Welcome back to the show.
The latest crisis involving the president's staff
of wildly incompetent bumblefucks
has raised a lot of questions.
And as ever, Kellyanne was there to not answer that.
Was General Flynn the right pick in the beginning?
The president chose him, and that's--
and he was very loyal.
The president is very loyal.
He's a very loyal person.
The president is very loyal.
She's right.
When Donald Trump put his hand on those two bibles
and swore to preserve, protect, and defend
a mendacious Kremlin-stroking nutbag who would wreck
America's national security apparatus in the span
of four weeks, he meant it.
Loyalty is everything to him.
And nobody has adapted to that reality
better than speaker of the house and faithful husky Paul Ryan.
I'm not going to prejudge any of the circumstances
surrounding this.
I think the president made the right decision.
As soon as this person lost the president's trust,
the president asked for his resignation.
And that was the right thing to do.
Aw, you should see him do that while balancing
a Milk-Bone on his nose.
In his 20-year political career, the Wisconsin senator has built
a pretty solid reputation.
Paul Ryan, who considers himself the conscience
of the Republican Party.
Paul Ryan, who really right now is the conscience
of the Republican Party.
The heart and soul of this political party.
Paul Ryan, the Republican Party's intellectual leader.
The leading intellectual force of the Republican Party.
First of all, in today's Republican
Party, that's kind of like saying Moe is the smart Stooge.
And also, just because you say it over and over again,
that doesn't mean it's a thing, any more
than those articles about side-butt make that a thing.
Side-butt is not a thing.
It's just your ass hanging out of your dress.
How did a principled, social, and fiscal conservative
like Ryan wind up in bed with a bigoted, adulterous
grope machine who wants to blow $25 billion on a coyote urinal?
Let's find out.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I don't know.
I'm not really focused on these things.
I don't-- I've never met the guy.
I don't know Steve Bannon, so I have no concerns.
I'm a little busy, so I don't read
everything he says every day.
I'm not going to comment on this stuff.
Before Paul Ryan was dubbed the soul
and intellect of the GOP, he had earned
another prestigious title.
NARRATOR: Ryan became Joseph A. Craig
High School's class president.
Two years later, his school named
him the biggest brown-noser.
Mm.
Although considering who he's sucking up to these days,
Ryan's nose is probably more orange.
Remember back when Ryan would put on his best disappointed
vice principal voice and go out on a limb
to disapprove of the KKK?
This party does not prey on people's prejudices.
We appeal to their highest ideals.
And if your highest ideal is just an ideal race,
keep it on the down-low so we can turn a blind eye.
But after months of begging the candidate
to meet the bare minimum standard of human decency,
which he didn't, Captain Courageous proudly
endorsed him anyway via an op-ed in Wisconsin's
ninth largest daily newspaper.
He wanted to bury the news even more deeply.
But unfortunately, the "Jumble" doesn't run endorsements.
Ryan spent the rest of the summer feebly condemning
every racist thing Trump did or said while refusing
to condemn Trump himself.
Watching Ryan play moral watchdog
was like watching Taylor Swift pretend to be
surprised at an awards show--
bland and fake but weirdly compelling.
Claiming a person can't do the job because of their race
is sort of like the textbook definition of a racist comment.
I do not think a Muslim ban is in our country's interest.
Look, antisemitic images, they've got no place
in a presidential campaign.
Candidates should know that.
Take another cue from Taylor Swift, Mr. Speaker.
Know when to dump the guy you've only been pretending
to like to help your career.
It's kind of hurting your moral compass of the party brand.
What core principle is more important to the party
of Lincoln than standing up against racism?
REPORTER: Have you ever thought about whether somebody
in your position, regardless of party, needs to reject this?
How can you morally justify your support
for this kind of candidate?
INTERVIEWER: What do you say to your kids?
Fuck bitches, get money?
[LAUGHTER]
Turns out Paul Ryan is a man of principle.
Not principles, plural.
Just one.
The last thing I want to see happen
is another Democrat in the White House.
I don't want to see Hillary Clinton as president.
I want to see a strong majority in the House and the Senate.
You just made a case, though, of party over country.
No, it didn't.
Yes, you did!
We're not deaf.
Jake, can I borrow some shade?
The pride of Janesville, House Speaker Paul Ryan.
Thank you so much for joining us.
Thank you.
If Ryan won't cop to the House Republicans' game,
Grover Norquist will.
All we have to do is replace Obama.
We want the Paul Ryan budget, which
cuts spending $6 trillion, and then
pick a Republican with enough working digits
to handle a pen to become president of the United States.
Yep.
Paul Ryan would put Cthulhu in the White House
if it would let him privatize Medicare.
I mean, sure, it's an eldritch creature of infinite darkness.
But it can sign 20 tax cut bills at once.
And that is worth ditching a lot of core principles.
Remember eight months ago when Ryan condemned a Muslim ban?
He doesn't.
REPORTER: Now Ryan has changed his tune, saying, "President
Trump is right to make sure we're doing everything
possible to know exactly who is entering our country."
The president himself and others around him
have talked about--
they've talked about their preference for a Muslim ban.
Yeah, and I disagree with that.
I disagree with that.
Are you confident that there will not--
I disagree with it now, and I disagreed with it then.
But that's not what this is.
This thing Trump said was a Muslim ban isn't a Muslim ban?
Can you please elaborate?
It's not the same baseline.
Like, it goes, ding, ding, ding, di-di-ding, ding.
Ding, ding, ding, di-di-ding, ding.
Ding, ding, ding.
That's the way theirs Boom Ours goes,
ding, ding, ding, di-di-ding, ding.
Ding, ding, ding ding, di-di-ding, ding.
That little-bitty ting.
It's not the same.
By the way, that little-bitty ting
is also an accurate description of Ryan's ever-shrinking
nut sack.
Look, I know what you're thinking.
Who cares?
I'm not from Janesville or a registered Republican.
I don't have to die of embarrassment.
But consider, if in theory a hypothetical president--
we'll call him Doug--
were to collude with a foreign enemy, engage in self-dealing,
defy a co-equal branch of government,
share state secrets with the entire early dinner
seating of his private club, the clinically bonkers or, worst
of all, lie under oath about an alleged sex act,
guess who would be expected to draw
up articles of impeachment?
The pride of Janesville, House Speaker Paul Ryan.
Stand out of groping range, everyone.
It's going to be a long four years.
We'll be right back.
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