WELCOME ONE AND ALL HERE COME OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD,
"THE LATE SHOW" I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
SHADOW TO MY FELLOW CATHOLICS BECAUSE TODAY IS ASH WEDNESDAY.
THIS YEAR FOR LENT I'M GIVING UP -- AND THIS IS TRUE -- PEANUT
M&M'S, AND TUCKER CARLSON IS GIVING UP TRYING TO BANG THE
GREEN ONE. [LAUGHTER]
GOOD LUCK. FOLKS IN THE MIDWEST MIGHT HAVE
TO GIVE UP EVEN MORE TODAY, BECAUSE A HISTORIC THREE-DAY
STORM IS SET TO BRING SNOW, ICE, AND EXTREME COLD ACROSS THE US.
ALL RIGHT, MY FELLOW DADS OUT THERE.
THIS IS IT. APPROACHING STORMS ARE OUR
OLYMPICS! FOR THE NEXT 72 HOURS, YOUR JOB
IS TO BREATHLESSLY FOLLOW THE ACCUWEATHER RADAR TRACKER, AND
GIVE CONSTANT UPDATES TO THE FAMILY GROUP CHAT.
DOESN'T MATTER IF NO ONE LIVES IN THE STORM'S PATH.
I GOT MY MESSAGE READY. OKAY, BOY, IT'S REALLY COMING
DOWN THERE. A
SNOWFLAKE EMOJI, SNOWMAN EMOJI. LOVE, DAD.
P.S. I'M GOING TO GO SALT THE FRONT STOOP AGAIN."
WAS I SUPPOSED TO HAVE AN ACTUAL PHONE?
IT'S CALLED ACTING WHAT I JUST DID THERE.
IT'S NOT JUST CALLED ON THE HORIZON,
HALF THE U.S. IS SET TO FREEZE WHILE THE OTHER HALF IS FACING
RECORD-HIGH TEMPS. IT'S A METEOROLOGICAL PHENOMENON
KNOWN AS "ANY COUPLE SHARING A BED."
[LAUGHTER] YOU DON'T GET THE JOKE, JUST
WAIT. SPEAKING OF LOCATIONS.
OHIO. THEY'RE STILL DEALING WITH THE
AFTERMATH OF THE DEVASTATING TRAIN DERAILMENT IN
EAST PALESTINE, AND YESTERDAY, THE EPA ORDERED NORFOLK SOUTHERN
TO HANDLE AND PAY FOR ALL CLEANUP EFFORTS, ADDING THEY
MUST PAY TO CLEAN "THE MESS THAT THEY CREATED."
THAT'S RIGHT, LITTLE MR.! THAT'S RIGHT!
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? YOU CLEAN UP YOUR OWN DISASTER.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? A MAID COMES IN HERE AND
PROCESSES ALL YOUR FLAMING CHEMICALS?
GET THIS TOXIC DIRT OUT RIGHT NOW OR YOU ARE NOT GOING ON THE
CHOIR TRIP! YESTERDAY, WE HEARD FROM NORFOLK
SOUTHERN CEO ALAN SHAW, WHO DID HIS BEST TO REASSURE RESIDENTS
THAT THEIR TOWN IS SAFE. >> I'VE COME BACK MULTIPLE
TIMES, I'VE DRINK IN THE WATER HERE.
>> Stephne: "YES. I'VE DRANKEN THE WATER.
AND ME BRAIN FINE. NO POISON UPPY.
MM-MMM. REFORSHIRNG."
SHAW ISN'T THE ONLY ONE HANGING OUT IN OHIO, BECAUSE TODAY,
THE FORMER PRESIDENT VISITED EAST PALESTINE.
AND HE IS NOT SCARED OF BEING EXPOSED TO TOXIC CHEMICALS.
BECAUSE HE CLEARLY ALREADY HAS. [LAUGHTER]
MAYBE HE'S BORN WITH IT. MAYBE IT'S VINYL CHLORIDE.
THIS TRIP FOR HIM, IT'S A LITTLE AWKWARD, BECAUSE
HE'S VISITING AFTER HAVING CUT RAIL REGULATIONS AS PRESIDENT.
OR AS A "PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER" OP-ED PUT IT, THE EX-PRESIDENT
WILL RETURN TO THE SCENE OF HIS CRIME.
YEAH. IT'S A LITTLE AWKWARD.
A LITTLE AWKWARD. THAT EASY.
THIS MAY BE A SURPRISE TO YOU, THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS NOT
JUST IN HIGH OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF HIS HEART.
