Potatoes in my fracking chili.
Hello. I'm Russell Crowe. I have a new movie. It's called Unhinged. In that movie, my character
is an sass-mole. Given my expertise in the subject of sass-moles, this is the subreddit,
"Am I the sass-mole?"
"Am I the sass-mole for storming out of a dinner when I found they put potatoes in the
chili?" Okay. "I am a chili enthusiast. I take chili very seriously because it is a
serious matter. I of course adore traditional Texas chili, which has no beams, but it may
surprise you to learn I also tolerate and am a fan of chili with beans. I'm even a fan
of vegetarian chili. These subsets of chili have been around for so long that I consider
them a valid version of chili.
"However, there are things that don't go in chili. You wouldn't put ketchup on salmon
for instance, or cauliflower in a steak. When they put my bowl in front of me, I was astonished
to see that in addition to meat and kidney beans, there were chunks of potatoes. Potatoes.
Potatoes in my fracking chili. I said, 'What the flock? What the falcon?' They asked me
what was up? And I said, 'I thought we were having chili.' They said, 'This is chili.'
I told him that there was no universe in which chili has potatoes in it. Never. That doesn't
go in chili. They said they wanted to try it out. I said, 'No, no.' I couldn't believe
I was seeing such a level of disrespect for chili.
"I left. I was accused of storming out. And I guess that's about right. Am I the sass-mole?"
Yep. Yep. You are the sass-mole.
Anyway. This one is, "Am I the sass-mole for permanently deleting my girlfriend's Instagram?"
Story goes like this. "My girlfriend and I have been dating for five years. I don't have
any social media. No Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snap, et cetera. I'm a private guy
and I like keeping my personal life to myself. My girlfriend on the other hand is obsessed
with Instagram. She has over 800 photos, posted on Instagram and is constantly scrolling through
Instagram every waking moment she's not working or sleeping. I confronted her a few times
about this in the last few years and she always tells me she'll cut down on their Instagram
use, but she never did.
"Recently, she was using my laptop because her laptop was at the store. And I noticed
she forgot to log out from her email. I did the forgot password thing, reset her password
to log in and deleted the account. She woke up the next morning and started screaming
about how I permanently deleted her Instagram instead of deactivating it and that I betrayed
her trust. Now she won't talk to me because she says she can't recover Instagram and her
profile of 10 years is lost forever. I think she's being incredibly childish, throwing
a tantrum over some random app."
Well, let me think about this. As the chief sass-mole adjudicator, basically what you've
done is equivalent to you breaking into this woman's house, taking her photographic albums,
and putting them on a bonfire and burning them, lost and gone forever. Yes, you are
the sass-mole.
You're a massive flipping sass-mole. Quite frankly, she can do better.
This says, "Am I the sass-mole for being pissed at my parents for taking us to Athens, Georgia
instead of Athens, Greece?" I'm already enjoying the story. "I've always wanted to go to Greece.
I love Greece so much to the point where I taught myself how to speak Greek, both standard
and Cypriot, and I can read ancient Greek. That's why I was so excited when my parents
said they would take us on a family vacation to Athens. I also made it a priority to go
check out universities in Greece as that's where I want to go. I showed my parents this
and they were like, 'Yeah, sure. You can do that. We don't care.' We fly to Atlanta. I
assumed it was a layover. We land and my parents said we need to get to the hotel and we need
a rental car. Weird, but whatever. I wasn't paying attention. Well, we drive for an hour
or so and I fall asleep in the car. And then my parents say, 'Hey, we're here. Wake up
sleepy head.' And I see a sign that says welcome to Athens, Georgia.
"My sister starts laughing her ass off and my dad starts giggling. I half assumed this
was a joke. And they said no, that we're going on vacation to Athens, Georgia, to my dad's
friend's lake house. I have never became more angry in my entire life."
I don't think you're the sass-mole in this situation. I think you've obviously got a
passion for all things Greek and it was quite a cruel trick that your family have conspired
together to play on you, which makes them as a collective a bunch of sass-moles.
However, there is a codicil to that accusation because they're also funny sass-moles
that it kind of, once you get into the funny sass-mole, you mitigate the negative of sass-mole. So
no, I don't think you're an sass-mole. However, you do have to think, why would your family
conspire so deeply against you?
Steel your nerves, brave soldier.