Sometimes in a relationship, you can feel like you're losing momentum. You
and your partner are getting a bit comfortable. You're not really taking action on your goals
the way you were. You're perhaps not being your most attractive selves the way you were
when you met. Now, you don't want to point out your partner's lack of motivation blatantly,
but you do want to be able to inspire him and inspire yourself to reach new heights
together. So today, I'm talking about five questions that you can use to help you inspire
your partner to greatness. Don't forget to download the first chapter of the book. It's
available for free in the description below.
In relationships, it can be very easy to get comfortable. Unfortunately, comfort
rarely inspires action. So what I want to give you today is questions to help inspire
your partner to action. Now before we go onto that, it's always best to check your own backyard
before you go cleaning up your partner's.
If you want to come at this conversation with your partner, it's best to do so with
something yourself that you haven't been taking action in. What's an area of life, an area
of self development, an area of health, an area of wealth that you could do better in
- something you haven't taken much, much action in. Unless your partner brings up a conversation
about goals himself, you're going to have to bring it up and you don't really want to
come in attacking your partner's motivation or calling him lazy. That's not going to achieve
anything. So instead, figure out an area that you could do better in and start a conversation
around goals using that. Here's a question to set up the conversation that I'd recommend
using.
Jermia: Babe, I need to help with something. I want to get my um, my business and fitness
goals back on track. I was just wondering if we'd like to set some goals together.
This is a great setup question because asking him for his help gets him on
your side. It says, I want to work with you to achieve this goal. Once he's on your side,
and once he feels like you're on his side, he's going to want to work with you. And when
you're taking the first action and working on a goal yourself, he's much more likely
to come to the table as well. Now, the conversation should be exciting. You want to talk about
stuff that excites you. So the first question you ask once he starts talking about his goals
is this.
Jermia: Why? Why do you want that?
Start with why. This is a really important concept. Motivation is driven by
the deepest structures of the limbic system. It has to be either a march away from pain
or a march towards pleasure. You want to figure out what deeply motivates him. So when he
tells you his goal, figure out why. Why does he want that? Is it to live a financially
free life? Is it to take care of the children? Is it because he wants to inspire others?
Whatever is his why, listen carefully. That's his currency. That's his motivation. Now move
on to question two.
Jermia: Okay, so what do you need to do next?
Remember, you don't always need motivation to drive action. Sometimes it can
work the other way around. Taking the action even when you don't feel like it and don't
have the motivation leads to the motivation. Imagine that time where you forced yourself
to sit down and write a report and you write the first 50 words and it sucks, and then
you turn around, you've written 500. You don't want to go to the gym, but you show up anyway
and you have a great session. You're not motivated to go out, but your friends drag you out and
you have a fantastic night. Action can drive motivation, so figure out that the very next
little action step, just the next little thing. Asking him what do you need to do next takes
away from this big overwhelming task and just makes it the one little action that he needs
to do next. Once you've established what he needs to do next, ask him this.
Jermia: I see, what's stopping you?
If something wasn't stopping him, he would've done it already. So figure
out what the roadblock is. Help him figure out that block. Maybe it's something superficial,
lack of time, lack of money, which really comes back to a fear of failure. Or maybe
it's something deeper. For a lot of men, what's stopping them is fear of disappointing you.
Once he's in a relationship and once he's established and once he's got you attracted
to him, he can fear losing that and taking a very risky action that's likely to result
in failure, might not be something that he wants to do. He might be worried about your
attraction and you losing attraction for him because he doesn't want to fail in front of
you.
That's why question four is so important.
Jermia: Okay, so what's the worst case scenario?
Whether it's fear around money, time, not being good enough, or most importantly,
being a disappointment to you. His limbic system likely doesn't want to process the
worst case scenario, but when you actually ask him, what is the worst case scenario and
you guys think about it together, it's never that bad. It's never what our minds play it
up to be. Here's the key. When you ask him this question, it's really important that
whatever his answer is, you don't react.
Mark: Uh, you know, it's a big financial risk.
Jermia: That's all right. We'll handle it.
Mark: You know, to get these grades, I'm going to have to study so much harder, which means
we'll have so much less time together.
Jermia: That's okay. We'll just make sure that the time we do have together counts for
double.
Mark: Do you know I'm just worried that asking for the promotion could cost me the
job.
Jermia: I think it's pretty unlikely, but if it does, we can handle it.
Your confidence in him to handle the worst case scenario is what's gonna make
him feel safe taking the risk. In other words, you're demonstrating that you trust him to
handle shit and that you'll be there for him through the worst of it failure or success,
and knowing that he doesn't have to worry about disappointing you or losing you, he's
going to be much more inspired to take action.
Jermia: Okay, so how do we help each other do this?
So you're setting that team frame again, it's not you versus him in this conversation,
which is going to a man feel attacked. It's us versus our goals. It's us as a team together
versus the world. Now, some men will want your help. Some men will say, Hey, I want
you to call me on this, or I want you to remind me of this. Others will want to do it on their
own, but that's why you asked the question, how do we help each other do this? And again,
it's important you check your own backyard. Create the team environment. When you ask
for his help and you facilitate that and show it's okay, he's more likely to receive yours
in return. As I say, it's not about going after him at all. It's about working as a
team to achieve goals together and inspire one another.
Well, that's a video. Thank you for watching. Let me know your thoughts, comments,
questions. Did the process work for you? Did it not? I'd love to hear from you. Leave them
all in the comments section below. Give the video a thumbs up, hit that big red subscribe
button and don't forget to download the first chapter of my book, which is now available
completely for free in the description below. Thank you again for watching and I'll see
you on the next video very soon.
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