-Today was St. Patrick's Day
which means if you're watching this right now,
you're one of three types of people.
Number one, you passed out drunk with the TV on.
What's up?
Number two, the drunk tank you're currently sitting i
is tuned in to my show.
Or, number three, you're a member of Team Supe
and you're drunk on love for me.
[ Cheers and applause ] And I love you.
But do y'all love St. Patrick's Day?
We love it! We love it!
Me too.
Well, I guess I don't love "St. Patrick's Day"
as much as I love any excuse to get blackout drunk
on a Tuesday, if you know what I mean.
Which is why, to get in the spirit,
I'm going to play a little drinking game
during the monologue, only I refuse to drink green beer
Yeah. Beer tastes like an elderly man's burp.
Don't at me on this, okay?
So I'm going to drink green vodka instead.
Can we get some vodka out here Let's get some vodka.
What's going to happen is I'm going to take a sho
every time I say the word "Irish."
Which is actually a law in the Irish Constitution.
So, starting now --
Daniel, after I'm done with a sentence,
just buzz me so I know.
Okay? You ready? Here we go. Oh, dang! Okay!
It's crazy, you know.
When Halloween is in the middle of the week
most people wait until the weekend to celebrate.
But not St. Patrick's Day.
No matter what, they party that night.
The Irish already lived through one famine.
They're not risking their local bar
running out of green beer, okay?
[ Bagpipes playing ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Here we -- Oh, no.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Aah...
Tastes green somehow.
Now, I got to be honest with you.
I've never really understood this holiday.
When I first heard about St. Patrick's Day,
I was like, "Damn! Lucky Charms
is really stepping up it's marketing budget, y'all!"
One thing I don't like
are those "kiss me, I'm Irish" shirts.
[ Bagpipes playing ]
Is that the noise?!
--Yeah.
-Whoa! Cheers.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hahhh!
[Chuckling] Ohh! Okay.
I'm not going to let a T-shirt tell me who to hook up with.
I'm an adult, okay?
I let vodka make my decisions, obviously.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ooh!
But I didn't know anything
about why people celebrate St. Patrick's Day.
My writers told me it's something to do with
getting a bunch of reptile off an island.
And I was like, "Are you sur
you're not confusing this with the plot of 'Jurassic Park'?
And according to legends,
he did a bunch of stuff like banishing all the snakes,
growing his walking stick into a tree,
and using a shamrock to teac people about Christianity.
It's weird that only one of those things
inspired a milkshake at McDonald's.
It's interesting because St. Patrick's Day
is the only cultural holiday where non-Irish people
can join in regardless of their heritage
[ Bagpipes playing ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
We're not pansies out here
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Coughs ] Okay! Mm-hmm.
This sounded so good before. But now --
Okay.
People wear costumes and paint their faces green.
Basically everything you should not do
during Black History Month
You feel me? Yeah.
It is pretty crazy that St. Patrick's Day
is the only holiday where yo can talk with a fake accen
or pretend to be a leprechau and no one gets mad.
It's like St. Patrick's Da
was the role Scarlett Johansso was born to play.
[ Laughter ]
It's not me! It's the vodka talking, okay?!
[ Cheers and applause ]
And one huge positive about St. Patrick's Day
is there are no rules.
You don't have to be careful
about offending anyone when you celebrate it.
It's not like when people sa "merry Christmas"
instead of "happy holidays."
No, on St. Patrick's Day, everyone can just yell,
"The Pope rules, y'all!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
So be grateful that St. Patrick's Day
is all about having fun and yo don't have to give anyone gifts.
The best thing you can do for a friend today
is not throw up on their futon
[ Cheers and applause ]
I will try my best.
I think as long as you're staying safe
and not being too annoying to your neighbors, go crazy!
Party all night and celebrate being Irish.
[ Bagpipes playing ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Or annoying someone Irish.
[ Bagpipes playing ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ugh. Or watching "The Irishman" on Netflix.
[ Bagpipes playing ]
We have a great show for you tonight.
DJ Daniel, run that track.