YOU SEE, HIS 2024 PRESIDENTIAL RUN HAS GOTTEN OFF TO A ROCKY
START, STRUGGLING TO GENERATE EXCITEMENT.
SO HE VIEWED THE VISIT AS A MAJOR CAMPAIGN EVENT.
SO, IT'S FITTING TO RESTART HIS CAMPAIGN IN EAST PALESTINE.
BECAUSE MUCH LIKE THE FISH THERE, IT'S DEAD IN THE WATER.
[LAUGHTER] WHEN HE -- WHEN HE --
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO. WHEN HE FINALLY TOUCHED DOWN, HE
WAS ACCOMPANIED BY DON JR. AND J.D. VANCE.
OR AS HE CALLS THEM, "WHICH ONE OF YOU IS MY SON?"
[LAUGHTER] BEEN A WHILE.
THEN IT WAS SPEECHING TIME. NOW KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS A
SHATTERED COMMUNITY, SO IT WAS IMPORTANT THAT THE FORMER
PRESIDENT STAY FOCUSED ON THEIR CRISIS.
FOR ABOUT TWO MINUTES, BEFORE DETOURING JUST A LITTLE.
>> NOT GOING TO BE PLAYING FOOTBALL FOR ANOTHER SEASON AND
I CALLED THE HEAD OF THE BIG TEN FOOTBALL AND I SAID YOU'VE GOT
TO GET THE FOOTBALL OPEN. >> Stephen: SPOKEN LIKE A GUY
WHO TOTALLY KNOWS HOW FOOTBALL WORKS.
"GOTTA OPEN UP THE FOOTBALL TO GET THE DELICIOUS PIG MEAT OUT."
[LAUGHTER] THEN HE WRAPPED IT UP WITH THIS
INSPIRING MESSAGE. >> IT'S AND HONORED TO HELP,
YOU'RE WELL ON YOUR WAY, THAT WAS A TRAGEDY CLOSE TO AN
UNBELIEVABLE TRAGEDY, COULD HAVE BEEN REALLY BAD AND TO THINK
THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. >> Stephen: WHAT?
DIDN'T HAPPEN? THANK GOODNESS?
WHAT PART OF "GIANT TOXIC PLUME" WOULD YOU CLASSIFY AS "NOT
REALLY BAD?" REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS
FOOTAGE OF THE HINDENBERG DISASTER.
>> HOW CLOSE TO AN UNBELIEVABLE TRAGEDY!
COULD HAVE BEEN REALLY BAD! CRISIS AVERTED!
OH, THE FOOTBALL IS OPEN! [APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF TRAINWRECKS, THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S LIFE. HE'S UNDER INVESTIGATION IN
GEORGIA FOR INTERFERING IN THE 2020 ELECTION.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THERE YOU GO.
THERE'S A THEME. A THEME.
THE GRAND JURY HAS WRAPPED UP ITS INVESTIGATION, AND WE NOW
KNOW THEY ARE RECOMMENDING MULTIPLE INDICTMENTS.
BOOM! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BOOM! YEAH, BABY!
THERE'S NO WAY HE'S GETTING AWAY THIS TIME!
UNLESS HE DOES THAT THING WHERE HE ALWAYS GETS AWAY EVERY TIME.
[LAUGHTER] THE GRAND JURY ONLY RECOMMENDS
INDICTMENTS. THE FINAL DECISION GOES TO THE
FULTON COUNTY DA. BUT THE FOREWOMAN OF THE JURY IS
NOW SPEAKING OUT. SHE CAN'T REVEAL ANYTHING, BUT
HER FACE SAYS A THOUSAND WORDS. >> DID THE GRAND JURY RECOMMEND
AN INDICTMENT OF FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP?
>> I'M NOT GOING TO SPEAK ON EXACT INDICTMENTS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: SHE SEEMS LIKE A FUN
PERSON TO INTERVIEW. MA'AM, I INVITE YOU TO THE ED
SULLIVAN THEATER ANY TIME TO PLAY POKER.
[LAUGHTER] I'VE GOT NOTHING.
NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN GIVING THIS JUROR GRIEF FOR
SPEAKING OUT. BUT SHE HAS A GOOD CIVIC REASON.
>> WHY DO YOU WANT TO SPEAK OUT PUBLICLY?
>> BECAUSE THIS WAS A REALLY COOL EXPERIENCE.
