- In Hong Kong they're holding anti-surveillance rally's
and tearing down spy cameras.
Here in the US, we just accept that a lack of privacy
is a part of life.
In the first half of the year,
there were nearly 4,000 data breaches
exposing over four billion records.
Breaches have occurred at Capital One,
Maryland Department of Labor,
Checkers Restaurant,
and even BodyBuilding.com.
Although that might be a misunderstanding.
In body building lingo,
I believe breach is when your arse hole
rips all the way to your neck from straining too hard.
(audience laughs)
It's a bit hypocritical to get mad about it.
We give our personal information away voluntarily
all day every day.
And even when we know we're being spied on.
- A report this week on the tech news website
"The Information" says Amazon is considering
giving transcripts of Alexa's audio recordings
to third party app developers.
- I wonder how much horrible shit I'm saying in private
without even realizing it.
So I told Alexa to record it all.
Alexa, play back the transcript!
- [Alexa] I like to consider myself a male feminist.
I think white men have operated from a place of privilege
for too long and it's time for us to take a backseat--
- Shut up Alexa! Shut up!
(audience cheers)
I have a reputation to protect.
(audience laughs)
Tech companies don't care about your privacy,
because you don't care about your privacy.
The threat of identity theft is small potatoes
compared to the thrill of getting a package
delivered the next day.
- We are constantly giving up privacy
and we are only going to give up more privacy
because we're entering an era of artificial intelligence.
Artificial intelligence depends on data.
So, we have this constant trade-off for convenience
and for innovation, we give up our privacy.
- Let's be honest,
we want our privacy invaded just a little bit, don't we?
Like when Pornhub records what you watch,
so the next time it can offer you
the suggestions that you'll like, you know?
(audience laughs)
It's just convenient.
Plus it saves me from learning how to spell bukkake.
(audience laughs)
I always thought it was pronounced bucket-eye.
(audience laughs)
Which makes more sense really doesn't it?
(audience laughs)
Why worry about having your data stolen?
We give it away to Amazon, Facebook,
without a second thought.
Every time I go into a restaurant,
I hand a complete stranger my credit card
and then they just walk off with it.
If I purchase something over the phone,
I read out my credit card number to them,
I repeat it and then they repeat it to a room full
of other people.
Ah, but luckily, if someone steals my card,
I have those three secret numbers on the back to protect me.
I hope those criminal masterminds
who stole it don't crack the code and flip it over.
(audience laughs)
Government agencies, corporations, hackers,
everyone already has our info.
It's gotten to the point where our best bit of security
is putting a tape over the camera on your laptop
so you can't be spied on.
Tape! (audience laughs)
Tape is our last bit of defense!
(audience laughs)
But what happens when you're standing in front of a computer
that's not your computer
and it doesn't have tape on the camera.
Here's the only way you can truly be secure.
Don't tape the computer, cover yourself completely in tape!
(audience laughs)
That way no one knows anything about you.
Like this, see?
Perfectly safe (audience claps)
Isn't that right tape man?
(host yells)
Tape man!
Note to self, next time make a hole for the mouth
and the arse hole.
(audience laughs)
(energetic drum music)