- First video of the year, no pressure.
(horse galloping)
What up everyone, it's a Girl Superwoman
I told myself to do my nails before shooting, I told you to
What up everyone, it's a Girl Superwoman
It's 2016, which means that approximately 4 days ago
you probably celebrated New Year's, had a life crisis
and saw all of the following types of people.
#1, Optimus Flop
Now, this person believes that when the clock strikes 12
they're going to turn into a person that has 6-pack abs
says "Please" and "Thank You"
and now safely removes all USBs.
We all have that one friend that has ridiculous
and unrealistic New Year's resolutions
and I'll be real with you, okay?
It's not that I don't believe in you per se,
it's more so that I would just bet all of my money
against you.
In other words, if you were in a 2-person race,
I would bet all of my life savings on your opponent
no matter who they were.
I would literally bet my money on Michael Jackson
beating you in a race, and he's dead.
Listen I'm not trying to be mean,
lets just look at the facts.
In 2012, you said you would travel the world
yet your passport still looks like it could be
the music video for Taylor Swift's Blank Space.
In 2013, you said you would stop swearing
I just put you in my video last week, okay?
Editing had to sensor you so much
that you sound like R2D2 with all of your beeps, okay?
To be honest, I'm not even sure that's right
I don't watch Star Wars, I don't know R2D2
that's like the air compressor thing, right?
I'm sorry, you can go ahead and unscubscribe now.
(cheesy smile)
In 2014, you said you were going to drink more water.
Remember that time you didn't flush after peeing,
and then we all thought that someone dropped
a neon highlighter in the toilet?
In 2015, you said you were going to start eating healthy.
I went to your house for dinner yesterday,
and you tried to convince me that Cheeto's were carrots,
so forgive me if I don't take
any of your resolutions seriously, okay
because change happens when you work hard
not when the clock strikes 12, okay?
This ain't Cinderella.
Let's be real, okay, in 2016 we're going to be
the same hot mess as we were in 2015.
We all know for the first week of this year
that gyms are going to be looking like the movie 300
give them one week and it's going to be straight I am Legend
these are the facts, okay?
#2, The Turn Down
The ball is dropping
oh my God, there's 10 seconds left
everyone is so excited
tonight is going to be so amazing
oh man, we're going to turn up so high
5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Happy New Year!
Okay, good night.
What?
We all know that person that knocks out at 12:01
A.K.A. your parents, I'm talking about your parents
and to be honest, they barely even make it to midnight
because it's way past their bedtime.
This person looks like me in history class
like huh?
Straight up watching this person stay up until midnight
is like watching Khal Drogo die
just like falling off his horse
and just falling all over the place
his sexy face and big muscles, and that man braid and like
what, what are we talking about?
What? What? Okay, New Year,
same devastation, okay, he was a warrior
and he died from an infected cut?
Come on, I need closure!
No for real, it's so strange though
because then the people around you
feel invested in you
and now you need to stay up until 12
because somehow you staying up until 12
is going to affect my New Years experience
so stop being selfish,
wake up, get excited, and lead the (mumbles) damnit!
#3, The Black Out
This is the person that gets so drunk on New Year's
that they don't even remember what happened.
(whistling)
Oh, you, bro, you wrote 2015, it's 2016 now.
What?
Like they turned up so hard they didn't just get drunk
they got tumbler.
You know you start getting sentimentalish for no reason
"No bro, come here man, come here
"Let's just check this out man
"The sun moves around the earth bro, take that in
"Do you know how lucky we are man?
"I didn't even drink okay, I didn't even drink"
They spend most of their New Year's like this
(laughing)
You know you got shmangled
when sleep and water don't even help.
You just wake up and like "Oh my God, I'm still drunk"
and I'm standing over here like, "Bro, it's January 4th."
As long as you're safe and not bothering anyone else
you do you, okay, if you want to spend New Year's
with your head in a toilet, you do that.
