Hey guys!
Welcome back to Lavendaire.
Today I want to tackle self worth, self esteem, and insecurities,
because this is something we all go through.
We all have self worth, self esteem issues.
We all have insecurities.
If you're human, this is just a natural part of being human.
If you don't have any insecurities, you're probably a psychopath or sociopath.
But anyway, I've asked you guys for your help on Instagram,
so you guys have asked me your questions, you've shared what you're going through.
Throughout this video, I'm going to address and answer some of your questions.
It's not going to be a Q&A, it's just going to be a format of my video, answering your questions.
By the end of this video, you'll have more tools and exercises
to build up your self worth and overcome your insecurities.
And I'm not sure how long this video will be, but if it's long,
I'll include timestamps down below so you can skip to the certain sections
or questions that you're interested in.
First off, let's talk about why we feel unworthy, not good enough, and insecure about ourselves.
A lot of it has to do with our conditioning in society.
So depending on how you grew up, maybe your parents would compare you to other people,
whether it's your siblings or cousins or their friends' kids,
and you felt that comparison and you felt like, "Oh my god, I'm not good enough."
Or maybe your parents set really high expectations for you, like Asian parents do,
and they set you to this standard of perfection,
and if you're not a straight-A student and a super perfect kid,
then you feel like you're not good enough and you feel like you don't deserve
the love and affection of your parents because you are not that perfect child.
Your conditioning could come from school, where you're in a group setting and,
inherently as humans, we tend to compare yourself to the other kids in your class –
whether it's your teacher doing that by how the teacher awards certain students and not you.
Or maybe you realize that whether you're learning slower than other kids
or you're just different in a certain way.
I think the way society is structured makes it really, really easy for us to compare ourselves
and hold ourselves to the standard of what is acceptable, what is perfect in society's eyes.
And if we don’t' meet those standards, we feel like we are less than.
And now, in this social media era that we live in, it is so easy to compare ourselves to others
and it's so easy to see beautiful people on our phones every single day.
that it obviously makes you feel insecure about yourself,
how you look, your body, and your achievements as well.
There's just so much out there to compare ourselves to that it's just crazy.
Women especially have a tough time with our self worth, self esteem issues,
because so much of our self esteem is tied into how we look,
because society, mainstream media tells us that "This is the standard of beauty,
and if you don't meet that standard, then you are 'less than'."
I was reading this book called "Beyond Beautiful",
and in the book, it says that 1/3 of women's self esteem issues are tied with our body image.
It's how you perceive and feel about your bodies.
Okay, but I don't know about you, but every single woman I know is not 100% confident in their bodies.
We just tend to be insecure about little flaws here and there, and body image,
body love is a whole other video of its own, but it does play a big part in your self esteem and your self worth.
Because our appearance is tied so much into our self worth and self esteem,
we tend to feel insecure and we're always comparing ourselves,
feeling not as pretty as other girls out there,
even if your loved ones compliment you or tell you "You're beautiful. You look good today",
we are so insecure that we don't even believe them.
And that means that their love cannot reach us because we have this barrier of self doubt –
I don't want to say "self hatred", but you know what I mean, it basically is.
We are putting ourselves down because we don't believe in ourselves.
If you don't believe that you are worthy and you don't have high self esteem,
you are your own worst enemy.
Today we are going to learn to undo all of that self criticism, self hate,
and really, really, truly start to see your self worth, your beauty,
start to love yourself, and overcome all of those insecurities.
Dependence vs. independence.
Starting today, we are going to work on our emotional, mental, physical independence,
meaning: you don't depend on anyone or any external factor to give you love,
to give you approval, to give you all of those good feelings that we all love and crave.
As humans, we crave acceptance, we crave love, we crave approval.
It's a part of our brains, the way we're wired, to want to be accepted into the tribe.
That's okay and that's totally normal.
But it becomes a problem when all of the approval you need comes from external validation.
You don't want to be craving other people's approval, meaning:
"I just want everyone to like me.
I want other people to think I'm pretty.
I want them to think I'm funny.
I want them to think I'm great."
And if people don't approve of you or if they don't like you or think you're the best, you feel sad.
When we're children, we crave the love and approval from our parents,
and that is totally normal because as a child, you are dependent.
You need your parents to survive and your parents are guiding you into society, into the tribe.
And so we do kind of need that love and approval.
And if you had a childhood where you didn't get the love and approval that you needed from your parents,
then you're going to seek that out in other ways, through other people,
whether it's true dating or whether it's through friendships
or joining a group where you feel like you belong.
All of this is dependent on others to give us the love and approval that we need to survive.
