Hello, Weirdos, let's talk about Colombia!
And why not have a white guy from the Midwest (USA) talk about a South American country?
To be fair, my wife's Colombian.
That also gets me the "Get Out of Latino Racism Free" card.
But anyway...
The picture in your head may bean overgrown jungle with a bunch of cocaine farmers,
but it's much different than that.
Colombia is the northern-most South American country.
It's the only South American country to have coasts on both the Pacific and the Caribbean.
But Colombia's not confined to the South American continent, they have several islands too.
For example, Gorgona, which was a prison from 1959 to 1984.
Before that, people actually lived there.
Next to that is its baby sister island, Gorgonilla.
Malpelo Island has 500 hammerhead sharks.
There's Ceycén... Cabruna...
Santa Cruz del Islote is the world's most crowded island.
There's just about 1/10th of a square kilometer and 1,200 people live there.
Just off the coast of Nicaragua is San Andrés.
There are about 68,000 people on the island and its only industry is tourism.
Until somebody finds Henry Morgan's loot, that is!
Supposedly, it's there hidden away in a cave.
Let's talk about exports.
You know about coffee... and you've got an idea about that other stuff...
But the number one export for Colombia is oil.
They're also the largest producer of coal in South America.
They export gold, silver, platinum, and emeralds.
Plus, if you've gotten a batch of roses recently, it probably came from Colombia
because they're big on cut flowers!
How about famous Colombians?
Well, besides Pablo Escobar
"Plata o plomo!"
There's Gabriel García Márquez
the author of "100 Years of Solitude" and a Nobel Prize winner
Of course there's also former beauty queen Sofia Vergara
You know her from "Modern Family" and the Pepsi commercials
Do you know she's actually blonde? She dyes her hair dark to look more "Colombian"
And there's Fernando Botero
He's an artist (a painter and a sculptor) whose subjects are often people who are good at...
heavy people
Also there's John Leguizamo
Juan Pablo Montoya who is now an Indy car racer
but before that he set the world of NASCAR on fire.
And then there's Shakira, who's famous for...
WOW!
YOWZA!
(man babbles) SHAKIRA!
But you know, after that second baby, she's kind of let herself go, huh?
Colombians love have hot chocolate with their breakfast.
...and what do they put in it?
CHEESE!
No... I'm serious... cheese.
In Colombia, ants are a snack!
The "Botero" kind of ants.
They're called "hormigas culonas"
which means "big butt ants".
They're crunchy like popcorn!
You spell "Colombia" with an "o", not a "u"
and they get picky about that.
Colombians, as a culture, are always late to everything!
A lot of them will tell you they're "on the way" before they've even gotten out of bed!
In Colombia, nobody likes to drive a yellow car
because they associate them with taxis.
Speaking of taxis, those guys stick together... it's like Teamsters or something.
Don't believe me? Ask an Uber driver!
By the way, unlike in the States where Uber drivers get away with a little sticker that says "U"
Uber drivers in Colombia basically have to make their vehicle look like a white taxi cab.
They're pretty well-marked... and they're all white.
In our country (USA) there are people who get creative with names.
"Creative" as in... just making it up.
Orangejello
Lemonjello
And there's 15,000 different ways to spell "Unique".
The "creative name" subculture in Colombia though...
Here are some real Colombian names:
Disney Landia
Onedollar
USMail
USNavy
I actually saw an ID card for USNavi Marina
In Bogotá, there's a man named Batman Roberto Carmargo
His brother's name is Pink Floyd Flash Carmargo
Probably the one thing that troubled me the most in Colombia...
If you go to a public restroom you're likely to get charged for toilet paper.
You'd better have cash on hand!
One time in an "emergency" I handed over 20,000 pesos and said, "Give me the whole roll!"
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I've got new videos here every Tuesday and Thursday
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I'll link those down below.
Also check out LegionOfWeirdos.com
and until next time, stay out of the comfort zones!