Ladies and gentlemen,
We are gathered here today to answer and age-old question.
- Right, what's Amy's deal? She single?
- No, we're dating. Come on.
The question is:
Who here does the best impression
of Captain Raymond Holt?
You'll be judged on voice,
body language, and overall lack of flair.
Everyone will perform the same scenario:
Captain Holt eating a marshmallow
for the very first time.
Let the Holt-off begin!
- What is this glutinous monstrosity before me?
- The sugar in this is quite sweet.
- Ooh, mm-hmm, mm-hmm-hmm-hmm!
- That's your Holt impression?
- I can hear him doing that.
- Looks like a sticky pillow.
- I don't care for it. Classical music.
[laughter]
- What's going on here? What are you doing?
- Captain, hey, nothing, just eating some marshmallows.
Care for one?
- Marshed-mallow.
Hmm. Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm! [laughing]
- I knew it!
OH, FUN. KELLY AND I HIT THE PARK, WENT FOR A LONG WALK.
FELL ASLEEP WATCHING TV.
OH. SOUNDS LIKE A FUN WEEKEND WITH KELLY.
SO, KELLY. IS THAT SCULLY'S WIFE OR HIS DOG?
UH.. WAIT.
NO ONE KNOWS SCULLY'S WIFE'S NAME?
I THINK KELLY IS HIS DOG.
WENT FOR A LONG WALK. THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WITH A DOG.
YOU CAN GO ON A LONG WALK WITH A PERSON.
AT SUNSET.
TALKING ABOUT NOTHING. AND EVERYTHING.
SOUNDS AWFUL. HIT THE PARK. THAT'S A DOG.
MY WIFE TAKES THE BABIES TO THE PARK ALL THE TIME.
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE DOING THIS.
LET'S PLAY "WIFE OR DOG."
HEY, SO SCULLY,
WHAT DO YOU DO AT THE PARK WITH KELLY?
OH, WE JUST WALK AROUND.
SHE GETS ANTSY IF SHE DOESN'T GET OUTSIDE ENOUGH.
AND THEN IT'S JUST YAP, YAP, YAP, ALL DAY LONG.
(Charles) HEY, WHAT'S KELLY'S FAVORITE FOOD?
PEANUT BUTTER. SHE'LL EAT IT RIGHT OUT OF THE JAR.
HOW OLD IS KELLY AGAIN?
WELL, SHE'S GETTING UP THERE,
BUT SHE'S PRETTY SPRY FOR HER AGE.
ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING SHE GOT HIT BY THAT CAR A YEAR AGO.
OH, THAT'S SO AWFUL.
WAS SHE CHASING SOMETHING INTO THE STREET, OR...
NO. JUST GETTING ME THE NEWSPAPER.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS USELESS.
SCULLY, IS KELLY YOUR WIFE OR YOUR DOG?
HOW CAN YOU ASK ME THAT?
I STILL DON'T KNOW WHICH IT IS.
NO IDEA. I COULD NOT TELL YOU.
WHOA. WHAT'S WITH THE CAST? I SPRAINED MY WRIST.
OH, NO! WHAT HAPPENED?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I'M FINE.
YEAH! GEEZ, AMY.
BACK OFF.
LEAVE THE GUY ALONE.
[whispering] ALL RIGHT, HUDDLE UP, EVERYBODY.
BRING IT IN, BRING IT IN!
SO HE WOULDN'T SAY WHAT HAPPENED,
WHICH CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING.
HE'S IN A FIGHT CLUB. (Jake) NO.
HE DID IT DOING SOMETHING HE'S EMBARRASSED BY,
LIKE SMILING.
ONLY QUESTION IS, HOW DO YOU HURT YOUR ARM SMILING?
ATTENTION, EVERYONE, I CAN HEAR YOU SPECULATING
ABOUT THE NATURE AND ORIGIN OF MY INJURY FROM MY OFFICE.
I TRIPPED OVER AN UNEVEN SIDEWALK.
I DID NOT THINK IT WAS RELEVANT TO YOUR JOBS,
THE JOBS WHICH YOU SHOULD ALL BE DOING RIGHT NOW.