I THINK IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT IN GENERAL TO NOT TRY TO SKIP JURY
DUTY. >> Stephen: SHE'S RIGHT.
JURY DUTY IS A REALLY COOL EXPERIENCE.
ALL THE FUN OF A WAITING ROOM WITH NONE OF THE MAGAZINES.
AND ALL OF YOU SHOULD DO YOUR JURY DUTY.
SO THEY DON'T CALL ME. I'M BUSY THAT DAY.
I GOT A THING. BUT WHAT WAS HER FAVORITE PART
OF JURY DUTY? >> MY COOLEST MOMENT WAS SHAKING
RUDY GIULIANI'S HAND. >> Stephen: GIRL, NO!
FIRST OF ALL, HE'S ONE OF THE PEOPLE YOU'RE THERE TO INDICT.
SECOND, DON'T YOU KNOW WHERE THAT HAND HAS BEEN?
[LAUGHTER] REALLY, OKAY?
UNFORTUNATELY, THERE'S NEWS ABOUT GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE, SEEN [BOOS]
HERE AT A KINDERGARTEN RECITAL. THIS WEEK, OL' MARGE TWEETED,
"WE NEED A NATIONAL DIVORCE. WE NEED TO SEPARATE BY RED
STATES AND BLUE STATES. EVERYONE I TALK TO SAYS THIS."
"YES, EVERYONE I TALK TO SAYS THIS.
ME, MY GUN, THE CRAZY SCREAMING LADY WHO LIVES IN THE
MIRROR AND WILL NEVER STOP CRYING.
SOMEONE SHOULD TAKE HER GUN AWAY."
NOW, IT SOUNDS LIKE GREENE IS ADVOCATING FOR STATES TO SECEDE
FROM THE UNION, BUT SHE PROMISES IT'S TOTALLY NOT THAT.
>> NATIONAL DIVORCE IS NOT A CIVIL WAR.
IT'S ACTUALLY SEPARATING BY RED STATES AND BLUE STATES.
AND MAKING STATE RIGHTS AND STATE POWER A LOT STRONGER THAN
IT IS RIGHT NOW. >> Stephen: YES, IT'S LIKE
ABRAHAM LINCOLN FAMOUSLY SAID, "A HOUSE DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF
IS ACTUALLY A LOT STRONGER THAN IT IS RIGHT NOW!
VACCINES HAVE MICROCHIPS." SO PEOPLE DON'T REMEMBER THAT.
PEOPLE DON'T REMEMBER THAT HE WAS AGAINST MICROCHIPS.
BECAUSE MICROCHIPS. A
SO GREENE DOESN'T WANT A CIVIL WAR.
OR DOES SHE? BECAUSE SHE ALSO SAID THIS.
>> THE LAST THING I EVER WANT TO SEE AN AMERICA IS A CIVIL WAR.
NO ONE WANTS THAT, AT LEAST EVERYONE I KNOW WHEN IT WANT
THAT, BUT IT'S GOING THAT DIRECTION.
A >> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU'RE
PUSHING IT THAT WAY! YOU'RE THE CHIEF SPOKESPERSON
FOR CIVIL WAR. THIS IS LIKE SIR MIX-A-LOT
SAYING, "THE LAST THING MY ANACONDA WANTS IS BUNS, HUN.
BUT IT'S GOING IN THAT DIRECTION."
SO WHAT DOES SHE WANT? WELL, IT'S NOT MUCH BETTER.
HERE'S WHAT GREENE PROPOSED: >> I THINK RED STATES CAN CHOOSE
AND HOW THEY ALLOW PEOPLE TO VOTE WITH THEIR STATES.
WHEN I THINK SOME RED STATES CAN PROPOSE IS WELL, OKAY, IF A
DEMOCRAT VOTER CHOOSES TO FLEE THE BLUE STATES, INTO A RED
STATE, GUESS WHAT MAYBE YOU DON'T GET TO VOTE FOR FIVE YEA
YEARS? [LAUGHTER]
>> Stephn: GUESS WHAT? FIRST OF ALL, THAT'S THE MOST
UNCONSTITUTIONAL IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD.
SECOND, HOW WOULD YOU IDENTIFY DEMOCRATIC VOTERS?
WE'VE GOT AN NPR TOTE BAG WAITING IN LINE.
UH-OH, GLUTEN-FREE MUFFIN AT 11 OCLOCK!
GLTEN-FREE MUFFIN! MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!
[LAUGHTER] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
MY GUESTS ARE EUGENE LEVY AND NAS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE!