I've been traveling a lot.
I've been, like, on the road quite a bit.
I spent a month this year in Canada.
I was, like, living in Canada.
Yeah, it's just better.
It's better than America, y'all.
Like, you don't have to be here. It's better.
I like Canada. They're doing some progressive shit in Canada.
I saw a white woman washing windows.
You know what I mean?
Do you understand how exciting that was for me?
Just walking past, like, "Oh, shit, y'all do that?
I didn't know you had those muscles."
It blew my-- a part of me wanted to run up to her
and be like, "Psst! Hey, white girl.
Youse can be free.
You can be free, white girl.
You ain't got to live like this no more.
In America, there are vintage furniture stores
as far as the eye can see.
You can bring your dog inside of restaurants.
Just ruin people's meal with pet dander and privilege."
( applause )
"Listen, white girl. Listen to me. Listen to me!
Free yourself. Free yourself!
Find the North Star, and then walk backwards.
To freedom!
Get on that above-ground railroad!
It's just a regular train.
It's a reasonably-priced train."
I just want a white slave so bad.
I do. I just want one of y'all singing slave hymnals,
you know what I mean?
Just like, ♪ Wade in da water ♪
♪ Wade in da water ♪
Karen! ♪ Wade ♪
♪ In da water ♪
♪ Karen gon' send back the water ♪
♪ This isn't Pellegrino water ♪
♪ She specifically asked for Pellegrino water ♪
This is what my comedy's like.
I don't know. This is tight, man.
I used to live with a white woman.
That was pretty cool.
I did. I lived with a white woman
for like a year, and it was beautiful.
We, like, really, like, learned so much about each other
and shared this really beautiful bond.
I should be clear. We weren't having sex. I know the law.
But, like...
...we were roommates.
It was tight, man. I really learned--
My white woman, she believed in ghosts.
I call her "my white woman" because I own her, right?
Y'all don't want her back.
I was playing too much DMX in the house. She's ruined.
It's not good.
My white woman believed in ghosts.
Any of y'all do that? Any of you nice white ladies believe in ghosts?
Yeah? Some of you? You do?
Okay, cool. Why?
Why do you do that? Have you ever seen a ghost?
No. Never once in your life?
So, you just want to be scared when you're shitting and stuff?
You just want to be a little nervous
when you're cooking dinner and all that.
My-- she was like you. She actively believed that ghosts exist.
One time she woke me up, middle of the night.
She came to my room to tell me she thinks our apartment is haunted,
because she could hear sounds in the walls.
We lived in Brooklyn, New York.
You under-- She came up, "Oh, my God, Langston,
I think we have ghosts. I can hear them in the walls."
To which I replied, "Hush.
Hush. Hey, what do you need?
What do you need? Almond butter duvet covers?
Hush. We don't have ghosts.
Look at our neighbor-- look where we live.
There's no ghosts. We're just poor."
That's the sweet sound of poverty, baby girl.
That's not a ghost rattling his chains.
That's a crackhead having sex with a shopping cart.
That's how they procreate.
That's why every crackhead has a shopping cart.
They're life partners."
Right? "With this ringworm, I be wed."
I do think that's the best part about being a white woman.
I'll say that. I do.
I think that's-- you guys get to believe in ghosts,
and that's really nice.
I don't get to believe-- you know how silly I'd be
to be like, "Yo, nigga, there's ghosts in here."
I have a hard enough time convincing my black friends
we can shop at The Gap.
"At The Gap? Mother-- I can't shop at The Gap!
Fuck I look like, Ross from 'Friends'?
Oh, you just want me to dance in a goddamn--
Let me tell you something.
They gave my brother 10 years for dancing in a fountain.
Said he ruined all those wishes."
Contaminated the water.
Black people don't get to believe in shit.
We don't get to be whimsical like y'all.
We don't get to use our imaginations or nothing.
This is how fucked up America is.
Black people don't even get to believe in police brutality.
I knew this wasn't gonna be fun no more.
( laughter, applause )
We don't! All these years we've been screaming,
"The police, they're killing us.
They're murdering-- they're doing unfair--
we just want it to be fair."
And white people are like, "No!
No, hey, stop it! Shut up!
The police are our friends.
Sh-- yeah-- shut-- hey, sure he shot you,
but you wiggled. You shouldn't have wiggled.
You're a wiggler!
You're a dirty, rotten wiggler.
A no-good, welfare wiggler."
And then one white lady's like,
"I think I have a ghost in my apartment.
I haven't seen it, but my salad bowl was over here,
and now it's over here."
And all of white America's like, "We believe you."
We believe every word.
The world is filled with possibility."
It's a tough time in America right now, man.
Everybody's, you know, very tense,
and I don't have any, like, crazy insights or anything.
I'll say this, if we learned anything from the past election,
I think it's that white people sure know how to keep a secret.
Do you know what I mean?
No? You guys did a number on us.
And I don't know if y'all had a group chat, or like...
...if that's what y'all talk about at West Elm,
but my goodness.
My God, was this the first year
where we kinda thought we were on the same page.
Like, as a-- we were like, "Well, we not--
we not gonna make him the president, right?
He not gonna be in charge of everything, right?
He's not gonna be the president of the United States."
And then, as soon as that voter booth went up,
as soon as that divider went into place,
y'all were like, "Mm mm mm.
I like his hair. Ha ha ha!
I've liked his hair this whole time.
I know I said I didn't like it,
but I like it... Jamal.
Dumb-ass Jamal."