It's very interesting when you get reminded of people
in subtle ways after they're gone, you know?
Like you see a picture, you hear a Linda Ronstadt song,
you drive by a Little League field
they said they would be at.
But the way my father has chosen to haunt me
is to have all of his debt collectors call me.
And there is a grip of him.
Because the other day I was at the food court at the mall,
because I like it there.
I was just sitting there enjoying myself.
By the way, the phrase "enjoying myself," pretty gross.
Sounds like what a Kennedy would call masturbating.
Ah, pinkies out, Ted.
But I wasn't masturbating.
I was having a Cinnabon.
Which is a lot like masturbating
because you hate yourself at the end of either.
And the cleanup's the same.
Because, you know, when you have a Cinnabon, you're like,
it's everywhere.
Now I have to do laundry.
You sleep in it!
And I'm sitting there.
I got my cinny-bun.
I call them cinny-buns. It's cute.
I get a call on my cellphone.
I pick it up and say hello.
The woman on the other end of the line
says, hello, Mr. Torres.
This is Karen from H&R Wider, and we're calling to get you
to absorb your father's debt.
And I said, well, I'm not fucking doing that.
So where do you want to go from here?
And after a little bit, she got so damn mad,
all she started to say was, you have to pay.
You have to pay. You have to pay.
You have to pay.
And I'll be honest, I got caught up in it so I started
screaming back, I'm not paying.
I'm not paying shit.
In the middle of a god forsaken food court.
So everybody around me thinks I'm terribly upset
over the quality of a Cinnabon.
And there's a much bigger situation going on.
And I'll be honest with you guys,
I'd eaten a bag of mushrooms earlier in the day.
So now I'm delusional and think I'm
Spartacus and command everybody in the food court
to burn it to the ground.
And I say something like, take Orange Julius first,
for he is not your Caesar!
I stop them because I'm a merciful lord.
Glue back in with Karen.
Look, you have to pay.
You have to.
I said, I tell you what, Karen. Let's make a deal.
And she said, well, what's the deal?
And I said, I will start paying
my father's financial debts to you
when you start repaying his emotional debts to me.
So now every week I get a phone call that's like,
hey, great game last night.
Wish I could have been there.