(air whooshing)
- So, Penny tells me you're working as a waitress
to put yourself through grad school.
That's pretty great.
What are you studying?
- Microbiology.
- Oh, cool.
So you could study me.
(audience laughing)
- I don't understand.
(audience laughing)
- Microbiology is the study of tiny living things.
- I know I'm studying it.
(audience laughing)
- And I said you could study me
'cause I'm a tiny living thing.
(audience laughing)
It's a joke.
- Are you sure?
(audience laughing)
- Do you like science fiction?
- No.
- Role-playing games?
- Like in the bedroom or like Dungeons and Dragons?
(audience laughing)
- Either.
- No.
(audience laughing)
- [Howard] Do you like-
- It's gonna be a long night.
- Yeah, well, it's your fault.
- I had to ask; you didn't have to say yes.
(audience laughing)
- You like magic?
- Not really. - Okay.
(audience laughing)
- Long, long night.
(audience laughing)
(air whooshing)
- How about computers? Do you like computers?
- I use them.
I don't like them.
(audience laughing)
- Okay. Puppies, where do you stand on puppies?
(audience laughing)
- A puppy once bit my face.
(audience laughing)
- Of course it did.
(audience laughing)
- How about that? Einstein was wrong.
- What?
- Approaching the speed of light doesn't slow down time;
approaching them does.
(audience laughing)
(phone ringing)
- Excuse me.
Ugh, damn, it's my mother.
- Are you going to answer it?
- I'm torn.
She might be dying.
You know, wouldn't wanna miss that.
(audience laughing)
On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail,
I could play it over and over.
(audience laughing)
- I know how you feel.
My mother makes me crazy.
- Not as crazy as my mother makes me.
- Oh yeah?
Does your mother call you every day at work
to see if you've had a healthy lunch?
- My mother calls me at work
to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.
(audience laughing)
- Okay, well, does she lay out your clothes
for you in the morning like you're nine years old?
- You live with your mother?
- No, that's the sad part.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, okay. Check this out.
My mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten
so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children.
(audience laughing)
- That's nothing.
I couldn't ride a bicycle 'cause my mother was afraid
I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, wow. You didn't, did you?
- Not on a bicycle.
In a Camry.
(audience laughing)
- Corolla.
(audience laughing)
More wine? - I'd love some.
- Listen, you have to come to Shabbat dinner
at my house sometime.
- Why?
- A Catholic girl like you wearing a big cross like that
might just give my mother the big brain aneurism
I've been hoping for.
(audience laughing)
- Okay, but only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house
wearing a yarmulke.
- It's a date.
(audience laughing) (glasses clinking)
- Am I a matchmaker, or what?
(audience laughing)