- This is what I look like. (laughter)
(cheering) I know. Oh, thanks.
I know what I can and I can't do in this world.
This is what I look like,
I know what I can and can't do.
I know that I can effectively haggle down the price
of a replica Civil War bayonet at a swap meet.
(laughter)
I don't even know what I'm talking about but this,
I can get that guy down to $20
just with eye contact and confidence,
I know I can do that. (laughter)
Nobody in here is gonna be surprised
if you see me about to get in a fist fight
with the night manager of a Red Lobster
over the technical start and end time of Shrimp Fest.
(laughter)
You see my marching around that lobby
rolling up my sleeves like
"Goddammit, Doug, don't tell me you can't make them,
"tell me you won't make them 'cause it's 11:58.
"Just be honest with me." (laughter)
(jazzy hip hop beat)
I think a lot of comedy comes from shared experiences,
things that we an relate to.
Keeping that in mind,
anybody else in here get so drunk last month
you had to call a cab just to take you to Wendy's?
(laughter)
All right, maybe, couple right there?
Yeah, get to that special point in your mid 30s
where you realize that drinking responsibly
and crying for help just kind of turned into the same thing.
(laughter)
A real successful Saturday night home alone.
I want those spicy nuggets!
You're too drunk to drive!
Well, call a cab 'cause you deserve them.
(laughter)
I'm doing the right thing.
How come it still feels sad? (laughter)
That's what I did, I called a cab,
and another grown man drove to my house for money
'cause that was his job.
And he got to my house and I jumped in his cab
and I said this,
don't do what I did when you get a cab.
I just jumped in and I just said
"We're going on an adventure!"
(laughter)
That's just $80 on the meter right away.
(laughter)
They don't want to be a tour guide, that's $80.
That's a Peter Pan tax is what that is.
That's the same amount of money if I were to just jump in
and be like "Take me to Neverland."
$80, you smell like you're probably gonna barf in here
so we're starting at 80.
Doesn't matter where you're going.
And so we drove to the Wendy's
and I made him take me through the drive-thru
because I did not trust him not to leave me there.
(laughter)
It was fair, he was suspicious of me,
I was suspicious of him, it was fair play.
(laughter)
But this is where I got in trouble, see,
is 'cause he was driving a van cab,
which means I had to open the whole side door
to place my order.
I was like "Well, there's no way in hell
"I'm not gonna fall on my ass doing this."
So I had one hand wrapped up in the seatbelt
and was just kind of hanging out the side
like a helicopter machine gunner.
I was just kind of hanging out.
(laughter)
I realized, oh, this is how they do
the high-speed ransom exchanges
in the action movies I love so much.
I'm gonna Bruce Willis the shit out of this.
So I wasn't even at the window, I was just hanging,
I was like "You throw me the nuggets,
"I'll throw you the cash!" (laughter)
And the lady working there, she threw me the little bag,
she's got to cut loose.
She's working late at a Wendy's,
have some fun with your life.
Have some fun with it.
So I got the stuff,
I'm yelling at the getaway driver,
at this point it's the getaway driver.
I was like "I got the package, step on it, go!"
But he's not in it, he's like
"I cannot go, the door is open,
"I cannot drive when the door is open.
"This is illegal, it's an illegal thing for me to do
"with the door open."
I'm like "But we're doing a whole thing right now.
"Where's your imagination?" (laughter)
But somebody clearly
had not taken improve classes in college
like some other of us have. (laughter)
"You are not yes anding right now."
(laughter)
"This other frosty was gonna be for you, yeah.
"But you blew it, yeah." (laughter)
Spent $114. (laughter)
Two frosties and a dozen nuggets.
(laughter)
'Cause I'm an American hero. (laughter and cheering)
What's fun in this world,
the best part of this world
is when you find out what you can't do.
And the only way you find out what you can't do
is when you try doing something and you fail at it.
You can't be scared of that,
that process is called learning.
