>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW, I'M YOUR HOST STEFEN
COLBERT. FOR THOSE OF YOU KEEPING SCORE,
EXACTLY TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY AMERICA WILL HOLD THE MIDTERM
ELECTIONS, AND I AM MID-CITED. BECAUSE ON ELECTION NIGHT, "THE
LATE SHOW" WILL BE LIVE! WE NERCH LEAVE YOU HANGING.
WE'LL GIVE YOU UPDATES ON ALL THE RACES AS AMERICANS TURN OUT
TO ANSWER THIS YEAR'S BIG QUESTION:
DEMOCRACY-- HOT OR NOT? IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE IN FOR A
NAIL-BITER, BECAUSE POLLS HAVE THE RACE TIGHTENING AS
REPUBLICANS GAIN MOMENTUM. BUT, IN WHAT COULD BE A GOOD
SIGN FOR DEMOCRATS, EARLY VOTING TURNOUT IS BREAKING RECORDS.
POSSIBLY BECAUSE OF THOSE SIGNS OUTSIDE THE POLLING STATIONS:
"DEMOCRACY CLOSING, EVERYTHING MUST GO!"
YOU KNOW? I'M SO CRAZY-- CRAZY EDDIE'S
MOCK SIN SALE. MIDTERMS ARE TYPICALLY A
REFERENDUM ON THE SITTING PRESIDENT, WHICH IS WHY JOE
BIDEN IS GETTING OUT THERE WITH A POWERFUL CLOSING MESSAGE:
"I AM ALSO AWARE THAT I AM OLD." >> I THINK IT'S A LEGITIMATE
THING TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT, ANYONE'S AGE, INCLUDING MINE.
I THINK THAT'S TOTALLY LEGITIMATE.
BUT THE BEST WAY TO MAKE A JUDGMENT IS TO, YOU KNOW,
WATCH ME. AM I SLOWING UP?
AM I-- DON'T HAVE THE SAME PACE?
YOU KNOW, AND THAT OLD JOKE, YOU KNOW,
EVERYBODY TALKS ABOUT THE-- YOU KNOW, THE NEW 70s, 50s, ALL
THAT STUFF? >> Stephen: "HEY, I GET IT.
JOE GETS IT. I TELL YOU.
I GOT-- IT'S LIKE THAT OLD JOKE-- THE
ONE ABOUT THE TWO FELLAS, I THINK ONE WAS A SALESMAN, THE
OTHER I BELIEVE A LONELY FARMHAND.
THERE WAS DEFINITELY A HORSE THERE.
WE ALL LAUGHED. THAT'S THE POINT.
POINT IS, THERE WAS A MAN WHO GOT UP TO ALL KINDS OF
SHENANIGANS ON NANTUCKET, GOD BLESS HIM.
HOPE HE'S OKAY." THE PRESIDENT FOLLOWED THAT UP
WITH AN EVEN MORE REASSURING MESSAGE:
>> I COULD GET A DISEASE TOMORROW.
I COULD, YOU KNOW, DROP DEAD TOMORROW.
>> Stephen: I MEAN, SCOM ON. I-- I COULD DIE TOMORROW,
ANYTHING COULD GET ME, DISEASE, STRONG WIND.
PARTICULARLY SPICY CHILI." THE DEMOCRATS ARE ALSO ROLLING
OUT A PRESIDENT FROM TWO TERMS AGO, WHO IS SOMEHOW A MILLION
YEARS YOUNGER: BARACK OBAMA. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH. SURE.
WHY NOT. ANY TIME YOU WANT.
YESTERDAY, OBAMA RELEASED A NEW GET-OUT-THE-VOTE AD AIMED AT THE
YOUNGLINGS. >> FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE JUST
TURNING 18 AND WERE ONLY THREE OR FOUR WHEN I WAS ELECTED, MY
NAME IS BARACK OBAMA. I WAS THE 44th PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES, AND I HAVE THE BEST JUMPSHOT IN WHITE HOUSE
HISTORY. THAT'S WHAT I DO.
>> Stephen: HE HAS THE BEST JUMPSHOT.
BUT NOT THE BEST DUNK-- THAT WAS PRESIDENT RUTHERFORD B. HAYES.
THE "B" STANDS FOR "BALLER." THEN, TO MAKE HIS CASE, OBAMA
SHOWED THE YOUTHS THAT HE'S STILL HASHTAG WITH IT.
>> I'VE HEARD A LOT RECENTLY ABOUT HOW VOTING DOESN'T SOLVE
EVERYTHING, AND I CAN SEE WHY YOU MIGHT THINK THAT.