GET TO WORK.
DO YOU WANNA KNOW HOW I ACTUALLY HURT MY WRIST?
YES.
I WAS HULA-HOOPING.
KEVIN AND I ATTEND A CLASS FOR FITNESS AND FOR FUN.
OH, MY GOD.
I'VE MASTERED ALL THE MOVES.
THE PIZZA TOSS...
THE TORNADO...
THE SCORPION, THE OOPSIE DOODLE.
WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?
BECAUSE NO ONE... WILL EVER BELIEVE YOU.
(Jake) NO. NO!
YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH.
AMY SANTIAGO IS OFFICIALLY LATE FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS.
WHO'S GOT THEORIES?
UH... ALARM DIDN'T GO OFF.
ALL THREE ALARMS? ALL WITH BATTERY BACK-UP?
COME ON, WHO WANTS TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY?
OOH! SHE WAS TAKEN IN HER SLEEP!
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
SUPER DARK, BOYLE, BUT WAY MORE PLAUSIBLE
THAN THE SARGE'S IDIOTIC ALARM CLOCK THEORY.
I BET SHE TUCKED HERSELF INTO BED TOO TIGHT
AND GOT STUCK.
MM, MAYBE SHE FELL INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION
WHERE SHE'S INTERESTING.
IT'S 9:00 A.M. WHY IS NO ONE WORKING?
AMY SANTIAGO IS A FEW MINUTES LATE,
AND WE'RE ALL TRYING TO GUESS WHY.
I'D LIKE TO PLAY.
I'D SAY SHE'S IN LINE AT THE BANK.
THIS IS FUN. (Jake) IT IS FUN,
BUT YOU'RE ALL WRONG.
SHE CLEARLY SLIPPED THROUGH A SUBWAY GRATE
AND IS HAVING TERRIBLE SEX WITH A MOLE MAN.
[elevator dings]
(Jake) THERE SHE IS. AMY.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
WE'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK. DO YOU CARE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF?
I'M JUST 70 SECONDS LATE. IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
SANTIAGO, YOU WILL TELL US, AND YOU WILL TELL US NOW.
THERE WAS A PROBLEM AT THE BANK.
HOT DAMN!
the P.S. 321 Thanksgiving Parade?
- Charles, you actually might--
- Who's Charles? I'm Tommy Gobbler.
And I'm stuffed with Thanksgiving happiness!
Gobble, gobble!
- Seriously, Charles--
- Uh-uh, I warned you!
I'm Tommy Gobbler,
you silly pilgrim.
- Okay, Tommy Gobbler.
- There you go!
- These are the Davidsons.
They want to know what happened
to their missing grandmother.
- I have some deeply tragic news for you.
[hip-hop music playing]
- Peralta, are you eating
an Italian sub for breakfast?
- I am, but Amy said I should eat more veggies,
so I got extra pepperoncinis.
Smart.
[coffee splashes]
- Uh, excuse me.
You need to watch yourself.
- I'm sorry... cop.
- All right, let's everybody just stay calm here.
- Or what?
Are you gonna arrest me for dancing?
- You call that dancing?
[crowd murmuring]
This is dancing.
♪
- What is happening?
- I'm defusing the situation.
♪
- Whoa... dancing captain.
Must capture image of a lifetime!
Oh, why is my phone always dead?
I paid $13 for it.
- Don't worry, Jakey. I got it.
- Okay. Oh!
- Oh, my hands are covered in butter
from making butter.
- I'm on it!
Must record, must record!
Camera on.
All right. Here we go.
- Dancing over.
Situation defused.
- No!
- Well, actually I got a little sick.
- Oh, really? I'm sorry to hear that, man.
- Yeah, "Bullets over Broadway" was on TV.
And I came down with a big ol' Dianne Wiest infection.
Like "yeast."
He won't say a word. The guy's a brick wall.
- Not to worry, sarge. I'll take it from here.
Hope you boys brought popcorn,
'cause I'm about to put on a show.
