An INFJs ideal world is one in which they can help others and make a meaningful difference to
the societies they inhabit. They’re individuals who seek to be around kindness and compassion,
and they repel at those that are narcissistic or self-centered.
However, INFJs tend to also be overrepresented amongst victims of narcissistic abuse.
Just look at yourself! You're so pathetic!
They fired me Mark!
To be honest, I don't blame them!
You're useless...
So how can that be?
With an innate desire for authenticity in themselves and in others,
how are INFJs so often coopted by fake actors who seek to exploit them?
Well let’s explore with, What happens when a NARCISSIST TRAPS an INFJ.
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Narcissists exploit needs
INFJs love-love and being in love. As idealists they can be true hopeless romantics. They have
a capacity to feel every emotion deeply and so they’re always yearning for greater depths
in their relationships - searching for that forever love, the all encompassing, all in type
love. They want with everything that they are, and long for another to see them the same way.
This perfectionist and idealistic world view
can make them incredibly passionate and deeply loyal people to be with,
but it can also make them open targets for those skilled at sensing needs and exploiting them.
Narcissists are highly manipulative predators, and they have an unparalleled capacity to mirror
an INFJs deepest desires. Like a moth to a flame, they’re able envision and then morph
themselves into an alluring but highly deceptive persona; the Mr or Mrs Perfect of an INFJs dreams.
Damn it... um can I pay you back later? I work literally across the street.
Your colleague sam knows me really well...
No, I'm afraid our company policy doesn't allow that
Please the meeting starts in five minutes and my assistant-
I'm sorry man i can't help you
Could you please move to the side? You're blocking the other customers...
You know what it's okay it's on me
Oh you shouldn't have thank you so much
That's fine, it's my pleasure. I'm Mark by the way.
Alicia!
Let me get your bank details, so I can pay you back?
Or how about you just text me later
sure thank you!
They’re incredibly smooth talkers. They have an intricately polished way
with words and they usually able to use it to devastating effect,
convincing an INFJ to go against their better judgement.
A narcissist will deploy a multitude of tactics like showering understanding,
compliments and gifts to make an INFJ feel uniquely fulfilled.
Psychologist refer to this as the love bombing stage-
and its a highly common part of a cycle of abuse.
You know what?
Working marketing, I'm just so fascinated with human psychology
and it's funny to see how the smallest things
make the biggest difference.
I feel the same way!
It's like in photography it's the little things...
they're the only things that matter!
But for a while it can feel wonderful, so wonderful in fact,
an INFJ will usually find themselves inextricably head over heals with
the narcissists fantasy character and the perfect world they’ve conjured up.
But once they’ve hooked an INFJ,
they will start shedding the veneer of perfection they have carefully built,
exposing glimpses of their true colors little by little so as not to spook the INFJ- instead
manipulating and gaslighting until they have achieved their objective; ultimate control.
The INFJ will gradually start to notice everything has to revolve around their new love,
and how their praise will usually be followed by criticism. A narcissist will blame them for
their own mistakes, and they’ll have a knack for making an INFJ feel guilty and insecure.
Oh by the way, try to take it easy on the alcohol tonight.
I've noticed you've been drinking a lot more lately.
I'm not drinking that much, am I?
Well, there's going to be some important people at this party tonight
I just want to make sure things go well
Sure, I'll do my best
Over time, their constant manipulation and emotional blackmail will take its toll,
and an INFJ will begin to feel trapped in a one-sided relationship.
Like a live crab being put on a pot to boil,
an INFJ will not put the pieces together, until it’s too late.
Narcissists exploit empathy
INFJs are natural caregivers. They’re quick to comfort and reassure others,
and they’re always the first to lend a shoulder to cry on. Their compassion
is what drives them to do what they do - whether it's fighting for social justice,
supporting victims of abuse, or simply being there for their friends and family.
But unfortunately, their empathy is also
their kryptonite. The elixer in which a narcissist can feast.