It's good to have realistic expectations,
because let's be real,
it's not going to be the last time this happens this year
and I'm just going to be standing over here
Snap Chatting the whole thing like a real friend.
#4, The Rabbit
(rabbit nibble and hop)
You thought I was going to stop,
too bad, but I kept going, right,
is that weird, how I just kept going?
(chuckle) (rabbit nibble)
(laughing)
So, it's New Year's right,
and you're trying to put a plan together
you call up your friend and you're like,
"Bro, why don't you come over with some chips
"I have some dip, come over, put your hands up on my hip
when I dip, you dip, we dip"
and then you're friend is all like,
"Yeah, I'll try to drop by."
That stresses me, because what does that mean?
Are you coming, or are you not coming?
I need to know
because if I call a whole bunch of people
and they all say, "Yeah, I'm going to try to drop by"
there's a possibility that when the clock strikes 12,
I'm going to be standing there
looking like the sequel of the Cast Away
all alone, with too much dip, and not enough chips.
Furthermore, if you do drop by, when are you going to come?
Are you going to come before 12, after 12,
or annoyingly close to 12?
Is it going to be 11:58pm, and then you show up
we're all standing here in a circle ready to cheer
and now I'm like, "Damn, I need to be a host,
"my priorities are divided, I have to get you a glass
"pour you a drink, and now I'm rushing."
My evening was deligthful, and now I feel
like I'm on an episode of Top Chef.
Don't treat my party like one of your stalks
on your hopscotch of a night that is New Year's
okay, I deserve attendance, proper attendance
and if you only stay for 15 minutes, no dip for you.
On that note, do you ever experience those parties
where everyone pitches in for food and the drinks
so now it's like everyone's contributed financially
to this party, and you have some sucker
stroll in, and they're not going to stay the whole time
or stay for the night,
so they feel like they don't have to also contribute
and I'll be like, "Bro, nah" (whoop) whip out my calculator
like, "Okay, you had 7 chips, one Coke,
"and 4 squares of toilet paper, that'll be $4.23 plus tax."
We accept Pay Pal.
Would you think I'm starting this New Year's like a chomp?
Nah, bro!
#5, The Hustlers
Now, these are the people
despite it being New Years, are still working.
I'm talking about the cab drivers
the delivery men, the bartenders, etc.
Let's take a moment to imagine what it feels like
to be working on New Year's
having to be responsible and sober-ish
and have everywhere around you
celebrating New Year's annoying and drunk.
These people are heros, okay?
These people should be on the $1.00 bill
because I'm not going to lie,
I ordered pizza on New Year's eve
and I might've been a little bit incoherent, okay
and I'm pretty sure I turned into DJ Khaled
(door bell) Hold up
Say my name
- Uh, what?
- Say my name, baby.
- Uh, Mrs. Singh?
- You smart.
- Okay.
- You loyal.
- Okay.
- You grateful.
- Okay
- I appreciate that.
- Thank you.
- Go buy you momma a house.
- Huh?
- Go buy your whole family a house.
- Huh?
- Put this money in your savings account.
- But I don't want-
- Go spend some money for no reason.
- Ma'am, I just need $20
- Come back and then ask for more.
- I just have this one pizza.
(Throws up)
- Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go eat some carrots.
(crunching)
Hey, Happy New year, I hope you enjoyed this video
if you did, you know what to do,
give it a big thumbs up,
comment below, letting me know which type of person
you were on New Year's, and tag all your annoying
but great friends,
if they're guilty of any of the things I mentioned.
You can check out my last video right there,
you can check out my blog right there
and make sure you subscribe,
because I make new videos every Monday and Thursday
that's a good resolution, subscribe to me,
it takes like 2 seconds,
that way you can feel like you did something.
Just go ahead, go ahead, go ahead,
what a way to start the year.
Amazing, one love Superwoman
that is a rap, and zoop!
That one Cheeto was so good, oh my God.