Heya playa, if you have a hard time being social after you've been burned in the past
or someone has betrayed your trust, don't worry.
In this video, I'm gonna tell you how to form new relationships with people so you can trust
them again without the fear that they're always going to hurt you.
This is The Josh Speaks.
You're watching The Josh Speaks.
For those of you that are new here my name is Josh and every single week, I make videos
sharing tips, ideas and stories teaching you how to be your best self so if you want to
learn and grow, hit the subscribe button and make sure to click on the notification bell.
Trust is an interesting characteristic because it takes so long to build up with someone
but in an instant, you can lose it.
And when this starts to happen to you over and over, you start to become less trusting
of new people.
You start to replace the thought of "wow this is a person I can rely on" with "When will
this person hurt me?", not if this person will hurt me, "When will they hurt me?".
And that is no way to live a comfortable and safe life so the first thing you're going
to want to start doing is practicing being present when you're around new people.
A lot of times your mind can wander and make you start to feel like is this a person I
can trust?
Are they going to betray me?
What do they want from me?
You start to second-guess their intentions without even getting to know them first.
This tends to happen a lot before you've even met the person.
Maybe you've heard rumors or gossip about the person.
Maybe you've seen them interact with someone else and you start to formulate an opinion
about them without actually having a conversation yourself.
If instead you practice being present with that person, it'll be easier for you to get
a better read on who they are.
You're not coming in with your preconceived notions and you're not expecting them to fail.
You're allowing them to teach you about who they are in that moment and you're not letting
anything else create your opinion for you.
And along with being in the present moment, it's incredibly important for you to also
set boundaries.
Now look, I'm not saying go into a situation completely naive assuming that this person
is great and they're not gonna do anything wrong but by setting a boundary and telling
yourself these are the type of behaviors I'm willing to accept, these are the type of interactions
I want to have, it's going to be easier for you to vet that person and to see if they're
someone you want to bring into your life.
For example, let's say you're having a conversation with someone and every single time you talk
about yourself the shut you down.
They minimize what you're saying and they just bring the conversation back to them.
Well, the boundary you might want to set for yourself is that you don't really want to
be around or interact or get close to people you feel are not actually going to pay attention
to what matters to you.
Instead, they're just going to talk about themselves.
So, if you feel like that's the type of interaction you're having with the person and you don't
really think you can trust them to change then you may want to set the boundary and
not interact with them as much.
The most important thing to remember about setting boundaries is that it prevents you
from overextending yourself.
From putting yourself in situations where you don't feel comfortable but everyone else
around you does and they may be pushing you to talk to someone, to trust someone, to be
around them when it's just not something you want to do.
Setting boundaries is a healthy and important thing to do.
It's gonna take you time to work through those trust issues so if people are putting pressure
on you to just "get over things" and to just "move on", they have to understand that you
move at your own pace.
That's the best thing you can offer to other people because you don't want to get into
a situation where you're fake and you're not real in interacting with them and you don't
want to feel uncomfortable so you have to work through it at your own pace.
So what do you do if you feel like the hurt from your past continues to haunt you today?
Well, I think the best thing you can work on is practicing forgiveness.
Now forgiveness doesn't mean accepting that the other person is not in the wrong for what
they did, they may very clearly hurt you but to practice forgiveness is to be able to let
go.
To accept that you don't have to carry the burden of what they did.
Every time you think about them you don't have to be angry or upset or hurt or feel
scared.
You can let go of those feelings, accept that it was something that happened in your past
and be ok with moving forward in a positive new direction.
Forgiveness is also something that takes time.
You're learning to let things go.
Now a lot of people tend to see it as "well, I want that person to be apologetic for how
they hurt me so that I can trust again" but what you're really doing is allowing someone
else to determine and dictate how you should feel emotionally.
At the end of the day, you're in control of those emotions, not that other person.
And these new people that you're interacting with may not understand the full gravity of
how you've been affected by things in the past so being able to forgive yourself and
forgive whatever has happened to you will allow you to move forward and be more open
and honest with the new people that you want to interact with.
And one of the most challenging parts of being social with people and feeling like you can't
open up and trust them is that your behavior looks as if you don't care about them, you're
being rude, you don't want to interact with them, that you're keeping things to yourself.
They start to perceive you in that negative light when in reality, you're just starting
to get out of your comfort zone and that's something that they should be aware of.
But, the only way that they're going to be aware of that is if you're open and honest
with them so here's what I would recommend doing.
If you want to be more social with people, interact with them and be more trusting of
them let them know about what's happened to you in the past.
I'm not saying in the first interaction say "Hi my name is Josh, by the way, I've been
hurt in the past" but what I am saying is this.
As you go deeper into the conversation with them, let them know why you feel hurt by other
people.
What has happened in the past and what type of relationships are you hoping to build.
For example, let's say in the past you've been cheated on by your boyfriend or girlfriend
and because of that, it's hard for you to start a new conversation, open up your heart
and let someone in.
Now to the other person, they may read you as cold, and non-caring and just totally not
open but in reality, you're just protecting yourself.
So, how do you communicate that to them?
Well in that specific scenario, try to be more present-minded.
Recognize that the person you're talking to has their own thoughts and feelings, and experiences
that they bring to the table that are different from the person from your past.
Next, try to be more forgiving of yourself.
Recognize that you've been through something hurtful and it's going to take you time to
work through that.
You shouldn't be expected to just jump right back into the fray as if everything is normal
again.
And finally, set up boundaries for yourself.
If you notice similar patterns or behaviors or even red flags that you caught before with
the previous person you were talking to, recognize that you don't have to stay in that situation.
You can pull back, you can talk to them less, you can leave all together.
The choice is yours.
Being open and honest with people is the best way to rebuild trust.
You know that you're presenting your authentic self and that's the most you can offer.
Instead of creating a persona and telling people what they want to hear, you're giving
them who you really are and it's up to them to choose to accept it or not.
And is it possible that you may get hurt again?
Absolutely.
Life is uncertain like that, you can't ever prevent someone else from deciding to hurt
you, that's their choice, not yours.
All you can do is know that deep down inside, no matter what you're strong enough to work
through that pain.
You can get through it no matter what they bring to your table.
But I'm curious though, what do you think?
Do you have a hard time trusting people and if you do, what happened in your life that
created that scenario?
Share it in the comments section down below and let's talk about what's going on in our
lives.
Also what I want you to do next is to check out the video over there on the side, that's
going to help you work on rebuilding your trust with people.
It's not an easy thing to do but it is possible.
No one is too damaged, I know you may feel like you are but you will get through this.
Together we can do this guys, I can help you do that.
And on that notes guys, I'll catch you next time.
As always, love and peace.