- When someone you love loses someone they love,
you might want to help,
but feel intimidated by the enormity of that loss.
What do you say to something like that?
What can you say that can take it away?
Take the pain away, make them feel better.
We put so much pressure on ourselves to help
that oftentimes we fail to do anything.
So what should you do?
What should you say?
Let's dive in.
(upbeat music)
Hi, I'm Jonathan Decker, Licensed Therapist.
In 2005, one of my college buddies lost his mother
to terminal illness.
My heart broke for him.
I was close with my mom and I struggled
to comprehend what it would be like if she died.
Although I wanted to be there for him,
I found myself frozen into inaction,
intimidated by the enormity of his loss.
I felt inadequate in the face of it.
Nothing I could say or do
would take away the pain he was feeling.
I didn't know what he was going
through by my own experience,
so I felt like I had no place to give advice or comfort.
So to my shame, I did nothing.
Leaving the consoling to his closer friends and family
while I sympathize from a distance
at the funeral, I think that's about all I did.
And you know what?
It's lonely when friends keep their distance.
That next year, my own mother unexpectedly passed away.
And the reality of my friend's pain
took on a terrible immediacy.
The tables were turned and I found myself
on the receiving end of,
people's awkward inability to approach the mourner.
Perhaps they felt inadequate in the face of my loss.
Maybe they thought that discussing anything,
day to day or normal with me might be insensitive.
Whatever the reasons, the result was
that I felt isolated when I most needed support.
So what do people do?
They regularly asked my best friend how I was doing.
He told them that they should ask me themselves.
And then I'd probably appreciate the connection.
Still many held back, and it was a lonely time.
With new understanding, I called my other buddy,
the one whose mother had died the year before,
to apologize for leaving him out
in the cold when he needed me.
We had a great conversation and came to the same conclusion.
"We didn't need anyone to make it better."
"We just needed them to openly care."
We needed to not feel alone.
See, that's the thing, folks, you don't need to fix it.
You just have to be there.
When a friend loses a loved one,
don't allow anything to keep you from acting.
Don't worry about not having the right words.
You don't need to say the perfect thing.
If all you can say is, I'm so sorry for your loss.
As cliche as that phrase sounds,
if it said sincerely it registers and consoles.
Flowers are good, but for me, hugs were better
and verbal or written memories
of my mom were the best thing of all.
My sincere thinks, if you're watching
to those friends and family who did those things,
it helped more than you'll know.
It really doesn't take much.
Sometimes after condolences are expressed,
mourners need a laugh or to talk about something normal.
It helps them to feel like their life was going to go on.
Most importantly, remember that the initial flood of support
in the first few weeks and months,
everyone else moves on
while the mourner is often still grieving.
They will feel that absence for the rest of their lives.
This is not to say that they'll
never feel joy or normalcy again,
is just a reminder for the rest of us
to check in once in a while.
We all experienced the pain of loss.
We can also experience the hope
and love that comes when we mourn
with those that mourn
and comfort those who stand in need of comfort.
You know, speaking of that situation with my friend,
going back a minute when people asking him,
hey, is Jonathan all right?
How's he doing?
And him saying, you can talk to him yourself.
I mean, they really could.
I love talking about it.
And my experience is that most people
who are mourning someone, don't want to feel
like that person's going to be forgotten.
And rather than, oh, I can't believe
he just brought her up that caused me so much pain.
How could you say that?
I was glad to talk about it.
And I was glad to remember,
I was glad to celebrate.
We need that.
Now, if you're watching this,
you've probably experienced a loss
or you're close to someone who has.
Here at Mended Light,
We are committed to helping you through
the hardest times in your life.
Whether that's abuse,
whether that's infidelity, loss, any form of trauma.
We have a whole category here.
We have a whole playlist here
on our YouTube channel on grief and mourning.
I just did a video on how failing to mourn can hurt you.
So if you like this one, go ahead and check that out.
Now, when it comes to helping another
through their grief or the type of help that you needed
when you were grieving,
what helped, what was beneficial?
What was useful?
What was comforting?
Let us know in the comments below
and read each other's comments.
'Cause we can all get ideas from one another.
We're all here to help each other out.
If you enjoyed this video, please subscribe
by clicking the button down below and the bell.
So you get notified whenever we have a new video.
Please share this with your friends, especially
those who are struggling and those who are mourning.
We're here for you.
As we say in our name, Mended Light,
we're here to help you shine bright.
We're here to help you fix all that's broken
within you so that you can stand strong and stand proud
and be the best and happiest version of yourself.
If you'd like our guide three keys to healing from trauma,
you can click the link down below to claim that.
I'm Jonathan Decker, Licensed Therapist,
and I'll see you next time.
(upbeat music)