Hey Guys HOLOLOLOLOLA
I was really gonna do a video
I was gonna tell about my birthday by blowing up balloons and taking a bunch of shots
And just getting drunk on camera because
That's quality content right?
That's what we look for videos? That's what we look for on YouTube!
That's what we want to see.
We want to see you want to see people get messed up. We wanna see people throw up.
Be disgusting, be trashy, and be gross to make our lives feel better and like we have more purpose.
Well, Problem One is that I don't have any alcohol...
And I am a broke-ass bitch (BITCH!)
And Problem Two is that I am currently packing. And there are a lot of sharp objects
just lying around and getting drunk around that would honesty be a great video...
But I kind of want to keep my legs... So I decided after this past
weekend the best thing I can do to make myself feel better about my life is something holy.
So I was sitting there on my
couch watching Pimple Popping Videos... and then out of nowhere a Beam of Light came across my eyes and Jesus said...
"MAC!" "McCaw!"
"I shall bestow my Wings of Truth upon thy body!" ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
"To Requisite the Diluvate of the Mastrate of the Devil, Lord Jesus! Only then can you evaluate
And Depaluate the Quilate of the Devil! Can I get an amen? (Amen!)
Hallelujah!
So, pretty much I'm gonna become an ordained minister to make gay people get married, okay? (YAS!)
Yes... Hey also, Australia is probably getting gay marriage legalized!
So, might as well help that move forward, right? Get these gays married!
(Yes, mama!)
"Mac, what's an ordained minister?" Well, child of the DEVIL,
An ordained minister is something that you apparently need in order to get married, so...
I'm gonna do it! Help all these hopeless gays across the Universe!
Find their true love and unite them for infinity... and tax purposes!
You're also probably thinking, "Wow this must be VERY hard to accomplish!"
Well, apparently, you just get it done by filling out a few things online and
Suddenly you're marrying b*tches left and right
Honestly a dream, right?
If I were to become an ordained minister,
Would I then be able to force Oprah Winfrey to marry me just for her money and her fame?
Let's f*ckin' do this shit!
I am now on the kitchen floor like the QUEEN!
(Trish screaming montage) AAAUUGGHHHH!!!
Let's start this sh*t! Wait! I need a Bible!
Okay, so I couldn't find a Bible.
Go figure, right? In this Christian household
So this broken bar sign is gonna have to do.
Oh Lord Jesus! Give me strength! Is an ordained minister part of Lord Squad? Okay, whatever, okay!
Let's do this. "Ordain a minister". There are multiple links, and most of them are ads.
They're advertising becoming an ordained minister, bitch. Okay.
So is she feeling unministry.org (#notsponsored)
Or or does she want to be a freaky bitch go to the monastery?
You know what? I think she's feeling straightforward
So she is gonna go to getordained.org (#notsponsored). B*tch.
(Crying)
BOOM! "Get Ordained"! Already making progress!
We're already ready to change the world!
"The Universal Life Church accepts anyone!" That's what I like to hear, bitch, it's 2017!
Regardless of their particular denomination...
Okay, see. That's where I feel attacked now
That was passive-aggressive as f...
"The church believes anyone has the right to become ordained as a minister and...
"Captain their own spiritual ship!'"
Okay, we're going there.
It's time to get this pussy wet!
"Become an ordained minister", hoe!
(Crying) "Oh My God"
Instant Online Ordination
That sounds dirty...
Oh, hey look! There's testimonials!
These don't look like real people... THESE all look like stock photos!
I don't know if I can believe..
Full name! Boom!
E-mail! (You don't have to see that!)
"I certify that I am over the age of THIRTEEN!"
You can become an ordained minister at 13! What are you doing right now?
Who's marrying people at 13? Honestly, I wish I was!
Submit Ordination Request
Is that it?!
(Dumbfounded)
Is that IT?!
Bitch, I just typed my NAME!
It's loading!
She's taking a second.
They're like, "Mmm, this sounds like the name of the devil to me. I don't know if we can ordain you!"
They know I'm gay. They can sense the gay in my name, bitch!
It's really loading, It's still loading.
It's been two minutes... Excuse me, I am offended. Hello?
Hello? Oh, look at these black people getting married! Okay, black people!
Okay, we good, we got it!
The website is still loading because homophobia.
But they sent ya b*tch an email!
We love emails here in this house of the Lord...
And now the email is not loading, what the--?!
I swear to god this homophobia, this racism, this racist homophobia...
IJUSTCAN'TEVEN
Okay, wait no here we go, herewegoherewego
YOU'RE #ORDAINED (wheeze)
That literally was all I had to do!
"Share your newly found ordination status with your friends and family"! Sure!
Bout to tweet this b*tch
Suck my d*ck homophobes
Next Step:
"Order your official legal ordination credential".
They want me to spend money now.
Oh bitch I can get myself a card! A card that says I am an ordained minister
Y'know, just in case of an emergency, when someone needs to get married right then that instant, BOOM pull out that card
I now pronounce you together, you may make out now please in front of me.
We can also get a Letter of Good Standing
I don't know bout that
I Love you Jesus
YAS, YAS
We can get an ordination kit or an emergency wedding kit, hold up. And of course,
No church is a church without some Jesus in a cup. Add to cart, bitch.
Oh, there's Training
We can train, h*e
Wedding Training, Baptism Training, Funeral Training, Delivering Sermons
I can give a Baptism?
I can baptize b*tches now. B*tch. B*TCH.
Y'all wanna be baptized?
Y'all wanna drown for two seconds in the name of Lord,
Hit a n***** up and we can get this covered, we can do this real quick
"Find a minister"? Am I now on a registry of registered ministers?
Can people actually search me up and request me to ministate their wedding? ...Ministrate? [Not a word]
This is like FarmersOnly but to find a minister! Okay but like low-key he cute. (You didn't hear that from me.)
We should get together and talk about baptisms and uh... funeral services
And I can suck your dick, but you know that's a different story.
You know I think I'm still drunk from this weekend honestly.
Moral of the story if you want to marry bitches all you gotta do is put your name down, your email and a password
And suddenly you can drown people for Jesus.
Anyways, I'm gonna go probably do something very gay.
I need to balance this out. My name is Father Mac from the Universal Life Church.
Comment down below
What is your favorite part of Jesus? Mine...
is the hair.
And don't forget to like, comment, share and sub-scree-bay in the name of the good lords.
BWAAA
Gay!