And this was normal as a child because you seriously needed other people's help to survive.
But as you grow up and you become an adult,
most of us don't shed that part of us that needs other people's approval and support.
You think you need other people's approval and other people's love so that you can survive.
It's a psychological thing.
But emotional maturity and growing up is learning to be independent.
And being emotionally and mentally independent means that you don't need that approval from others
and love from others because you've learned to give it to yourself.
Learning to be independent as an adult in the real world is learning to take care of yourself
physically, financially, mentally (meaning you can think for yourself),
and emotionally (meaning you can give yourself the love and all the feelings,
all the things that you need to feel whole).
So I want you to self reflect on yourself, your tendencies.
Are you dependent or independent?
And keep in mind: In different areas of life, you could be either/or.
It doesn't mean you're fully dependent or fully independent.
We're all a mix of both.
For example: Being dependent, mentally, means that you can't think for yourself.
You always need to ask other people for their advice, what they think,
and what this person thinks, in order to come to your own conclusions.
But to be mentally independent means that you trust your own mind
that you can think for yourself and your life.
And like I mentioned, emotional independence is what we're looking for
because that will free you from needing external validation
and you will be able to give yourself the love and to feel whole
and to feel worthy without the need of anything outside of yourself.
That is learning to be an emotional adult.
I also want to add that, in order to be in a healthy relationship with someone,
you must first be emotionally independent, meaning:
You can't depend on your significant other to give you the love
and the attention and everything that you crave.
You really have to give it to yourself and learn self love, self worth first,
in order to be in a healthy, functioning relationship.
Both people need to be emotionally independent in order to work healthy together,
because that is where jealousy comes from.
That's where insecurity in a relationship comes from.
So many relationship issues and miscommunications come from depending on that person too much.
That's why you have a clingy girlfriend, a clingy boyfriend.
And you know what?
I've been there before, guys.
I'm not perfect.
My relationship with Wilson, we've been together for 12 years now,
but in high school and college, I was totally dependent on him and needed so much from him.
And it's been a journey to learn how to stand for myself
and give myself the love that I need so that I don't really need him.
It's more that you want to be with this person because it's fun
and you make a great team together, but you don't NEED them to live.
You don’t NEED their love to survive.
You have enough love that you give to yourself,
and that is a huge journey, huge learning lesson that takes time.
Now let's talk about how to truly believe that you are worthy and that you are enough.
First, you have to understand where to not base your self worth on.
We already talked about not basing your self worth on external validations from other people or other things.
It also means not holding yourself to the standard of perfection.
Some people subconsciously believe that "I am not worthy because I am not perfect."
Newsflash: Nobody's perfect.
Perfection is not a reality.
So stop thinking about perfection, stop holding yourself to such a high standard.
Know that you are already worthy as you are.
You don't really have to try to be worthy.
A baby is born, and a baby has so much worth and value.
People love a baby, and the parents are going to take care of that baby,
not because the baby did well in school.
The baby didn't build a company.
It didn't do anything to prove its worth.
The baby was just a living being,
and you, as just a living being, are worthy enough as you are.
So stop putting your worth in your productivity.
This is huge because so much of us in school, we get applauded for trying hard and being productive,
getting good grades, and so we feel worthy only if we are being productive or doing well in life.
And that's a huge one that even I'm still unlearning.
Another similar one is: Stop putting yourself self worth in your performance, meaning:
You have to be #1 to be worthy.
You have to be the best in this category to be worthy.
And you have to be better than everyone else.
Whatever it is, even if you're not performing, you are still worthy.
That is something you have to learn as well.
Stop putting your self worth in your looks
because that is something that I think a lot of people fall into and looks are not forever.
Anything physical out here is temporary.
We're all going to age, we're all going to get old and wrinkly, if we are lucky enough to live that long.
If you're putting your worth into something as temporary and subjective as your looks,
then your worth is on such a shaky foundation that it could collapse any time.
Beauty standards change over time.
Every 20 or 30 years, the standard of beauty changes.
Back then, what was considered beautiful was these big, voluptuous, fertile,
womanly bodies because food was scarce.
Then in the 90s, it was a stick frame.
The Kate Moss supermodel frame was what was considered beautiful.
And now, what's considered beautiful are still thin, muscular bodies with big butts, big boobs.
It really changes over time, and you might be considered beautiful now,
but you might not be considered beautiful in 20 years.
And something as shaky as that is so ridiculous.
Thank goodness we are making progress in beauty standards and body image and everything.
But it still is something that's very, very dangerous to put your self worth into.
I hope you understand that.
Know that your self worth comes from within,
regardless of what you look like, regardless of anything on the outside.
