- Okay, a speeding ticket I get, I'll give you that one.
But reckless driving?
I think I know how to handle going a 100 on the highway
in a responsible manner.
If I had done this crime,
I wouldn't have gotten caught, okay?
I wouldn't have been that sloppy.
But if you share with me what you have so far,
I think I can help you find the guy who did it,
if the advisor fee is high enough.
You really gonna book me for setting off fireworks?
If I drive 20 minutes to the next state,
suddenly they're legal?
How does that make any sense?
So just because some people drew some lines on a map,
and then some other people decided,
"Oh, in this place, we don't like having fun.
"We don't like blowing stuff up."
Suddenly I'm in trouble?
How is that fair?
Okay, so maybe I should've renewed
my expired license by now.
And yes, it's entirely possible that I have forgotten
to report to jury duty once or twice.
But, in my defense, I have been really busy
and stressed out recently, okay?
Public drunkenness?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're telling me that it is illegal to have fun.
Well, in that case, you might as well
just throw me in jail forever.
Wait a second, no, I didn't mean that.
Please don't do it. (sighs)
I'm never drinking Tito's again.
Listen, officer, when there was once an ugly, barren,
eyesore of an overpass, there's now a beautiful mural,
that will serve as inspiration for generations to come
and look dope in their Instagram photos.
I was disturbing the peace?
Well, Timmy's been disturbing my freaking peace
since the day I met him, I had to retaliate.
I'd had enough.
Let me stop you really quick, detective,
and let you know that your questioning of me today
has been at best lackluster and ineffective.
And I am frankly shocked
that my taxes are paying your salary.
I'm sorry for arguing with you, officer.
I mean, I'm not actually sorry for arguing with you,
because I was right, but I mean,
I regret getting us into this situation.
I'm here to turn myself in.
I accidentally parked in a handicapped spot at the mall.
The sign was really faded and hard to read,
but it's no excuse.
I should've known better.
I'm so sorry.
Just, just lock me up.
I may be on the wrong side of the law today
for protesting in the nude without a permit,
but I know that I am on the right side of history.
So I hope you all are proud of yourselves.
All right, I might have done some light scamming
and maybe a little bit of a Ponzi scheme.
I personally don't use that terminology,
but what are you gonna do?
The way I look at it is there are plenty of people out there
who are willing to give up their money.
Someone's gotta stand up and take it from them.
I didn't know it was stolen!
All I knew is that there was this old lady
who needed help carrying a TV.
Very fast.
How was I supposed to know that she was
a hardened criminal in disguise?
What was I supposed to do?
Just let her fall and break her hip?
Please, I can't go to jail!
I mean, look at me.
I couldn't hang with the guys in there for one second!
They'll eat me alive!
No, no, that's not mine, it's for my aunt Hilda.
She sends me out to get it for her.
She says it's for her glaucoma.
But I'm not so sure I believe her anymore.
I wouldn't go out and get it for myself.
That's way too much social interaction.
So if you look at the government websites I hacked,
you can see I wasn't up to anything nefarious.
I was just having a bit of fun.
You know, writing funny captions,
changing the pictures and the fonts.
You've gotta admit, it's pretty humorous
that the State Department's website is in Comic Sans now.
But I realize how this could be taken the wrong way.
And so, I apologize, and I promise not to do it again,
even though I could.
If anything, I have done this community a great service
at no cost to the taxpayer.
From the way that you struggled to catch up with me
and pull me over, I think I can teach you a thing or two.
Even though I could. (laughs)