IT WON'T MAKE "OUTER BANKS" OR "EUPHORIA" SEASON 3 OR RIHANNA'S
NEW ALBUM DROP ANY FASTER. >> Stephen: OKAY.
I LOVE THAT MAN, BUT THAT HAS REAL YOUTHS PASTOR
SITTING IN THE CHAIR BACKWARDS" ENERGY.
COME ON, GUY, COME ON. COME ON.
LISTEN, LISTEN YOU GUYS, "LISTEN, I'M GOING TO YEET SOME
TRUTHS YOUR WAY. NO CAP.
ARCHIE FROM 'RIVERDALE' WASN'T THE ONLY ONE TO COME BACK TO
LIFE. LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE BIT
ABOUT AN INFLUENCER WHO GOT A LOT OF LIKES, EVEN THOUGH HE
ONLY HAD 12 FOLLOWERS. NOW EVERYONE PARTAKE OF HIS
BODY-ODY-ODY-ODY." (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THERE IS ANOTHER HIGH PROFILE DEMOCRAT WITH NEW AD.
CHARLES SCHUMER. SCHUMER CHEUMER'S UP FOR
RE-ELECTION IN NEW YORK AND JUST RELEASED THIS AD WITH A
REFERENCE IN YESTERDAYISH NEW YORK, AND HE JUST RELEASED
THIS AD WITH A FUN LESSON IN YIDDISH.
>> LET'S START WITH AN EASY ONE. "SCHMOS."
JANUARY 6th, A "SHANDE." "NACHES."
HOW WE FELT WHEN WE PASSED THE BOLDEST CLIMATE LEGISLATION IN
HISTORY. I'M CHUCK SCHUMER, AND
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE, BECAUSE FIGHTING FOR NEW YORK
IS NO SCHTICK FOR ME. (APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: OY VEY. THAT IS MASHUGENA.
IN THIS YEAR'S ELECTION, MARIJUANA LEGALIZATION IS ON THE
BALLOT IN FIVE STATES. IS GLOWING GLOWING IN LEGALIZATS
GROWING IN POPULAR BUT COMES WITH ITS OWN ISSUES.
FOR INSTANCE, A NEW CALIFORNIA LAWSUIT ALLEGES ONE BRAND OF
WEED DIDN'T GET THE PLAINTIFFS HIGH ENOUGH.
>> Stephen: APPARENTLY, THE STONERS FILING THE LAWSUIT WERE
FURIOUS THAT A CANNABIS COMPANY IN CALIFORNIA SOLD JOINTS
LABELED WITH MUCH HIGHER T.H.C. CONTENT THAN THEY ACTUALLY
CONTAINED. T.H.C. IS THE INGREDIENT IN WEED
THAT GIVES YOU THE HIGH. AND THESE JOINTS OBVIOUSLY DID
NOT CONTAIN ENOUGH T.H.C., BECAUSE THEY WERE ABLE TO FILE A
LAWSUIT. YOU SMOKE GOOD ENOUGH WEED, SO I
HEAR, SO I HEAR, YOU SMOKE GOOD ENOUGH WEED, AND THE ONLY
REASON YOU'RE CALLING YOUR LAWYER IS TO SAY, "LISTEN TO
THIS GUITAR SOLO. ARE YOU LISTENING?"
LISTEN. (LAUGHTER)
WHAT DID YOU THINK? ACROSS THE POND, EVERYONE'S
WELCOMING BRITAIN'S NEW PRIME MINISTER, RISHI SUNAK, SEEN HERE
HOLDING THE BRIEFCASE THAT CONTAINS ALL OF BRITAIN'S MOST
MAGICAL WANDS. (LAUGHTER)
, AT 42 SUNAK OFFICIALLY BECAME PRIME
MINISTER THIS MORNING, AFTER MEETING WITH KING CHARLES.
AND CONSIDERED TO BY MANY TO BE VERY HANDSOME LEADING TO HIS
NICKNAME DISHI RISHI. SO MUCH BETTER THAN THEIR LAST
PRIME MINISTER'S NICKNAME: UMM... HEY, CHIEF!
THERE Y'ARE! THAT'S THE LADY.
WE'LL NEVER KNOW. SHE WASN'T HERE LONG ENOUGH TO
WRITE HER NAME DOWN. REALLY, A-W, A-W FOR THE LAST
PRIME MINISTER, YOU CAN'T NAME HER NAME.