I hear you don't like answering questions, Marcos.
That's fine by me, 'cause I'm not asking.
Ooh, handle fell off. I'll just grab that.
[clears throat]
Nope.
So looks like we're locked in.
That's bad news for you,
'cause you're trapped in here with a psycho.
Has anyone tried it from the outside?
- Lock's broken. Gotta call facilities.
As I said, I got all the time in the wor--
It's a little warm in here, right?
Do you feel any air coming out of that vent?
I got nothing. We got an ETA on facilities?
- At least 45 minutes.
- And they've checked all this paint for lead, right?
And the room for asbestos.
I feel like I'm sucking on a tailpipe in here, Marcos!
Everybody get away from the mirror!
Come on!
I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
- Hey, calm down, man.
I'll confess. Just stop freaking out.
- What? - I did it.
I robbed 'em. - Boom!
And that's how it's done.
I was faking the whole thing to break him.
I coulda stayed in here forever.
- Good, 'cause facilities is gonna be a couple hours.
- We're gonna die in here!
- Just eating butter like a popsicle, huh, Boyle?
- Yeah, I know, I'm spoiling myself,
but I'm depressed. Or have you forgotten
that Jake, my best friend, is in prison?
- Wait, Jake's in prison? - Yeah!
He and Rosa were framed for a bunch of bank robberies
by Lieutenant Hawkins.
- Oh, right. And where's Gina?
- On maternity leave! We were all at her baby shower
last week. - Okay.
And why am I bleeding?
- I don't know, Hitchcock.
- Oh, so you don't have all the answers.
I'm bleeding because my piece-of-crap
son-in-law bit me.
- Look, we all miss Jake and Rosa,
which is why we have to keep working the case.
There has to be some way to exonerate them.
- I've been looking, but I can't find anything
and I don't know what to do. - "I can't find anything
and I don't know what to do":
title of your sex tape. - What is happening
right now?! - They caught Hawkins
trying to flee the country.
She confessed to everything,
and they let me out. - Oh, my God,
Jake, is it really you? Are you really here?
- You know it, baby. - [sighs dreamily]
- But first... I gotta hug my best friend.
- Yeah. - What?
- Welcome back, Peralta.
I just heard from the mayor.
To apologize for what happened to you,
they're sending you to Disney World.
You and one male guest.
- As long as I don't have to go on any of the scary rides.
- I'd just go for the shows. - Yeah! [laughs]
all: [chanting] Boyle, Boyle, Boyle!
Boyle, Boyle, Boyle!
- Boyle!
Were you dreaming about Jake again?
- Why did you wake me up?!
I told you never to wake me up!
[upbeat music]
[alarm clock beeping]
[alarm silences]
- Halloween. Mua-ha-ha-ha.
It's heist time.
Dah! - Thought you could get
a head start on heist prep? Good luck.
I'm already dressed.
- Well... I'm also dressed,
and I made breakfast.
Wait, where are my eggs? - In my belly.
[both scream] Now get a move on.
It's heist time.
- I love Halloween!
- So, do you recognize any of these men?
- I was hiding in the bathroom stall,
so I didn't see his face.
But I heard him.
He was singing along to the music at the bar.
- Do you remember what he was singing?
- I think it was that song, "I Want It That Way."
- Backstreet Boys. I'm familiar. Okay.
Number one, could you please sing the opening
to "I Want It That Way"?
- Really?
Okay.
♪ You are...
♪ My fire
- Number two, keep it going.
- ♪ The one... desire
- Number three. - ♪ Believe...
♪ When I say
- Number four.
- ♪ I want it that way
- ♪ Tell me why!
all: ♪ Ain't nothing but a heartache ♪
- ♪ Tell me why!
all: ♪ Ain't nothing but a mistake ♪
- ♪ Now number five
- ♪ I never want to hear you say ♪
- Whoo! all: ♪ I want it that way
- Ah, chills! Literal chills.
- It was number five. Number five killed my brother.
- Oh, my God, I forgot about that part.
[bright brass music]
- So,
two keys, huh?
