Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach parenting and communication as well as improving family
relationships. I teach this all over the world through the lens of self-government.
In this video, I'm going to be talking about what every new parent should know.
Many parents miss the mark when it comes to parenting and it's not because they don't have
good intentions because they do. But they simply don't know what they don't know. Well in this
video, I'm going to be sharing with you one key thing that you can know that you can do so that
your parenting will produce the results that you want. Many parents want to have children who are
more grateful, less entitled, more obedient and who are united and attached to the family in really
productive ways. So, in this video, that's what we're going to be talking about. What is your vision for
your family? So, wise families usually create this picture of what type of a family they want to have.
In fact, I remember when my children were all very young, my husband and I sat down and we made
a 20-year vision. Now, I know for some people, the idea of a 20-year plan seems like that's pretty
unrealistic. How could you ever really even know what you're going to be creating and what your
children will choose? But we wanted to pick what our family would feel like 20 years in the future
so we created something called a 20 year vision. We told it to our children as a bedtime story,
it became our picture of who we were becoming as the Peck family and you know what? It was actually
really powerful. As I've now seen my children grow and get married, guess what they are doing?
They are creating family visions even before they have children. So, they are talking about what types
of hopes and dreams they have for their families too. Now, I know in our hearts, we all have these
little hopes and dreams of what we want for our family. So, here you are maybe with a young child
or even a new baby and you're thinking okay what do I do with this? Well number one, make sure that
you're clear on your plan and make sure you talk to your partner too about what that plan is going
to be for you as well. So, that isn't our one thing though, that's just where we're starting from. We
all want something, right? We all feel like that the home should be the safest place to make mistakes,
that it should be a place of nurturing, learning, a place of safety and connection and bonding, that's
what we want to have. In fact, good parenting should always lead you in that direction
but it should also have some other elements to it like consistency, good corrections and a lot
of training. So, children if they're left to run wild actually will not draw as close to family
as children who are consistently put on the right track and brought back into alignment with family
standards and that family vision. So, once you create that picture for your future, it actually
becomes an instruction that the whole family is working toward. So, what is this one thing then that
you need to be focusing on in order to really make the difference in your parenting? That one thing is
actually the principle of you not them. So, years ago, I decided that I was going to do something
totally different with my children and this is where I learned this concept of you not them.
All right I'm going to be telling you this story about this weird decision that I never thought I
would make but before I do, hit that subscribe button. There is so much great content on this
channel all related to parenting and having good family bonds and relationships and you
definitely are not going to want to miss that so hit the subscribe button now and don't forget to
also click that notification bell so that you'll get alerted when videos come out. So, my dad was
a public school teacher and I loved education. In fact, I really thrived in school and everything
else so I never thought I would make a decision that I made. Years ago, I looked at my children and
they were advancing in their schooling so much. By the time they were three years old, they were
reading and stuff like that and I thought wow I've already taught them to read, I mean they're
gonna kind of be bored. In fact they might even be troublemakers, maybe I should just homeschool
them and so I started homeschooling my children which was a decision I never thought I would make
but it actually turned out to be a pretty life-changing thing for our family and for me.
I don't even know if I'd be the person i am today had I not gone through the educational process
that I did with homeschooling. So, but when I was learning to homeschool my children, I actually
was introduced to this concept of you not them. So, I read a book, it was called a Thomas Jefferson
Education. It was by Oliver Vande Mille and in there, he talked about the different principles
of education and what type of education you might want to be going toward and what those
different models looked like and then I read his book called The Phases of Learning where he
talked about how to help children through these different phases and within there, he shared key
principles. These key principles were things like we want to inspire, not require. We want to focus on
classics, not you know just textbooks and we want to have quality, not conformity and stuff like that
but one key thing that really stuck out to me, I mean probably more than anything else was you
not them. That if I wanted my children to have a truly world-class education, I had to have one too.
So when I said I wouldn't be the person I am today without choosing to homeschool my children,
it's 100% true because even though I had college and all the other schooling that most people have,
I actually had to get a real first-class, world-class education and I had to do it myself
and so that was a life-changing experience for me but I realized that with everything, if I wanted
my children to be musical, I needed to be musical. If I wanted my children to eat broccoli, I needed
to eat broccoli. If I wanted my children to learn good social skills which many people worry about
especially homeschoolers, if I wanted my children to learn good social skills, I needed to teach
them good social skills and show them what they look like and give them good opportunities to
practice as we go around the community daily and all these kinds of things. So, I had to be
the example. So, this is the missing piece. I think many people want their children to turn out well
but they don't want to examine themselves and make a change. So, let's talk about some changes that you
can make that don't only make you the best example but also give them the lessons that they need.
So, a wise parent makes a plan. We decided to do treatment foster care years ago and
we took in troubled teens and when we did that, we had to make more deliberate plans than we
ever thought we would have to do. But, it started this process of being very intentional and
deliberate in our parenting and it was one of the best things that we could have ever done.
So, we started teaching our foster children certain skills and I realized that even though my foster
children were between the ages of 12 and 18, these skills were going to be vital skills for me and
my children. So, I have these children's books these four children's books, they each teach one of the
four basic skills. So, London Larae teaches the skill following instructions, that has a
five-step process. You look at the person, keep a calm face, voice and body, say okay or ask to
disagree appropriately, do the task immediately and then check back. So, each one of these other skills
also has a skill set or steps attached to it just like London Larae. This one, Porter Earns a Quarter
teaches the skill set accepting a "no" answer or criticism. Paige Takes the Stage teaches how to
disagree appropriately, this is their favorite skill and then this one teaches Big Win for Quinn
teaches accepting consequences. So, a person can't learn self-government or self-mastery unless they
get the opportunity to accept their consequences, which means they've got to be taught that skill.
So, how do these apply to you, not them? Well, they apply because you need to know these skills too.
If you're going to give yourself an instruction, are you going to follow through? If you are going
to give yourself a "no" answer about more chocolate or staying up late or whatever it is, are you going
to accept that "no" answer from yourself or when the child is crying in the night, can you realize
that when you go to get that child, you're just accepting a "no" answer which means you can look
at the person, keep a calm face, voice and body, say okay and drop the subject. You don't have to
think about it anymore, you don't have to take it personally, you can be self-governing. So, these four
basic skills are not just for the children, they're for you too and if you use them maybe in your
relationships that don't relate to the children as well in just your daily life, your children
will learn that these are the skills that lead to maturity and success. So, we don't just need the
four basic skills for success but also there are five teaching styles that will help you prepare to
handle any difficult situation with the children. These teaching styles are taught on my teaching
self-government parenting course and you can find information about the TSG parenting course at
my website teachingselfgovernment.com. So, effective communication is huge in raising good children
and it starts with us, that's good news and it's bad news. The bad news is it's probably harder for
us to change our bad habits than to train them up with good habits in the first place. They can learn
quicker than we can so it's going to be harder for us but the good news is every person can
change if they choose to. So, if you are choosing to change right now or choosing to learn some
new skills that could help you, then be sure to go to teachingselfgovernment.com. I'll see you there.