ON THREE, LET'S ALL SAY HER NAME, ONE, TWO, THREE.
>> LIZ TRUSS! >> Stephen: HOLY [BLEEP] WOW.
(APPLAUSE) I WASN'T SURE.
PLIESES ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES. IN HIS FIRST SPEECH AS P.M.,
SUNAK WARNED THAT THE U.K. IS FACING A "PROFOUND ECONOMIC
CRISIS." BUT PEOPLE ARE QUESTIONING IF HE
REALLY GETS THE PLIGHT OF THE AVERAGE BRITON, BECAUSE HE IS
WORTH-- AND I'M ROUNDING DOWN HERE-- A GIGA-BUTTLOAD.
SUNAK AND HIS WIFE'S FORTUNE HAVE BEEN VALUED AT 730 MILLION
POUNDS. WHICH I THINK IS EVEN MORE IN
FAHRENHEIT. HIS FATHER-IN-LAW IS FAMOUS FOR
CO-FOUNDING SOFTWARE FIRM INFOSYS, WHICH IS WORTH
$78 BILLION DOLLARS, AND IN AN INTERVIEW, HE ONCE SAID THIS:
>> I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE ARISTOCRATS, I HAVE FRIENDS
WHO ARE UPPER CLASS, I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE, YOU KNOW,
WORKING CLASS-- WELL, NOT WORKING CLASS.
>> Stephen: OH, WE KNOW. NO ONE WITH THAT ACCENT HAS
WORKING CLASS FRIENDS. "I KNOW ALL OF THE REGULAR FOLK.
SIR WATTINGHAM OF TWINSBY, THE DUKE OF SHROPSHIRE.
MARQUIS DE CHISHOLM. EVERY TUESDAY, WE GO DOWN TO THE
GAZEBO AND SHOOT PEASANTS WITH CROSSBOWS.
IT'S A RIPPING GOOD TIME." (APPLAUSE)
RISHI'S SO RICHY THAT THE PRIME MINISTER'S FAMILY IS ACTUALLY
RICHER THAN THE ROYALS. SURE, BUT THAT'S AFTER PAYING
PRINCE ANDREW'S LEGAL BILLS. OH, PRINCE ANDREW FANS TOO,
REALLY? WHAT IS HIS LAST NAME?
HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE. NEVER TRUST ANYONE WHO DOESN'T
HAVE A LAST NAME. SPEAKING OF NOT AS RICH AS HE
USED TO BE, MUSIC ICON KANYE WE-- OR YE, SEEN HERE POINTING
TO HIS WORST ENEMY. TODAY, ADIDAS FINALLY ENDED
THEIR MASSIVE DEAL WITH KANYE WEST AFTER HIS ANTI-SEMITISM
CONTROVERSY. TO WHICH I SAY, "YE!"
SO, NO MORE SHOE. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING AS
FASHIONABLE AS YEEZY'S, YOU'LL HAVE TO MICROWAVE A CROC.
IT'S ABOUT TIME ADIDAS DID SOMETHING.
KANYE WAS CALLING THEM OUT. LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAID 10 DAYS
AGO: >> I CAN SAY ANTI-SEMITIC THINGS
AND ADIDAS CAN'T DROP ME. NOW WHAT?
>> Stephen: NOW THEY JUST DROPPED YOU.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THEY DROPPED YOU.
THE COMPANY RELEASED A STATEMENT, SAYING, "AFTER A
THOROUGH REVIEW, THE COMPANY HAS TAKEN THE DECISION TO TERMINATE
THE PARTNERSHIP WITH YE." EVEN WORSE FOR WEST, ADIDAS IS
NOW TEAMING UP WITH PETE DAVIDSON.
YEP, YEP. THEY'RE MAKING A NEW TEN INCH
SHOE. YEAH?
YEAH, SOMEBODY READS THE NEWS. SOMEBODY REAPEDS THE NEWS?
IN ADDITION TO ADIDAS, SEVERAL COMPANIES SEVERED TIES WITH
KANYE, INCLUDING FASHION HOUSE BALENCIAGA, TALENT AGENCY
C.A.A., AND VOGUE. WHEN ASKED FOR COMMENT, A
SPOKESWOMAN FROM VOGUE SAID: >> I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY IT'S
SO DIFFICULT TO NOT BE A NAZI. >> Stephen: THANK YOU, MS.
PRIESTLY. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT! MY GUESTS ARE EDDIE REDMAYNE AND
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, IT'S THE
END OF THE WORLD AS RICH PEOPLE KNOW IT.
STICK AROUND.