HI, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I am a parenting expert. And one of the most common things
that people come to me asking is, "How do I get my husband on the same page? How do
I get my wife to care about this? She feels like she has to be angry at the children.
I don't think she does. I think we should be able to be calm. Maybe we should have a
more friendly environment." People worry about when they're not on the same page with each
other in their marriage and with their parenting. And this is all a real, legitimate concern
because if we're not on the same page, then what is it going to be like for the children.
A bunch of back of forth? We know that that inconsistency is not healthy. So, this video
is all about fixing that problem. I know exactly what to do when parents are not on the same
page. There are 3 types of parents generally speaking. There's your peacemaker-friend type
parent. There's your bully-fear based authoritarian type parent. And then there's your traditional,
strict, principled, calm kind of a parent who is firm but calm. Now, what type of a
parent are you? The most effective type of parenting is actually the traditional strict
type of parenting because that's the type of parenting that is planned out. And I think
whenever people start taking parenting courses and trying to improve their parenting, they're
getting more deliberate in their parenting. And so, they're starting to make plans. But
then there's this other person who just doesn't want to deal with it. Maybe they feel like
there's not really a problem. It's no big deal. Our kids are turning out fine or "Can't
we all just be friends and focus on that?" That passive peacemaker kind of approach to
parenting. Or maybe that other parent is thinking, "Listen, we're fine. They don't cross me,
they just cross you because you're a pushover. You know, because there maybe more of the
heavy. So, there's the heavy and the pushover. Right? Usually. And in most couples, there's
usually one of each. Sometimes not but that is a very common accurance because there's
this balance, right? Opposites attack to kind of yin and the yang. Plus we're all raised
differently and we've have different experiences with our own parents. So, what are the negative
effects of this permissive type of parenting. Well, there are many. When a person is permissive
or focused on being the child's friend as opposed to really giving them instruction
and direction on a regular, consistent basis by correcting and teaching then that child
is left feeling somewhat abandoned. Believe it or not, they feel like the parent doesn't
care. They also start testing all kinds of boundaries in every which way because their
trying to find what is true. They end up a little bit more lost than the other children
even they're more lost than the children who are raised by parents who have that heavy
authoritarian type parenting. Because at least those heavies are willing to draw a line.
But if we don't draw a lines for out children, if the only line we ever draw is "Well, is
it legal or not?" That's not a very good line that a person can steak their life's choices
on. Because the laws are changing all the time. And to base your morality on the laws,
super modern progressive, super subjective. And the child ends up feeling like they're
morally addressed. So, there are many negative consequences that accompany this more permissive
style of parenting. One of those other negative consequences is that the parent and child
don't actually end up with the tight bond that the parent is looking for. So, usually
the parent wants to be that wise person to the child. They're so friendly with them,
they want to be the best of friends and usually the child ends up turning on the parent anyway
and going toward peers. Because the parent never exercises that parental authority enough
to help the child have enough time with family. Often times, in fact, many times the parents
even put that interaction, that social interaction with peers above the importance of the interactions
with family and the interactions with parents. So, those are some pretty significant negative
effects. And there are others. So, what are the negative effects of being the heavy or
this authoritarian-type parent? Well, some of those negative effects are your children
are often times afraid. They often times lie a lot and try to work the system. Because
they're trying to get around the unjust rigidness that they feel in that parent that is constantly
putting their thumb on them and squashing anything that they try to do. Another negative
effect is over time, they often times turn into the aggressor themselves. And the relationships
usually end up damaged. This is where we see parents and children hitting each other, turning
on each other when they hit adulthood. Because they just can't be around that aggressive
person anymore because they want to be the dominant one, the aggressive one. We do see
some children that end up feeling very passive like victims their whole life. They make bad
choices when it comes to relationships in the future. But the lying one is a big one.
They often times they're not that obedient when nothing is noticed. When it's noticed,
they're 100% obedient and they'll fix a problem because they worry about the wrath. But behind
the scenes when things aren't checked up on, they are lying all the time. Because they
have to have this feeling like they get a control something about their life that is
often times so micromanaged. So, what do parents need to do to get on the same page? I conquer
this again and again and again. In fact, I have this 3-day trainings. They're called
Teaching Self-Government Parenting Mastery Trainings where couples will come and they
will get on the same page. That's the whole point. Here's the thing, if you've got one
person who's permissive and one person who's a heavy, the only option in either of those
people's minds is that the other person has to come their direction. The other person
has to adopt what they think is right. But there's actually another solution. The other
solution is that both the parents learn a whole new set of skills. They need that drastically.
