you wake up one day and ah i feel a bit
groggy
the last thing you remember is flying
out to eastern europe and having a great
time
sightseeing and then there's some vague
memories of a drug deal gone south
with a bunch of russian gangsters and
their leader smiling sinisterly while
saying perhaps it's time our friend here
have a dirt nap
he laughed his gangsters laughed and
what you originally thought was a poor
use of american idioms turned out to be
quite literal
now you're six feet underground and
stuck inside a coffin
how are you gonna get out of this one
being buried alive is a pretty common
fear and in 2018 a shocking
15 percent of people buried at a
cemetery were in fact
buried alive by mistake just kidding we
made that up just to panic our more
claustrophobic fans who should actually
feel a lot better
knowing that being buried alive is so
rare that there's no official stat for
how often it happens
of course it has happened and back in
the 1800s the fear was so prevalent
that special coffins were made available
which came with a length of string
tied to a bell above the grave if
someone happened to find they'd been
pronounced
dead prematurely all they would have to
do is ring the bell
again though we weren't able to find any
verified claims of this ever actually
happening
but what if it did happen to you first
we're gonna be straight up with you and
let you know that freeing yourself is
gonna take a lot of luck and be
incredibly difficult
so difficult in fact that right this
very second millions of people could
very well be trying to desperately claw
their way to freedom
from an early grave only to die of
asphyxiation
so who knows maybe 15 percent of people
really are buried alive
i mean we researched it and there's no
official way of checking if a buried
corpse is
you know an actual corpse if your family
opted for embalming though then you have
nothing to worry about
because if you weren't dead before the
mortician got his hands on you
you definitely are after he suctions out
all your blood and replaces it with a
witch's brew of chemicals
embalming however is not legally
mandated and instead your family could
ask that you be refrigerated until the
funeral service
this is a cheaper alternative to
embalming and will help keep you crisp
and semi-fresh
so your family has a chance to say
goodbye without you looking like a
walking dead extra
if you've seen our previous episode on
the man who survived being frozen for 12
hours
then you're already aware that chilling
a body can actually help keep it alive
the chilling can slow your cellular
activity to the point that you require
very little oxygen
and your heart can beat very very
sparingly and still keep you alive
odds are though that if you're buried
alive then you've probably been involved
in some shady business with the russian
mob
who coincidentally find it a great laugh
to bury their enemies alive inside
coffins
and listen to them try to claw their way
out in this case believe it or not
you have a very thin chance of survival
so what can you do
step one calm down you ever been told to
calm down in the middle of a fight
remember how it only made you a lot
angrier well this time you're gonna have
to actually calm down
waking up inside a coffin is going to be
a pretty traumatic and terrifying
experience
and in all honesty we wouldn't blame you
for freaking out
but whatever you do don't that's because
when you're being hysterical with a
boyfriend or girlfriend and get told to
calm down
you can afford to completely ignore the
advice thanks to all the free oxygen
you're gulping down in your outrage
inside a buried coffin though you're
working on a very strict oxygen budget
and if you woke up inside the coffin
then that means you've been lazily
sleeping for who knows how long
and gulping down oxygen by the mouthfuls
the entire time
freaking out is only going to increase
your oxygen intake and do you very
little good
it's time to clear your mind and try
meditating focus on slowing your
breathing and stay
in control of your emotions step 2 take
inventory
this might sound like a no-brainer but
once you've calmed down check the inside
of your coffin
maybe you have a pocket knife that would
be great or a belt buckle or literally
anything else that's very hard and rigid
you could use a belt buckle to tap
rhythmically on the lid of your coffin
and hope that someone above can hear you
if you were accidentally buried alive
then there's a good chance there's still
someone up above paying their last
respects or
putting the finishing touches on your
grave if you have a pocket knife it's
going to come in handy for trying to
break your way
out of the coffin increasingly though
people are being buried with cell phones
either by accident or on purpose so that
loved ones can call the corpse
yeah we also don't get that one but hey
to each their own
if you happen to have a cell phone on
you then try dialing out
there's a small chance you'll have
reception if your carrier is t-mobile
then forget it you're screwed step three
prepare to bust out
okay you have no cell phone or you
foolishly opted for a contract with
t-mobile
which means you have no reception inside
your coffin or anywhere else really
it's time to get out first let's just
say that if you've been buried in a
steel-lined coffin
then forget it it's over for you
remember that pocket knife you have two
choices here the fast way out or
slow lingering asphyxiation but let's
say you got buried in a much cheaper
wooden coffin
or a budget model made out of very rigid
cardboard this is one time you're going
to be grateful to your family for being
a bunch of cheapskates
what you're going to want to do is make
a hole in the coffin
through which you'll crawl out but first
you have to protect your ability to
breathe
take your shirt and lift it up over your
head so that it covers your head
like when two hockey players get into a
fight this will make a hood that your
head fits inside of and will keep dirt
out and help you have some oxygen as you
crawl upwards
step four bust out and take revenge on
the living
all right you've got your shirt over
your head to help you maintain some
breathing air as you claw your way to
freedom through several feet of dirt
or at least so you look hilariously
ridiculous when they eventually dig you
up a few years later
now you want to feel for the center of
the lid of your coffin this will be the
weakest point structurally because
science it'll be difficult in the
cramped spaces but you want to start
hammering away at this point
and while you won't be able to actually
bust out you can flex the lid enough
that hopefully the weight of the dirt
above it will crack it
once you've accomplished this tear away
at the wood or heavy cardboard
and push all the incoming dirt to the
bottom of your coffin
while trying to wriggle your body so
that your head doesn't get stuck in
place
you're gonna have to make like a worm
and wriggle continuously to push the
dirt aside
and hopefully down while widening the
opening in the lid
in time you should be able to have made
a large enough hole that you can start
making your way upwards
and this is actually the easy part since
you were recently buried then all that
dirt is going to be very loose and
pretty easy to dig through
of course it's all going to be
compacting your little bubble of air
supply so you're going to have to move
fast
once you've busted out take a
well-deserved breath of fresh air
now you're free to freak out all you
want breaking free completely will take
some
time but with enough wriggling you
should eventually manage to get your
arms loose and then you can simply pull
yourself up to freedom
you've done it you've come back from the
grave like a completely predictable
twist on amc's the walking dead
now it's time to get a second lease on
life or at the very least to change your
phone carriers
how would you survive being buried alive
does the thought scare you
let us know in the comments as always if
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