WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW EVERYBODY, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN
COLBERT, AND I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE THE ENERGY THESE PEOPLE
HAVE, THEY HAVE BEEN THROUGH HELL AND BACK THIS AFTERNOON IN
THIS WEATHER HERE.
YOU KNOW HOW THE GOVERNMENT CAN'T GET ANYTHING DONE?
AND CONGRESS CAN'T AGREE ON ANYTHING.
WELL, BIG NEWS, SOMETHING HAPPENED.
UH, I THINK.
PROBABLY.
(
ALL WE KNOW IS PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT IT A LOT, SO
THAT'S NOT NOTHING, ONE IMAGINES.
HERE'S WHAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED.
LAST NIGHT A BIPARTISAN GROUP OF KEY LAWMAKERS ANNOUNCED A
TENTATIVE DEAL THAT WOULD AVERT ANOTHER GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN AT
THE END OF THE WEEK.
A TENTATIVE DEAL AT THE END OF THE WEEK.
( LAUGHTER )
IMPRESSED, AT SOME LATER DATE.
( APPLAUSE )
STICKING POINT, OF COURSE, HAS BEEN TRUMP'S WALL.
HE DEMANDED $5.7 BILLION TO BUILD 215 MILES OF WALL.
A: EXPERTS SAY WE DON'T NEED A WALL.
AND B: 215 MILES WOULD NOT BE ENOUGH.
IMMIGRANTS TOLD US YEARS AGO HOW MANY MILES THEY'D BE WILLING TO
WALK.
♪ I WOULD WALK 500 MILES AND I WOULD WALK 500 MORE ♪
( CLAWPING ).
>> Stephen: OH, HEY!
500 MILES AND 500 MORE.
>> Jon: IT'S VERY CLEAR.
WHO KNOWS HOW MUCH THAT IS?
BUT THIS DEAL GIVES TRUMP ONLY LESS THAN $1.4 BILLION FOR JUST
55 MILES OF FENCES.
THE BORDER IS 2,000 MILES, SO OF COURSE, THEY'LL NEED TO SET
ASIDE MONEY FOR SIGNS THAT SAY, "PLEASE ATTEMPT TO CROSS ONLY AT
FENCE."
IT'S AN HONOR SYSTEM.
YOU'RE ON YOUR HONOR.
( APPLAUSE )
THE GOVERNMENT AFTER REJECTING A BORDER BILL BACK IN DECEMBER?
WELL, THAT DEAL OFFERED HIM $1.6 BILLION FOR FENCING.
THAT IS SOME A-PLUS NEGOTIATING.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
"OKAY, HERE WE GO.
NO, NO.
YOU WRITE A NUMBER ON A SLIP OF PAPER, PASS IT ACROSS THE TABLE
TO ME, OKAY.
THEN I'M GONNA SHUT DOWN THE TABLE FOR A MONTH UNTIL EVERYONE
GETS REALLY MAD AND CARDI B.
CALLED ME OUT.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU SLIDE ME AN EVEN SMALLER NUMBER, AND I SAY YES.
DEAL ART-ED."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU THE ART.
SHOW-ART."
HE DIDN'T GET WHAT HE WANTED, AND HIS TV FRIENDS NOTICED AND
THEY'RE BEING MEAN ABOUT IT.
LOU DOBBS TWEETED, "THEIR DEAL IS AN INSULT TO POTUS AND THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE."
LAURA INGRAHAM CALLED IT "PATHETIC."
AND SEAN HANNITY SAID THIS BILL IS A "GARBAGE COMPROMISE."
AND THIS AFTERNOON, TRUMP AGREED WITH THOSE PEOPLE WHO TELL HIM
WHAT HE AGREES WITH.
>> I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.
IT'S NOT DOING THE TRICK.
>> Stephen:
"NO, IT'S NOT DOING THE TRICK, OKAY.
TRY ROLLING UP THE AGREEMENT AND SPANKING ME WITH IT.
OH!"
BUT HE'S SURE THAT WHEN HE DOES BUILD HIS WALL, IT'S GOING TO BE
BEAUTIFUL-- NOT LIKE THOSE UGGO WALLS THAT OTHER PRESIDENTS
PUT UP.
>> BUT THEY WERE SO UGLY WITH RUSTED STEEL AND BIG UGLY PLATES
ON TOP THAT WERE ALL TIN CANNED-- THEY'RE CALLED TIN CAN
WHERE THEY'RE WAVY BECAUSE THE HEAT MAKES THEM EXPAND AND
CONTRACT.
I SAID WHY DIDN'T YOU PAINT THE STEEL?"
>> Stephen: DOES TRUMP THINK AN ATTRACTIVE WALL WOULD BE MORE
EFFECTIVE?
(AS IMMIGRANT)
AMERICA.
OH, WAIT, WE CAN'T CLIMB IT.
IT'S GORGEOUS!
IT WOULD BE A SIN.
GET DOWN!"
I SWOOND.
I SWOOND THERE FOR A MINUTE.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: SO, YEAH, TRUMP IS GETTING A VERY SMALL AMOUNT OF
WHAT HE ASKED FOR.
BUT REMEMBER, NANCY PELOSI SAID THIS:
>> WE'RE NOT DOING A WALL!
DOES ANYBODY HAVE ANY DOUBT THAT WE'RE NOT DOING A WALL.
>> Stephen: MADAME SPEAKER, I HAVE ONE DOUBT.
YOU JUST AGREED TO DO SOME WALL.
I KNOW IT'S ONLY 55 MILES, BUT TRUMP'S BEEN KNOWN TO MAKE VERY
LITTLE MATERIAL LOOK LIKE IT'S COVERING A LARGE AREA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JUST...
BUT TRUMP BELIEVES HE CAN FUND THE REST OF HIS WALL WITHOUT
CONGRESS USING SOME FANCY ACCOUNTING TRICKS.
>> WE'RE SUPPLEMENTING THINGS AND MOVING THINGS AROUND, AND
WE'RE DOING THINGS THAT ARE FANTASTIC, AND TAKING FROM FAR
LESS-- REALLY, FROM FAR LESS IMPORTANT AREAS.
>> Stephen: AND ACCORDING TO THE WHITE HOUSE, THOSE FAR LESS
IMPORTANT AREAS ARE:DISASTER RELIEF FUNDS INTENDED FOR
CALIFORNIA AND PUERTO RICO.
( BOOING ) SO, TRUMP'S PLAN IS TO DIVERT
FUNDS FROM ACTUAL DISASTERS IN ORDER TO PREVENT A FICTIONAL
ONE.
THAT'S LIKE PULLING COPS OFF A BANK ROBBERY BECAUSE YOU NEED
ALL HANDS ON DECK AT NAKATOMI PLAZA.
BRUCE WILLIS AND THE DAD FROM "FAMILY MATTERS" NEED BACK-UP!
THEY'RE DYING HARD OVER THERE!
IT'S CHRISTMAS!
AND HE HAS NO SHOES!