If both parents have the same skills and they happen to learn them at the same time or near
the same time, then the parents can help each other along one doesn't feel over the other
one hopefully some of that competitiveness that some couples have in their parenting
will actually decrease. And there will be this unified presence with the children. In
fact, the children learn all the same skills as well. So, everyone is unified. Everyone
is on the same page. Not even just the parents being on the same page. The children know
every word that the parents will say when it's a time of correction. And what happens
when everyone has these skillsets in common with each other, this vocabulary in common
with each is the anxiety decreases. And the child doesn't feel as worried about doing
something wrong. They feel it's safe to be taught by the parents to be corrected and
instructed by the parents. It really is a beautiful thing. 4 things that create really
good parenting that everybody can usually get on the same page with is if the parenting
is honest, principled, kind and affective. That Affectiveness means there has to be a
type of a firmness with it. Now, that's where your permissive parents has to bend a little
bit. They've got to come toward affective because permissiveness and seeking for friendship
is just not affective. It has been proven as much as people keep talking about becoming
the child's friend and being their best friend and how that is desirable, we are not seeing
positive results of that we are seeing children turn away from their friend-like parents at
rapid rate. More than ever before, we see children not listening to their parents and
instead following the voices of society. That mean parents aren't being good leaders. They
need more firmness, they need more identity in their parenting and the children will thrive
if they have it. In 2009, the BBC came to our home and they brought us 2 troubled teens
both ages 17. And they were going to film a program called the World's Strictest Parents.
If you want to see this program, you can click link in the top corner of the video here.
And it will take you to that program. The World's Strictest Parents program that was
filmed at our home show the world something that they have never seen before. And so it
became most watched episode of that program that they had ever seen on the BBC. They saw
calmness. They saw parents not lose control. But they saw firmness and consistency as well.
People did not know that these things could be combined together and they didn't know
how effective it would be either. So, the world watch with interest as we took these
2 troubled children into our home and into our heart. Oh, we love them. And at the end
of the program, they showed how much they had grown to love us in just 8 days that they
were in our home. The first 2 days, they had tantrum after tantrum. They ran away from
our home 5 times. But by the end of the 8th day when it was time to go, they were crying
and begging not to leave our home and asking if they could comeback for a visit and if
we would keep in touch with them. They had experienced a change in their heart. They
had seen truth that they didn't know existed. They had felt good, solid traditional strict
parenting which is always wrapped in love and understanding. Not anger and fear as many
people think. So, what did we have that they love so much? We had control over ourselves.
And we had a method of communicating with each other that was effective. We also knew
where we were going as a family. So, that control over ourselves that we have is called
self-government. We know were all in charge of controlling ourselves. Our hearts, our
behaviors. That's our individual responsibilities as each member of the family. Then we have
good open communication. We have meetings that we have together each week. 3 different
meetings that we have a family every Sunday afternoon. These meetings help us deliberately
decide again and again that we're going to keep becoming the type of family that we planned
to become years and years ago. Which leads us to our plan. We created a family vision
of who we were going to become 20 years in the future and every day, our communication
and our problem solving that we do together as a family unites our hearts together because
we know where we're headed with that communication and with that correction. We don't take it
personal because we know who we are as a family and where we're going. They felt that. And
everytime those 2 teens tried to take something personally, it didn't get them the effect
that they wanted. They weren't happy yet we were always fine. We didn't engage in the
power struggles yet we still love them even if they were trying to have one. They didn't
understand this. They didn't know how we can love them beyond of misbehavior, beyond power
struggle. How we could have patience and understanding yet firmness all along the way. My husband
and I had to get on the same page with each other when we started doing foster care for
troubled teens years ago when our own children were only just babies. That effort that we
made to change everything --to learn skills, to plan exactly how we would communicate with
each other and with the children made us the parents who were ready to do that BBC program.
Who were ready to show the world that you don't have to be angry or try to be their
best friend in order to help a child choose to have a change of heart. There are many
other things that I can teach you about parenting styles and how they relate to the children.
If you've like this video, I'm pretty sure you're going to want to click on this next
video up here on the corner which is How Do Parenting Styles Significantly Impact a Child's
Temperament?