And you can't be scared of learning.
Embrace it, just make sure you take the lesson from it.
I learned that I cannot take off my shirt
and then look after two boys, ages three and one years old,
at a family aquatic center in East Lansing, Michigan
on a Tuesday afternoon.
They were my friend's kids, I'm not a creep, alright.
I had a right to be there.
I'm having a family fun day with my buddy,
he's got his kids there, and we're doing a thing.
And he says to me,
he says "Kyle, can you look after my children,
"I got to go to the car to make the lunches.
"So can you look after my children?"
That's heavy. (laughter)
Ask somebody to look after,
so I took up my most fatherly and responsible voice,
I said "(bleep) yeah, I'll watch your kids, man,
"I'll do it, yeah." (laughter)
So I'm thinking they're kids, man,
they got tiny brains, they're easily manipulated.
They should be fine.
But then, 'cause he's a responsible dad,
before he left he slathered them down
with this SPF 8000 sun tan lotion or what have you
to protect them from the sun,
effectively turning them into two bars of prison soap
I got to try and hold onto at this pool
and he just leaves.
He leaves.
Now I got these little slippery bastards.
Now the three year old hits the deck,
just slides right into the deep end of the pool,
promptly stars sinking.
I kind of get a hold on the one year old
but he's like a buttered jellybean,
that thing just squirts right out the other way.
Now I got to start running around this family fun center
looking for these kids
and I got to start grabbing them and I'm grabbing kids
and I'm trying to grab one and compare them to another one
'cause I kind of remember what they look like.
(laughter)
And the thing is
people are real territorial about their kids,
I didn't know that.
You can't just grab one and walk with it for a second.
People are like "Is that your kid?"
It's like "No, piss off, man, I'm doing a thing."
You got to have a whole story.
You got to have a whole reason or whatever, I don't know.
So I starting calling, now my friend, he's a smart guy.
He named his kids, he gave them smart kid names.
Named them Malcolm and Archer, two smart kid names.
So now I got to run around
looking for a Malcolm and an Archer,
I got to start calling out Malcolm and Archer.
Now people at this pool are getting nervous.
Rightfully so because this does not have two kids
named Malcolm or Archer. (laughter)
If I do have two kids
I probably don't give a shit what they're doing
'cause I'm gonna be a negligent father,
that's a given. (laughter)
And if I do have and I am calling them out by their names,
by those ages I probably have nicknames for them already
like Miller Time and the Boss Man or something,
like that's how-- (laughter and applause)
So I'm running around, I'm trying to gather them,
"Malcolm, Archer," I'm calling these kids names,
I'm looking around,
I'm taking other kids, comparing them to other kids,
and now people are getting real nervous.
Now the lifeguard,
he's got the whistle in the mouth on the ready
because they're starting to put together
that this is a Tuesday afternoon
and anybody that looks like this
does not have legal custody of children on a weekday.
(laughter)
This is every other weekend at best.
I have lost privileges for certain.
(applause)
I'm happy because I discovered one of the keys to happiness
and it was simple.
One of the keys to happiness,
all you need to do
is redefine what a miracle is for yourself,
that's all it is.
Just loosen up your definition of what a miracle can be.
All a miracle is is the world letting you know
it can still surprise you.
That's all it is, plain and simple.
And if you adhere to that
you get to experience miracles all the time.
I get to have them all the time.
Recently I experienced a miracle
and the miracle I experienced was I burnt my laundry.
(laughter)
That's it. (laughter)
And it's something that should've just pissed me off
but I didn't even know you could do that.
(laughter)
Just sat at the laundromat holding a meteorite
that used to be my favorite t-shirts,
but instead of getting pissed or angry
I was overwhelmed with a sense of joy
and curiosity about the world.
Instead of being mad I'm just yelling out at everybody
like "Did you know this could even happen?"
(laughter)
I put the same coins in the same machines as you all did.