That's a lot of snow.
- And if you can't handle it,
we're happy to find someone who can.
- Don't worry about me, friend. I can handle it.
Marissa, baby,
go get our guests something to drink, would you?
- We don't want a drink. - What is this, a social call?
- It's not a tea party. - We look like
five-year-old girls to you? - Gentlemen, please.
Have some patience.
Two keys.
Pure as a Catholic schoolgirl.
Did you bring the cash?
- Oh, we brought something much better than cash.
- What is that? - Our guns!
- NYPD! You're under arrest!
- [screams]
[yelling]
[upbeat electronic music]
♪
- Boss man's gone. Where'd he go?
♪
Thank you kindly, little lady.
♪
Gio Costa,
you're under arrest.
- You want that drink now, Hitchcock?
- Don't mind if I do, Scully.
Don't mind if I do.
♪
.
- [humming]
Another cold brew?
Don't mind if I "cold do." Nailed it.
I am loving this machine that Charles brought in.
- It is nice. The trick is to let the coffee
warm up to room temperature.
I'm already on my second cup.
- This is my third.
- [slow-motion] Stop!
You're drinking too much!
- Whoa, what's going on, Charles?
Why are you talking so slow?
- [slow-motion] I'm not. I'm normal.
We're all normal.
[dramatic music]
- [laughing in slow motion]
- If you're not going slow, that means we're going fast.
Are we going fast? Can anyone tell if we're going fast?
- I don't think we're going fast at all in any way whatsoever.
I feel like we're going slow in every way whatsoever.
Captain, how do you feel? - Great. Excellent. Amazing.
I feel better than I've ever felt at any moment
in my entire life. - So we're all fine?
all: Yep.
[rapidly repeating "Yep"]
.
- Bottles.
Boyle. Bullpen.
- What are you-- - Buh-buh-buh.
Bottles, Boyle, bullpen.
Bowling.
Behold, Brooklyn buddies,
Boyle bullpen bottle bowling.
- Beautiful. - Be brave, bro.
Be brave.
Bowl!
- [screaming in slow motion]
[dramatic music]
♪
- Bam! - Bull's-eye!
- Booyah!
- Babushka!
all: Babushka!
.
- I'm here! I'm here, I'm here.
You can start the meeting now.
- The meeting is over. You're late.
You missed roll call and the tutorial
on using the new copiers.
Six years, and no matter how hard I try, I still can't
get you to understand the importance of being punctual.
- Maybe you should just give up and accept me for who I am?
- No, I will break you.
Right now. - Oh.
- While you were out being tardy,
I was hard at work devising a special punishment.
I've crafted an intricate personal high five
with everyone in this office except you.
- What? But you hate high fives.
- Yes, every minute of it was hell.
But it'll be worse for you. Squad, dismissed.
Good-bye, Diaz.
- Salute into a fanny waggle?
- Good-bye, Boyle. - Oh, the snake charmer!
- Good-bye, Jeffords.
- That's a butt bump. - Good-bye, Santiago.
- Double fist bump reverse explosion
into a Pete Townshend strum.
[sighs] All right, that was terrible,
but it's over now, and I made it through.
- Good-bye, Leonard from Xerox.
- What? No, no, no.
The copy guy?
- Guys! I have a great idea for a prank.
Before Holt comes in
I'm gonna put ink on the podium where he puts his hands.
- I don't think he'll fall for that.
- I did! - How?
I haven't even opened this yet.
- I guess it's unrelated.
- Captain Holt hates pranks. This is gonna backfire, man.
- Ugh, fine, I'll tone it down. I'll...
move his podium a foot to the left.
- What? He'll be so angry.
- Okay, five inches. - Five?
- Three? - Three?
- One? - One?
- All right. I'll move it a half inch.
- Fine. It's your funeral.
- Oh my god.
Worst prank ever. So stupid.
Holt's not even going to notice.
- Good morning.
- You guys--
the podium, it's...
- Ha. [chuckles]
[laughter intensifies]
[riotous laughter]
[shouting] You're crazy!
How did you pull this off?