She even channels a bit of "Die Hard's" John McClaine when she sarcastically mutters to
herself, "Come on out to the lake, have a few laughs...".
Alongside her is your poor-man's Kate Hudson, Elisabeth Röhm, "Nightmare On Elm Street's"
Robert Englund, and a host of English twenty-somethings who have various levels of convincing American
accents.
On the whole, everyone is serviceable without ever being offensive.
And indeed, that's sort of been the MO for this entire franchise - it's disposable, below-average
entertainment that's never egregiously awful, but hardly memorable either.
I honestly began to forget developments from one picture as soon as I began watching the
next.
The best monster franchises expand on their premise, introducing more threats, new abilities,
or unique attractions along the way.
This series however seems content with simply treading water.
It's the same story, and the same incidents over and over again.
Like its predecessors, this made-for-TV cash grab ticks off all the horror-comedy checkboxes;
an over reliance on CGI, a has-been actor as the eccentric villain (Englund), and pointless
bickering between the moronic humans.
Now, the problem with most low budget monster movies - like the ones you'd see spoofed on
MST3k - is that you don't get to see much of the monster and its victims.
The camera cuts away, stock-footage is used, or the lighting is really dark.
This technique - necessary for smaller productions - may not create an entertaining film, but
it helps elevate tension, and hide the film's shortcomings.
Paradoxically, LP4 suffers from the opposite problem; it shows too much...
too often.
There's no suspense when characters are gobbled up only moments after being introduced.
The best horror movies are a lot like sex; there's some foreplay, people get naked, and
bodily fluids are spilled.
This movie however is content with just having someone's dick get bitten off.
But the audience is totally cool with it, since his character is kind of pervy.
The movie and its characters seems to intermittently adhere to safe boundaries; one minute the
water is dangerous, and everyone should retreat to the shore, and the very next minute these
conditions are totally reversed.
Least we forget, crocodiles have legs.
Also, they seemed to have developed green night vision for some reason.
Unfortunately, this isn't a new 'ability' for the crocs - that, as I alluded to earlier,
would have made this picture more interesting - just a completely unmotivated style-decision.
At this point, you know what to expect from the "Lake Placid" series - and since this
is first picture in the franchise that functions as something of a direct sequel... you might
as well check it out if you've come this far.
"The Final Chapter" is an inoffensive TV monster experience.
I thought it was LAME.
Speaking of the 'final chapter', here's my last review of the night for "Anaconda vs.
Lake Placid".
So stupid, it actually works.
This made-for-television horror-comedy was directed by A.B.
Stone, and premiered in April of 2015 on the SyFy channel.
The horror-comedy marks the fifth installment of two separate franchises that both should
have stopped after the first.
In this outing, a confluence of ridiculous developments result in biologically enhanced
anacondas being unleashed upon the "Lake Placid" community, itself already ravaged by a decade
of crocodile attacks.
This time around Freddy Kruger has traded his claws for a hook - after his appendage-losing
injury at the conclusion of the fourth film... which he apparently survived.
Promoted to sheriff, Yancy Butler makes for a memorable protagonist - even if her acting
range only goes from "resting-bitch-face" to "just smelled a fart".
The sarcastic goth chick is easily the most convincing actor of the bunch, but her stereotypical
character is still shallow and annoying.
Meanwhile, the unrated version of the film drops any pretense as to why the sorority
girls are included in the story.
Make no mistake - despite being billed as a crossover - this really is just "Lake Placid
5"; borrowing that franchise's characters, story, and location.
Besides a passing line of dialogue, there's literally no direct connection to "Anaconda"
or any of its stupid sequels.
With zero returning characters from the snake movies, this is a crossover in name only.
And while I understand the structure of the title, it's no less stupid.
How exactly does a body of water fight an amphibious creature that's native to itself
anyway?
That's like calling a film "Bird Vs. Sky", or "Dirt Against Squirrel".
It's just so monumentally boneheaded.
"Crococondas" would have been a more inspired choice.
Much like it's "Lake Placid" predecessors, this film is below average, direct to video
trash... but never unwatchably so.
While the "Anaconda" movies got worse and worse, the "Lake Placid" series somehow remained
consistently passable - a trend this 92-minute sequel follows.
Like, when a fat slobbish hunter is mauled by dozens of tiny crocs, I actually thought
to myself, "Okay, that was kind of cool".
Generic bayou-style country tunes and tracks straight off one of those "ambient Halloween
music CDs" populates the score.
We return to the non descript wilderness of eastern Europe; filmed with a washed-out TV
aesthetic that doesn't do the film any favors.
Given the modest budget, I can get past the crappy CGI effects (which admittedly have
improved somewhat) - but what I can't forgive is the hyper unfocused editing; which never
allows us to really appreciate any shot before it quickly cuts away.
Ultimately, even the titular snake on croc action is a disappointment.
The few fights between the creatures we do see are unevenly matched, and end just as
they're getting interesting.
"Lake Placid vs. Anaconda" isn't satisfying as it ought to be - but it's still better
than it needs to be.
I thought it was LAME.
I hope to finally get back to a consistent schedule on this channel this summer - with
new episodes of "Tech Check", "Don't Eat The Spam", "Jogwheel Originals", and "Game Time
Hangouts" already in the works alongside planned episodes of "Movie Night" - including the
Planet Of The Apes franchise, which we'll be discussing next time if you'd like to leave
a comment review.
In the meantime, you can click here to watch my reviews of the "Anaconda" series, here
to see my episode on shark-movies, or click the Jogwheel icon to subscribe, and see new
uploads when they're released.
Once again, my name is Jonathan Paula, thanks for watching and have a good Movie Night!