You got fresh laundry.
I created a new element for the universe.
(laughter)
Spent two weeks just calling myself the Alchemist.
I took it serious. (laughter)
I have been chosen. (laughter)
Things are going good though.
I did a interview.
I got to do a interview for "Hustler" magazine".
(laughter)
Yeah, that's a weird,
no you're right to have mixed emotions.
(laughter)
Some like "Mmm, okay."
Some woos.
I think if I was younger,
if I was a teenager it would've been a woo.
- Yeah. - Yeah, thanks.
(laughter)
Sure would be, Kyle. (laughter)
That's the thing, I don't know,
because at 15 it would've been a woo
because yeah, it's "Hustler".
But then to be in it in a interview,
because then I would just be wooing,
be like
"Yeah, my friends are gonna see my face
"while they're holding their dicks."
(laughter)
So I don't know, that's a weird thing to be excited about.
But I did it, still, okay,
comedy's going all right
and a publication wants to interview me.
So I'll do it, any press, it's press.
So I did it and I didn't think anything,
'cause it was only going in the print version too.
And I don't know who would even acquire a print,
I don't know who that's for.
I don't know who's still buying,
just anybody that doesn't have access to technology
like a hobo who's entertainment fund
is a sock full of nickels finally overflowed enough.
Time to get us something fun
for around the garbage fire, boys.
(laughter)
Or it's just some new version of hipster that's over vinyl,
is just really into analog porn now.
(laughter)
Just some new type of dude--, (cheering)
it just has such warmer tones to it, you know.
There's a subtlety to it
that digital's just never gonna capture.
Plus is just so nice to hold something in your hand,
to feel the weight of it, it's great.
(laughter)
So I did it and it was out there
and I didn't think anybody would see it,
but my mom found out.
So I had to have that phone call
which I never thought would ever happen in life,
which was, I mean, if you could be your own mom going
"What's this thing in Hustler that you did?"
And I panicked, it was new panic too.
It wasn't even like I got this situation.
It was just like "Oh, no, I was an interview, words,
"it was words and I didn't do,
"there was no pictures, I didn't do pictures, it was words!
"It was for comedy, it was for comedy and there was--"
And she goes "I know you didn't do pictures."
And then it got weird 'cause I'm like
"Why, you don't think I could do pictures?"
Like whoa, that's a corner of your brain
you don't want to enter right now, Kyle.
Leave that shit alone. (laughter)
But at that point I was ready for her
to probably be disappointed or let down and say something.
It's your mom and if she finds out in you're in any context,
thinking like "Well, Kyle,
"sometimes you do somethings and I don't agree with them,"
and I was ready for that.
Not that I want to disappoint her
but I was ready for that generation gap.
But instead of disappointment,
what I got was her saying
"Oh, I know it was just an interview.
"It's just your father and I have been driving around
"trying to find a copy.
"We don't know where to go."
(groans) (laughter)
Such a worse feeling, such a worse feeling.
(laughter)
Oh, mom knows how to crank up the dial.
"You're probably disappointed."
"No, it's just your father and I
"have just been bursting into liquors stores
"and porno shops all over the western suburbs of Chicago."
Going to the guy behind the counter like,
"Hi, do you have any Hustlers here?"
(laughter)
Which I can see that guy being stunned,
like, wow, you're the oldest perverts I've ever seen.
But coming in as a couple, heartwarming,
heartwarming, you know.
Way to keep it spicy in the silver years, I like it.
Let's see what we got here,
we got a "Penthouse", that's sort of along the lines.
Probably don't know how the computers work,
that's why we're going print, okay.
We got "Juggs" over here.
That's a little more something for the fella,
but hey, I'm not gonna judge you guys where it's at.
At that point
it's probably where my dad just getting frustrated
'cause they're wasting time.
Pushes my mom out of the way
and just goes "Nah, we need Hustler.
"That's the one our kid's in."
(groans) (laughter)