- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
This is, "Breaking News."
(theme music plays)
- Good evening everyone, welcome to the Breaking News.
The show where we have no idea what we're about to say,
and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm GooGoo DaDa GaGa BaBa MaMa WaWa TaTa.
- And I'm Dale.
- Dale? I thought your name was
Oochi Coochie Bloopsie Woopsie Loosie Goosie Tootsie?
- Nope, It's Dale.
(laughing) It's just, Dale. Shit.
This strategy's failing already.
My friends call me,
no, no (laughing)
(laughs)
(while laughing) Doodoo Poopoo
(laughs)
Doodoo Poopoo (laughs)
Mauiwaui Aiyayiyai.
But you can call me Dale.
- Our top story tonight,
the celeb gossip Instagram account, "Sacrebleu,"
just posted 450 stories all at once
with scandalous photos of Ana de Armas
getting a back rub from Stuart Little.
Mr. Little was seen on all fours on top of Armas' back
doing little karate chops into her shoulder.
(laughter) Apparently,
while you were out partying,
Stuart Little was studying the bones and musculature
of the human body.
Later photos show him doing figure eights on her back
in his little red race car.
- Wow, I'm jealous. That Ana de Armas is a lucky lady.
(laughs)
- This is especially good news for Mr. Little,
who is renowned for his bad-boy, give no F's reputation.
- Oh, no! Not Stuart Little!
(laughs)
I'm so upset.
Not Stuart Little!
(laughs)
There's not even. What has he done?
- She has real tears coming out of her eyes.
Just in case you think it's fake,
there is moistness coming out of her eyes.
- Let me tell you seven bad things Stuart Little has done.
Just to verify, Stuart Little is the little,
the little mouse, little bad-boy mouse?
He fucked my boyfriend.
(laughter) Okay? Fucked up, fucked up.
Then he ate all the cheese in my apartment.
Carved a little mouse hole in our bathroom.
Every time I go to the bathroom,
little mice keep coming in, okay?
Clogged our toilet with his little mouse turds.
Human sized toilet, clogged it with this little mouse turds.
Fifth: came back for a second round with my boyfriend,
while I was home. (laughter)
Fucked him in front of me.
Six: Looked me in the eyes and said,
"you like that? You like that?"
Seven: Gave me a little middle finger when he was done.
- None of that matters to me,
Stuart Little, I still love you.
In other news, Pokemon.
I really like Pokemon, so this is great.
Everyone's favorite anime about dog fighting.
Oh. (laughs)
Prices for the trading cards have skyrocketed in value,
especially for Gengar, because he is just way too sexy.
- Gengar?
- That's right.
He's like if Kevin James was even sexier, and a ghost.
I've got a- oh no.
(laughter)
I've got a wet spot (laughs)
I've got a wet spot for any creature
whose body is also its head.
(laughs)
Man, Gengar could run a (laughing)
Man, Gengar could run a train through me,
(laughing) because he is, after all, a ghost.
Oh yes, I'd love nothing more than for Gengar
to float inside of me and kiss me,
(laughs)
kiss me but from the inside.
- Wow, I think I'm sweating a little,
mostly because Amy's making me feel uncomfortable.
- A lot of people don't know what it's like
to hook up with a ghost.
But don't worry, I've done the research
and these are the best practices. (laughs)
So when you have a hookup with a ghost,
wetness doesn't matter, so that doesn't matter.
(laughter)
And dryness doesn't matter.
Best part of hooking up with a ghost
is you don't have to be in any position.
They can enter you in any position,
and you don't even need orifices.
Like you could be a hole less sponge,
and the ghost could still fuck you.
(laughs)
Because they're inside you,
if you are able to do some inner work and look inside you,
then you could, that's the only way to be a voyeur I guess,
is to be able to look inside yourself.
Touching, touching fingers, even if you can't feel it,
is just a good way to fuck a ghost. (laughs)
- Wow, I knew more than I thought about ghost hookups,
but not the orifice thing.
We'll go now to Alfred for news about poison milk?
- Hi, you have to help me.
I'm actually Ben Affleck,
and I've body-swapped into whoever the fuck this is.
You have to believe me,
I saw a shooting star last night,
from the Beverly Hills mansion that I own,
and there was a big flash of light.
- Come on Alfred, stop playing around.
We have to alert our viewers about which milk
is going to make you a blow your colon out.
- No, I swear I really am Ben Affleck.
(with a Boston accent) Oh.
(laughs)
- [Lily] Oh, Boston. - Somebody get me
a fucking Dunkin Donuts and some clam chowder.
- Yeah, I'm not convinced.
Say five more things only Ben Affleck would know.
(laughs)
- Oh, I'm Ben Affleck, I'm wicked smart.
Wicked wrote, frickin, what's that? Argo.
(laughter)
I got a big old tattoo on my back, it's a Phoenix,
it's wicked crazy, dog.
- Now say five things that only he would know,
not something that anyone would know.
- Took me 12 painful hours to get that tattoo.
Eh, I bled a lot.
I fainted during getting that tattoo.
The tattoo artist's name was Jennifer, good old Jennifer.
(laughter)
Again, I'm wicked smart, no one else knows that.
And, uh, I love the movie Argo.
(laughs)
- I don't know why I asked.
I can't verify any of those things.
- I guess we'll never know which brand of milk
will make you tebid.
That is a reverse bidet.
- It's 2%.
- Disappointing, 2% isn't a brand like you said.
- But Ben Affleck has also been linked to Ana de Armas.
A theme!
- True! Love it.
Now we turn to our relationship correspondent,
Young Money Deuteronomy.
- Thanks, GooGoo.
I'm currently inside a three bedroom apartment
where a very boring heterosexual third date
is happening between two 26 year olds.
My inside sources tell me that the apartment is inhabited
by three males who are, quote,
"gonna go viral and cash out before we get canceled."
She's currently being shown a video essay
detailing why the Snyder cut is actually good
and not masturbatory.
And guess what? The guy made the video.
Now, according to my sources,
the date started at a California Pizza Kitchen,
where the male unknowingly took a bite of a jalapeno,
and had to spend the next 25 minutes
shitting so hard in the bathroom
that she had to text him,
"Are you okay? I can hear you grunting from the table."
- Wow, so much number two in this episode.
- After pizza, the pair went on a classic date bar.
The kind of place where they have cocktails
written on a chalkboard,
and the drinks are all fancy names like "Henley Regatta,"
even though it's just a gin and tonic.
Everything costs $16,
you've never been in a less comfortable chair in your life.
They do seem like a good couple though.
When he asked her to come over,
there was a long flirty back and forth.
It went like this, verbatim:
"Hey baby, you want to see inside
a two bedroom apartment in North Hollywood?"
And she was like, "okay, I have nothing else to do.
And also, could you drive me back to my home afterwards?"
(laughs)
And then he was like,
"Bitch, I'm not an Uber driver, you can drive yourself.
Or better yet, you can get on this Razor scooter
that I brought to the bar."
(laughter)
And then they were like,
"this sounds like a good idea, let's do this thing."
The moral of the story is: pound town.
- Thank you very much.
Well, that's all the time we have today.
Before we go, I must announce today's loser is, as expected,
(Amy laughs quietly) Amy Vorpahl.
- I don't lose every one.
- Okay, we'll see how that goes today.
And as punishment, they must now tell us what's on
the entire California Pizza Kitchen menu, from memory.
- Okay, um. Sausage party, pineapple city,
ding-dong town, a big baked potato.
(laughter)