I'm guessing a close second to how to manage my own anger as a parent is how
to manage my kids anger. Let's get into that today. Because of child development
in child psychology, kids are not typically good at regulating their
emotions. And they get overwhelmed sometimes with those feelings. We do too
as adults. But kids have this in a more intense way. When they feel something,
they feel it hard. And it overwhelms them. It can just take over their little minds
and bodies. Until they start to mature emotionally, they have a really hard time
regulating that. So, they'll be tipped over at things that you think are silly
or insufficient to warrant that kind of a response. Just keep that in mind
because an understanding of child development will help you to have a
little more compassion and understanding. It'll give you a little more patience as
you're working with your child so given that they have a hard time regulating
their emotion, what are we going to do to help them to manage their anger? Let's
talk about four specific tips of things that you can do. Number 1, don't be
intimidated by your child's anger. Remember what I just said. Kids don't
have the regulation ability over there effect and their emotion that we have as
adults. So, they're going to get tipped over. I have heard a lot of parents say, "Well,
you need time I try to set a limit, he just gets so mad and he starts screaming
and yelling and..." Yeah, because he's a kid who can't regulate his emotion, right?
Don't be intimidated by that. You still need to set the limits. And your kids
don't have to like it. I remember when my kids were little. I used to respond that
way. "I hate this dad." "That's okay. You don't have to like it." Now, that can sound
almost sarcastic. But this is the idea that I want you to internalize as a
parent. They don't have to like it. It's not your job
to please them What's your job? Oh, yeah. To love them no matter what and even if.
That's your job. And as a loving parent, you want to set appropriate limits.
Remember we've talked in other videos about how you need 2 things to have
authority with your children. You need to be seen as a provider of good times and
good things and you have to be able to set and enforce appropriate limits. Both
of those things. Setting and enforcing limits typically not popular and it
causes kids to feel some anger sometimes if they don't like the limit that you've
set. That's okay, roll with it. Don't be intimidated or held hostage by
the fact that your child is not going to like the limit that you're setting.
desensitize yourself to that a little bit so that you can set the limit anyway.
And don't be intimidated by your child's anger. That's tip number 1. Tip number
2 comes back to your role as a model for your children. We have to show them
what it is that we expect. Now, if you're yelling and screaming, if you're blowing
your top then you're modeling for them exactly the thing that you don't want
them to do. Tip number 2 is that you've got to remain calm and in control of
your own emotions. This is easier said than done, I know. And I've explained to a
couple of clients just this last week. There are 2 levels of learning
something. There's the breakthrough where it's like
"Oh! I get it." You know, the AHA experience. When you're watching these videos do you
have those sometimes where the lights just go on and it's like, "Oh, yes. That's
it." Okay, that's the breakthrough and then there's the transformation which is a
process that has several different steps and it has to be sustained over time.
It's kind of like when you decide you want to play the piano and you're like,
"Yes, I'm going to play the piano. And then you have to go through a process of
practicing and getting the skill set installed." It's no different for us or
for our kids. The transformation that happens over time is something you
might need a little assistance with. That's fine.
That's why we've set up coaching programs and courses for parents like
you. Go check it out at the end of the video we've got some links that you can
click through to. Now, staying calm gives you an opportunity to model for your
child what you're expecting from them. And here's one of the phrases I like to
use. "When you can talk to me like I'm talking to you, we'll talk about this,
we'll resolve this. We'll solve this. Whatever it is that you want to finish
that up with." "When you can talk to me like I'm talking to you." Now, notice what
that implies. You are talking in a calm loving way. Because that's what you're
modeling for your kids. I hate to burst your bubble of around this but you know
what? You just don't control it. I know, right? You've you've been wanting to
control their reaction to things, their anger. Their little rage fits. But you
don't. If you controlled it, it wouldn't be happening. Obviously. So, since you
can't control it, let's get clear about that. And instead of demanding that they
stop, simply put parameters around where this is going to happen. Now, the size of
your child is going to make a difference here. If we're talking about your 15 year
old husky boy or your 4-year-old little girl,
we're going to have a little difference in how we can control the parameters around
where this occurs. So, your 4 year old is having a little fit or a temper tantrum.