And I know it's not easy because it is true, we live in a material world where appearances do matter.
People do judge you on how successful you are.
But that's other people judging you on how successful or how beautiful you are.
It's not you judging yourself.
All that matters is how you feel about yourself.
That's what self worth is.
Regardless of what people think of you, if you believe in your self worth, then you will be invincible.
That is the goal, okay?
Now let me give you some practical tools and exercises to uncover your true self worth
because it is there, you are amazing.
You just have to see it for yourself.
I'm sure the people around you who love you see your worth, and maybe you can start there.
You can ask the people around you, ask your loved ones
what they think about you, what they like about you.
What are your personality traits that they really like?
What are your strengths and what are your gifts?
These are questions that you should ask yourself too.
What do I like about my personality?
Am I funny, am I intelligent, am I hard-working?
What are my strengths, gifts, and passions?
I love reading, that's cool.
I love snorkeling, that's cool too.
It could be anything.
You are so unique.
You have strengths and gifts and things that make you so different than anyone else,
and that in itself is already so worthy.
And you might have an interest in Lord of the Rings and you write fan fiction.
There are so many things that make you cool and awesome and different from anyone else out there.
If you watched my previous video on self worth keepsakes,
I shared a few things that I was proud of in my life.
You can ask yourself, "What things have I created in my life?
What things am I proud of in my life?"
Those are things that can remind you of your self worth.
They remind you that your life has meaning, has a purpose.
The point is to focus on the things that you have, focus on your strengths,
focus on the good things in your life that you're grateful for,
and you're going to feel that your life is worthy and you're going to feel worthy
and feel positive about your life, rather than feeling worthless.
I noticed that people who have low self esteem or self worth tend to downplay their accomplishments.
They downplay all the good things that they've done,
and they up-play all the negative things that they've done, or the negative traits about themselves.
They're like, "Oh, I suck at basketball,"
and "Yeah, I might have won the spelling bee in first grade
but whatever, that was first grade. It's not a big deal."
Similar to when these people are being complimented, they kind of shield off those comments.
It's not even being humble, because being humble is just not being full of yourself.
But these people literally, when they get complimented,
they're like, "No, you're wrong.
I'm not great.
I'm not beautiful.
I'm not that."
It's because they don't believe in their self worth.
You got to flip it.
You got to flip your thinking and flip the habits and really, really just own it.
Know that you are worthy and you're amazing.
Basically, building up your self worth is also building up your self love.
And self love, you guys know, it's a practice.
It's an ongoing thing that you have to work on each and every single day.
Before I wrap up, I want to touch on a couple more things in this video.
First off: imposter syndrome.
I was debating whether I should make a whole video on imposter syndrome.
Let me know if you want one.
To me, imposter syndrome just comes from that low self worth and low self esteem.
It's when you don't believe you're good enough for where you are in life, or for the things that you get in life.
You don't believe that you deserve the success or deserve recognition or appreciation.
And that all has to do with you not believing in your own self worth, and we already talked about that.
It's kind of like when people compliment you and you don't accept it.
You have to believe in yourself and you have to find it in yourself to be your own best friend
and be the best supporter you have, because who else is going to do that for you?
Imposter syndrome happens when you don't believe in yourself
and other people around you believe in you and you feel like a fraud.
That's on you.
You don't fix it through other people.
You fix it by looking within and working on your self esteem and your self worth.
Another thing I wanted to address that someone asked on Instagram was:
How do you find your self worth after a traumatic experience?
Or after abuse?
Those times are really, really tough and I understand that it takes time to grieve
and go through the pain and face it and be able to even heal and hopefully even forgive for that.
But to find your self worth after any traumatic or abusive experience is to know that you do not
let others define your worth, and you also do not let the experience in life that happened to you
define your self worth, because it's the same as defining your self worth through external factors,
which is not real and it's not a great foundation.
Your self worth should come from within, regardless of the things that happened to you,
regardless of what other people do to you or say to you.
And I know it's easier said than done, but you really have to look within yourself,
because you're not going to find the healing outside of yourself.
You're not going to find your worth outside of yourself.
It's gotta come from within.
You gotta see the goodness that you still have, see the personality,
see the worth that you still have, even after going through such hard experiences.
And if anything, you've become a stronger person and you have a story to tell.
You have value and life experiences that you can use to help other people
who are going through the same thing.
That is worth.
If anything, after a traumatic experience, you have more – do you know what I mean?
You are not any less.
You are even stronger than before and you have even more worth – I don't want to say "more worth" …
Worth is immeasurable, is what I'm saying.
Worth is not something to be measured.