To those that seek to exploit other strengths for their own gain,
an INFJs empathy can be a great tool one can use to abuse and take from them.
INFJs innate giving nature will often cause them to look for the best in others,
and so they’ll be quick to give the benefit of the doubt to a narcissist in character.
They’ll also be more willing to put themselves in
a narcissists shoes and see things from their contrived perspective.
This can them cause them to want to help, save, fix the problem, make everything better.
So I was thinking... as soon as you finish unpacking
let's go out and celebrate!
Oh my friend Hannah from New York is in town
And I haven't seen her in two years so we're going out for dinner tonight...
Really?
Today was supposed to be a special day for us!
Are you upset?
I thought I mentioned it last week and-
I was really looking forward to taking you out tonight...
You know what? Let me cancel on Hannah
and you and I will go out and celebrate
No, it's okay. Go have fun!
Hey!
Mark, I'm really sorry...
An INFJs generosity in this way can be an immense light that attracts the darkness in
those that can never be fulfilled. Those that will relish at an opportunity for
theatrics- to play the damsel or dude in distress. To act broken and in need
of love and support so that they may be mended into the Mr or Mrs Perfect of an INFJs dreams.
But this will of course be false promises, a fraudulent act a narcissist will dangle
in front of an INFJ to keep them trapped and under their control.
In the end, most INFJs will eventually realize there can be no redemption for some, no matter
how hard they try. But this can often take quite sometime, sometimes years, but sometimes never.
Narcissist will exploit sensitivity
INFJs are probably most known for their sixth-sense like intuition.
They have an uncanny ability to see beneath the surface,
to read between the lines, and to understand things that others miss.
This intuition is incredibly sharp and discerning,
and INFJs use it to navigate the world in a way that others just can’t. They’re able to
see the minute signs of danger before anyone else - the inauthenticity in others, and even
on a subconscious level they will always be aware of the toxicity of the narcissist they’re with.
But they suppress it, and unfortunately society often plays a part in making this so.
Well, he got really angry the other day,
when he found that his favourite watch was broken..
I don't know must have knocked it down while cleaning or something
It's weird... can you fix it?
I think so. It was just the wristband that was broken anyway...
but he got so upset, he wouldn't talk to me for like two hours!
That's a bit of an overreaction
I guess...
Maybe it was my fault for insisting that I didn't break it .
He said he was more upset about that, than the actual watch.
Still, that's no reason to give you the silent treatment.
An INFJs tendency to seconds guess their natural instincts often develops from
their societal and environmental conditioning. Most are raised to believe their intuition is
actually oversensitivity, an irrational fear that cannot be trusted, as opposed to the true guiding
light that it is - the useful tool they’ve been gifted to navigate life and protect themselves.
But INFJs in their pursuit to not be percieved as too sensitive or reactionary will often prioritize
a relationship they know on a deep level to be toxic, over their own sanity and well being. Time
and time again, they will deny their instincts, minimize red flags and suppress their inner voice.
The sunk cost fallacy is also at work when INFJs stay in these types unhealthy relationships.
A sunk cost fallacy is when one continues to pursue an endeavor that they have already
committed to, in terms of investing money, time or effort, even if those costs are not recoverable.
This can contribute to an INFJs entrapment because instead of evaluating their relationships based
on its merits in the present and what the likely value will be in the future,
an INFJ will base their decision to stay on what they’ve already invested.
And its this loyalty and commitment to making a toxic relationship work
that can keep them in a cycle of abuse for much longer than some other types.
Many INFJs are empaths and survivors of childhood
abuse and as a result they can go through the world wanting to fix and heal others.
But you cannot fix or heal a narcissist. They are forever locked in childhood,
are unable to feel empathy or remorse and they are empty people who mirror
others for the qualities and emotions they will never be able to possess themselves.
An INFJ can avoid the pitiful of their charms by learning their red flags and
developing very healthy boundaries while understanding it’s not their job to fix people.
When someone shows you who they are the first time - believe them.