You can physically move that child to a room where the door could be closed
until they calm down, until they can talk to you the way you're talking to them.
Again, this implies that you remain calm extremely important for you as a parent
to remain calm. In fact, I would strongly encourage you to get your self calm
before you try to interact with your child who may or may not be calm. And
they're probably not if we're having this
discussion. So, put some parameters on where that can happen. "Sweetie, you can
have this meltdown in your room." Okay? And you're calm about doing that but you can
also enforce it. Meaning, you can get them to the room and you can contain that
tantrum that's going on. And then after the storm passes, in fact, think about
that for just a minute. A storm. If I'm sitting here in my office and I notice
the storm clouds gathering outside and I hear the thunder and I see the rain
starting to fall and I realize, "Oh, yeah. I left my windows on my car open. What do I
do?" I go outside and I close the windows, right? I don't shake my fists to the
heavens saying, "Don't start with me. I don't control the storm. I'm going to
weather the storm." Think about that as an analogy. When
we're managing kids anger, we don't get to control the anger. So, we can control
the windows, okay? Batten down the hatches a little bit.
Hunker down for the storm. Guess what? Storms always pass, don't they?
I've got some friends in northern Florida, hurricane came through a couple
of years ago. Just devastated the whole town. Can you stop the storm? No. But
storms always pass. You hunker down, you batten down the hatches
and when the storm passes then when we start to clean up. And sometimes, it's
like that with our kids. So, don't insist that they stop. Just try
to put some parameters or some containment around it until the storm
passes. Now, here's a final tip and this is a powerful one. Not just for this
aspect of parenting but for a lot of other applications that you're going to see
pretty quickly. Create a context or a time and place in which you can instruct
and educate your kids when they are calm. And when they're not calm... Just like you
and me they've got chemicals going through their system that trigger the
fight-or-flight response. When we're in our fight-or-
flight response, we are not rational. We're not thinking. We're not doing
effective communication. We're just in fight-or-flight. Well, your kids are the
same way. So, we don't want to try to educate or instruct them at times when
they're in fight-or-flight mode. Create a context, a time in a place in
which you can do the instruction and the education. I recommend that you pick a
day each week where you have a family meeting. Now, different people call this
different things. Family meeting, family council, family together time, family home
evening. Whatever you want to call it. It's a consistent time every week and I
would suggest you do this on a weekly basis. Now, there's daily things you can
do to like mealtime. Powerful time that you can do this. This particular meeting
that I'm talking about is one where you can bring up a particular topic. Like
anger for example. And while everybody's calm you can talk about, "What do we do
with anger?" This is going to feel really awkward if it's not a consistent thing.
Like if we just call a meeting to talk about anger. Everybody's going to be like
"Well, this is weird." But if it's in a consistent format that
you've installed it's part of your family culture and you can bring up any
topic you want. This week we're talking about anger. Do you feel the power of
that? And next week what are you going to talk about? You could talk about manners.
You could talk about sexuality. You could talk about school. Whatever it is, you've
just created a context or an environment in which you can instruct and educate
your kids. That's not something you're going to do as a reaction to what's going
on. It's something you're going to do to establish a family culture where you as
a parent can have a more profound influence on your kids. Parenting. I know.
Who would thunk that it could be such a challenging
thing. But you're not in this alone. We've got your back.
We've got courses, we've got coaching. If you want to take this to the next level,
and seriously that would be a really great thing to consider, jump on a call
with one of our coaches. DrPaulJenkins.com/breakthroughcall.
One of our coaches is ready to meet with you and talk about what we're offering
that might be a fit. I am honored to be on your team.