- I am so glad that we're talking about communication
and consent today.
I feel like so often it gets brushed aside
so we could focus on orgasm, orgasm, orgasm.
No, communication is the most important part of sex.
And if you aren't learning to communicate,
then you're gonna be having boring, monotonous sex
for your entire life.
Oh my God.
(beep)
Hi. My name's Iman Hariri-Kia.
I'm Bustle's sex and relationships editor
and today I'm gonna answer all of your sex-related questions
without an ounce of shame.
I think it's really important for women
to explore their bodies with or without a partner,
because so often we feel limited in our sexuality
because of access to sex education,
because of the way that we learn about sex through porn.
It's really important for each woman
to explore their body individually
so that they know what turns them on and what feels good.
That's why I wanted to talk to my friend Shelby
because she is a love, sex, and life coach,
and also just my personal hero
when it comes to talking about pleasure mapping,
just about ways that you can empower
yourself sexually as a woman.
- Pleasure mapping is engaging and exploring
with direct touch all of the different parts of your body
to find your erogenous zones.
I think it's really important that we take the time
to do our pleasure mapping.
That way we can own, and understand ourselves even better.
It's important to acknowledge
that when we are coming together
in creating conscious relationships,
especially sexual relationships
and multicultural relationships,
it's important to identify what everyone's privileges are
in and out of the bedroom and,
be able to have those kinds of conversations too.
- So when we're talking about pleasure mapping,
we always wanna talk about it as a journey
and not a destination because as people evolve,
their sexual preferences evolve.
So it's not a one-stop shop.
You've got to constantly be checking in with yourself
and with your partner about what turns you on,
communicating, and consenting to everything you do
inside and out of the bedroom.
- Communication fosters an environment for consent,
which fosters an environment for safety.
And there's nothing sexier to me than feeling safe.
This comes up a lot, you know that,
"uh, it's gonna kill the mood. It's gonna kill the mood."
But I would counter that honestly,
if I was making out with someone and they were like,
"Hey, I just wanna slow it down for a second
and check in and see where you're at.
How are you feeling?
How would you feel if I touched you here?
How are you feeling about us potentially having sex?"
I would be like," Wow. Actually,
I'm feeling much better about it
now that we're discussing it."
- If you allow that sort of tension or discomfort
to build and build and build,
that silence will create a barrier between the two of you.
So, it might seem counterintuitive,
but speaking up can actually bring you closer together
than allowing that silence to build a wall.
- Opening up this dialogue can seem kind of scary
and I think a great way to go about it would be like,
"Hey, there's something important
and I'd like to talk to you about.
Are you in a good head space
to have this discussion right now?
I'd love to connect more
and talk about what our future looks like."
- Communication during sex is a lot easier said than done.
I think so often when people are in the moment,
they feel uncomfortable or even nervous
to stop their partner and talk to them
about what works and what doesn't.
I would recommend always starting by talking to your partner
about why did you love them
and why you are comfortable with them and what is working,
and then making it an open dialogue,
instead of placing any like blame or education on them.
- Words of affirmation are great here.
"I loved it when you touched me here.
Can we go back to doing that?"
Or, "I've touched myself in this place.
Can we give that a try?"
I think that having this open communication,
it shows that you are compassionate and that you care.
Another great way to jump into that vulnerable space
is putting your hand on each other's hearts
and staring deeply into each other's eyes
and holding that gaze for an uncomfortable amount of time.
I'm talking like three minutes here,
which seems like an eternity.
It's okay if it's a little awkward.
There's still so much more room for pleasure
once you get past that part. (laughs)
- You wanna make yourself feel emotionally vulnerable
before you are sexually vulnerable with someone.
Otherwise, you're not gonna be getting
the most out of that sexual experience.
- There are some wonderful exercises
that you can do physically with a partner
that expand and explore pleasure mapping.
So, one that's really great is harmonizing your breath.
And so you can do this, again, facing each other,
or even lying down in a cuddle.
Harmonizing your breath brings again
the intention to what you're about to do.
What it does is it's syncing your chakras and your energies.
Another great exercise that I recommend is devoting a night
to just receiving pleasure.
So, if you wanna take turns, whoever goes first,
where one partner just lays and receives
while the other partner intentionally pleasures
and gives while communicating and asking questions.
Not necessarily with the intention of reaching an orgasm,
but really just to hold space,
to see what arises as you're receiving pleasure.
- I think so often it's easier to give pleasure
because you're fulfilling a need
rather than allowing yourself to relax
and explore your own body and take in pleasure.
So really, when we're pleasure mapping our own bodies,
we're unlearning a lot of information that we've learned
about female sexual pleasure taking a back seat,
about it not being, integral to having sex
and sexual experience.
- Our mindsets, it's like we wanna rush through school
and be done with it and then be adults.
But it's like having an open mind and keeping an open mind
and understanding that we are constantly evolving
and learning and growing.
Sometimes people rush through sex,
they just wanna do it.
And one person comes, or both people come,
and then it's over.
But, I think taking the time to pleasure map and explore
what pleasure actually means to you is so important.
Slowing down the process allows for so much intimacy
and an abundance of pleasure
that you might have not ever thought would be there.
- I couldn't think of a better way to wrap that up myself.
Absolutely. Amen.
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