There are so many things.
There are so many thousands of things
that I've loved about doing this job
over the past 16 seasons.
One thing in particular though,
I should share with you,
NBC has a giant satellite dish
atop 30 Rockefeller Plaza.
This thing is huge.
It gets hundreds of television networks
you've never heard of.
And what we've done over the years
is sometimes we've shared some of these odd channels,
that no one ever sees,
with the viewing public.
Well, we thought tonight
we'd show you some of the channels that we've checked out.
Some of our favorites here at Late Night,
over the past many years.
The first one we wanted to show you,
let's bring the monitor down.
It almost kills me every time.
(audience laughing)
Why it has a knife edge here
I'll never understand.
This is a channel,
usually we pretend I have a remote control.
There's one there but I'm just gonna use my thumb
'cause I don't really operate anything here.
This first one's a channel we checked out once,
people seem to really like it.
It's called the John Tesh animal planet show.
And it's now showing when Teshes attack.
[Narrator] Fierce and powerful,
the Tesh is one of the most dangerous predators
in nature.
With the Tesh's ability
to blend in to its surroundings
and it's powerful jaws,
the laws of natural selection work
at a fevered pitch.
(ominous music)
Occasionally Teshes become disoriented
and wander into an urban setting.
(people screaming)
(Teshes shouting)
Perhaps the Tesh's most lethal killing weapon
is it's music.
(piano playing)
The Tesh's music releases neurotoxins in the brain,
which instantly leads to paralysis
and then death.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
This next channel is called toddlers
with too much responsibility channel.
Thank you so much for watching the house for me.
I really appreciate it Marjorie.
What can I tell you?
The security code is eight, six, four,
then just press enter.
You've got the car keys.
And if you need any of the phone numbers,
they're on the refrigerator.
Thanks again.
Have a great weekend.
(audience laughing)
What the hell are you doing?
He's flat lined.
Crack his chest and restart his heart,
let's go.
(machine ringing)
Here.
Ah, I'm hit!
I mean, go after him please,
go get him.
(audience laughing)
Oh god.
Go get him!
(audience clapping)
This next channel revives a comedy classic,
it's called the year long spit take channel.
The year long spit take channel.
So anyway, I took my kids to see
the reptile exhibit at the zoo this past weekend.
Turns out the main attraction was my mother-in-law.
(man spitting loudly)
Good one.
Thanks.
(audience clapping)
This is one of our favorites,
the sexual harassing skeleton network.
(audience laughing)
Hmm, what have we here?
Hey, do me a favor muffin,
file this caboose under S,
for sweet.
(skeleton laughs)
That's it!
And then he touched my butt.
How could I touch her but?
I don't have muscles in my hands.
She says you ogled her.
Oh, with what?
My empty eye sockets.
Need I point out, Mr. Jeffreys, that I'm a skeleton.
Oh my, I didn't know melons were in season.
Gross.
Don't mind if I do.
(audience laughing)
Mr Jeffreys!
Take it easy and shut up.
So what do you have to say for yourself now?
I don't have genitals.
Mr. Jeffreys, will you please point out to this gold digger
that I am a skeleton.
And I'll see you in the copy room, sugar lumps.
Skeleton.
(audience applauding)
Lot of people asked us about this one.
We thought we'd show it again.
The men without hats conversation channel.
You want some toast.
♪ We'll make toast if you want to ♪
♪ We can leave your friends behind ♪
♪ 'Cause your friends don't toast ♪
♪ And if they don't toast ♪
♪ Well they're no friends of mine ♪
I want a divorce.
♪ We'll get divorced if you want to ♪
♪ We can get divorced on time ♪
Dave, could you file this for me, please?
♪ We could file if we want to ♪
♪ We could file this right on time ♪
♪ 'Cause your friends don't file ♪
♪ And if they don't file ♪
♪ Well they're no friends of mine ♪
You're fired.
Would that be all?
May I bring the check for you, sir?
♪ Bring the check if you want to ♪
♪ You can bring the check right now ♪
♪ Because your friends don't check ♪
♪ And if they don't check well they're-- ♪
(audience applauding)
He had it coming.
(audience applauding)
We have an affinity for animals here at Late Night.
Check out this next channel,
dog ventriloquist channel.
(dog barks)
(dog barking)
(dog howling)
(dog barking)
(audience applauding)
(dog howling)
Had to show this one.
Clive Clemens' inappropriate response channel.
Yeah, so I spent the weekend in Connecticut
with my grandmother.
Ooh, kinky!
(man laughs mischievously)
What?
(rock guitar playing)
[Narrator] Inappropriate!
Wow, coffee sure is good today.
Thank God for Saddam Hussein.
(whispering) What?
(rock guitar playing)
[Narrator] Inappropriate!
Dad, I hit my first home run today.
Check this out.
(audience laughing)
(rock guitar playing)
[Narrator] Inappropriate!
(audience applauding)
This next segment haunts me
in my dreams.
Potato judge channel.
My client is a loving mother of two,
who merely forgot to put money in the meter.
And a parking ticket says that she's to be sentenced
to death.
There has to be a mistake.
Guilty!
(crying) This is insane.
It's horrible. No!
You'll have to come with me.
Oh god, I don't wanna die. I'll call you.
Your Honor please.
The police picked up my client,
charging her with the murder of J. R. Ewing,
a fictional character, please.
Kill her, she's guilty!
That's a potato.
I know.
No, it's a potato.
(crying) It's a potato, it's a potato.
Your Honor please.
My client is a young boy
who came to the police station
to report his bike stolen
and he has to be sentenced to life at hard labor.
(ominous music)
Guilty!
I didn't do anything!
Come on kid, it's okay. I didn't do anything!
(audience applauding)
And finally,
I really wrestled with my conscience on this last one
but I'm going to show it.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's called
Lincoln money shot channel.
(audience laughs)
(sultry music)
♪ Money shot ♪
(sultry music)
(man breathing heavily)
♪ Money shot ♪
(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Our head writer, Mike Sweeney.
Your best work, we'll take a break,
when we come back, our friend Bob Saget, stopping by.