Daniel Goleman argues that Iq isn't everything our current view of intelligence is too narrow
Ignoring important abilities that determine how well we do in life the superior metric that [Goldman] prefers to use to measure life success is
Eq otherwise known as
Emotional intelligence it's made up of these five things
Number one self-awareness, this is knowing one's emotions as they happen if you can do this you'll make better decisions
number two managing emotions
This is [the] ability to handle feelings people [that] can manage their emotions are good at bouncing back from the setbacks in life
number three self motivation
Number four Empathy this is recognizing emotions and others
this is [the] people skill that makes people better at teaching sales and Management and
Loss of all handling relationships these abilities lead to popularity leadership and interpersonal effectiveness
So how do we improve our emotional intelligence?
Golemon offers various insights throughout the book. I'll go over the ones that I found the most useful and I think you will [too]
Lesson one the ventilation fallacy venting when you're angry prolongs your mood rather than ending it
government tells of a story where he's in New York
And he hops in a cab the impatient cab driver honks the horn [signalling] a young man to move out the way
The young man flips a bird [so] the cab driver yells back your son of a bitch
Followed by revving the engine loudly out of anger as a cab takes off the driver then says you
[can't] take shit from anyone you gotta yell back at least it makes you feel better
contrary to popular belief
Government along with findings from multiple studies argues that venting your anger doesn't make you feel better
But instead prolongs and amplifies your anger it
Pumps up the emotional Brain's arousal and leaves people feeling more angry don't get confused though
Venting when you're sad can be a great way to get your feelings validated, but isn't as effective when you're angry
so when you feel yourself becoming angry what can you do to control your Anger [a]
Take a few deep breaths to help you relax and slow your heart rate this helps your body go from a high arousal
To a low arousal state b. Go for a walk, but don't indulge and anger inducing thought
C as bad thoughts come to you write them down and then reframe them
For example if your spouse gets upset at you and storms out the room instead of thinking
Oh, she's so cranky all the time for no reason [it] drives me nuts
Write down that thought and reframe it to maybe she's just had a bad day at work
lesson two don't Ruin a
20 L. [Finn's] Ted A
[Saleswoman] gets depressed and spent so many hours worrying about it that she doesn't get around to important sales calls her sales
Linda [Klein] making her feel like a failure which feeds her depression
but if she reacted to depression by trying to distract herself
She might well plunge into the sales calls as a way to get her mind off the sadness
Sales would be less likely to decline and the very experience of making a sale might boost their self confidence
Lessening their depression somewhat
What goldman is trying to say here? Is that continuing to think negative thoughts will lead you deeper into sadness
Distractions are what break the chain of sadness maintaining thinking the best distractions are ones that will shift your [moods] such as a funny movie
Reading an uplifting book or going to an exciting sport event
He says distractions are more effective than crying because crying often reinforces rumination and prolongs misery
[Goldman] offers for more solutions to managing sadness all right here are some goodies a
Aerobic exercise is good because it changes your physiological state
Depression is a low arousal state an aerobic exercise counters up by putting you into a high arousal state
B go for that easy success. Do that small tasks that you've been putting off for a while and reap the rewards
C
reframe the situation
Just [like] with anger take note of bad thoughts when they come to you and see them in a more positive light
I can resonate with his strategy which helped me after my first relationship ended
I had a lot of negative thoughts like life will never be the same without her
After seven months. I finally [accepted] that the relationship was over and if I continued to grieve, I would surely get nowhere
so instead I thought okay that
Relationship wasn't so great. What can I learn [from] it?
This was a massive turning point in my life, and now in a new relationship and things are going great
Something that never would have happened if I didn't change my thinking
Lastly help others in need it helps us empathize with others and lifts us out of negativity
Okay, next up. This is one. I really like here. We go lesson three the artful Critique how to criticize the right way
Criticism is important in how it is given it
Determines how satisfied [people] are with their work with those when they work with and those who are responsible?
one of the worst
Criticisms if you're managing people is to say you're screwing up delivered in a harsh sarcastic angry tone
It provides neither a chance to respond nor any suggestion of how to do things better
it ignores the person's feelings and leaves them feeling helpless and Angry a
Much more effective way to criticize would be to say the main difficulty at this stage
Is that your plan will take too long and [so] escalate costs, I'd like you to think more about your proposal especially the design
Specifications for your software development to see if you can figure out a way [to] do the same job more quickly
This gives them. Hope of doing better and suggests the beginning of a plan to do so
[golemon] says you need four things [to] successfully deliver constructive criticism
They are be specific offer a solution do it face to [face] and be sensitive by showing empathy
lesson [for] emotional Contagion set the emotional tone
So in a simple experiment two volunteers filled out a checklist about their merits at the moment and then start facing each other quietly
Waiting for the experimenters to return to the room two minutes later
She returned and asked [him] to fill out the mood checklist again the pair's were purposely chosen
so that one partner was highly expressive of emotion and one who appeared flat and
expressionless
It turns out that the mood of the expressive person had been transferred to the expressionless person
This is an example of emotional contagion our emotions are contagious like a virus they spread through others
This is why speakers like [tony] [robbins] are able to hype up their audience and get them involved
They show their passion and energy which spreads through the audience like wildfire
Goldman says this ability to drive the emotional state and another person through emotional contagion is at the heart of
influencing people whether that's through speaking teaching singing or in any other interpersonal communication
you