- How important is sex to men?
Is it actually that important
when it comes to relationships?
The answer may surprise you.
This is exactly what we're talking about today.
Check it out.
(dramatic music)
Hey there, this is Mat Boggs, and I am the founder
of the Love and Relationships Division here
at the Brave Thinking Institute
where our mission is empowering you to create
and live a life you love.
And that includes your love life.
So if you like this video,
I encourage you to click the little subscribe button
and click the little bell
because every week we bring you videos to empower you
in your love life.
And today we're talking
about how important is sex in a relationship to men?
Is it really that important?
And I think this answer might surprise you.
Yes, it is that important, but it's not the ultimate thing
that's important to a man in a relationship.
So of course you probably know
that sex is important to a man,
but here's what is surprising,
that there is actually something that's far more important
to a man than sex.
Do you know what it is?
Could you imagine?
What is it that's more important to a man than sex
in a relationship because you have heard me say
before that the only thing that separates a romantic
passionate relationship from a friendship is sex.
So what could be more important than sex in a relationship?
Well, here it is.
It's respect.
Respect is more important than sex.
Well, how could you make that determination?
Because over time, if a man isn't respected,
if he doesn't feel respected in a relationship
he won't even be able to get it up to have sex.
A man disrespected over time will become impotent.
He won't even be able to get it up.
When I interviewed America's greatest marriages
and travel over 12,000 miles interviewing
over 300 couples asking them what are the most
important qualities for a lifelong marriage,
a lifelong, passionate relationship,
they did talk about sex,
but the number one thing above all was respect.
And when I heard that in my late twenties,
that was important information,
but I didn't know how to use that,
say, well, okay, well, how do I,
how do you show respect for one another?
How do you actually cultivate respect for one another?
And if you naturally respect one another,
it's easy, because they're doing things
that naturally conjure up that feeling.
But what if you don't respect somebody naturally?
What if you kind of feel like that's lacking
'cause that's the big question mark.
What if I don't really respect my man all that much?
Well, one question is, well, why are you with him
if you don't respect him,
but it's not as cut and dry in that, is it?
It's not as black and white because there's probably,
there are situations where there,
you love a lot about this, man.
You might be married to him.
And over time he's fallen into habits
and things that they're aspects that you don't respect.
So how do you develop that feeling of respect?
Well, level one is respect is developed over several
really powerful practices.
Number one is the practice of making and keeping agreements.
So when you say you're gonna do something
and then you do it.
He says he's gonna do something and he does it.
Even small little things.
He says he's gonna pick you up
at six o'clock and he shows up ready at six o'clock.
You said you're gonna leave at a particular time
and he shows up.
Don't cast those aside as unimportant as,
oh, they should happen.
Pay attention to those.
Fuel those, mark those moments down as, oh, this is great.
This deserves respect.
This is amazing.
So respecting each other's time is really step number two
and not just respecting the agreements that you make
with one another, but respecting each other's time
as valuable and how you're choosing to use your time.
So he might be choosing to use
his time differently than you,
showing respect would mean not labeling it bad
just because it's different or unproductive
just 'cause it's different.
Even if he's on the couch, watching sports
if it's free time, if it's time
that he is able to do what he would love in that moment,
just like you've got time,
you're able to do what you would love.
Respecting those times helps build the connection
of the relationship.
My wife, when I'd be working, she would call me
and she got into this habit of calling me
during work and I'd pick up the phone
and she would be like, hey babe, I hate to bother you,
but I've got this question about the kids or whatnot.
And I would tell her, look, baby,
if I'm picking up the phone, I'm clearly not in a meeting.
If I'm picking up the phone
you are never bothering me by calling me at work.
Anytime I get a call from you, that is a blessing.
You are blessing me when you call me.
And so she started to call me
on the phone and she looked and she would say,
"Hey babe, I hate to bless you right now,
but I've got a question."
I went laughing.
And, but here's what it did.
It showed that she values my time.
She values how I'm choosing to use my time
the same way that I do hers.
If she's working on a project or whatever,
I'll say, hey can I talk to you right now?
Is this a good time?
And she'll say, no, I need to finish this.
And I'd come back later.
And step number three in cultivating respect,
and I love this one because like I said before,
respect isn't always a natural thing to be able to grow
if you don't know how.
But this is a magic move that you can make.
And that is in the mornings,
when you, if you wanna build the respect feeling
between you and your man, in the mornings,
get up and immediately think
about three things that you admire about him.
There might be things that you wish were different,
but what are three things that you admire
and are grateful for because of him.
You admire the way he's determined
and focused with his work.
You admire the way that he prioritizes his health.
Perhaps you admire the way,
all the different things that you admire,
what are at least three every morning that you admire.
And then put those in the top of your mind.
The reason you do it in the morning
is because it puts you in a different state for your day.
Your whole morning is gonna be different.
Your affection, your affinity for him, your connection
with him through the whole morning process is different.
That puts him on a different track for that day.
That puts the connection for the two
of you on a different track for that day.
And then at night, as you're going
to bed share with him minimum one,
but up to three things here that you appreciate
about him from that day.
This is such a beautiful process
for not only building connection
between the two of you,
but the natural byproduct of something that you admire
and appreciate is you begin to build respect for that thing.
And so in the beginning, you will notice
that your mind will want to say, well, you appreciate this
but what about this, this, this, this, this?
And what that shows you,
you've got a habit of looking
at all the things that are wrong,
all the ways he doesn't measure up,
and all the ways he's falling short.
No wonder you don't respect him,
if that's what you're focused on.
Really what you're focused on the question is either
do you want to be in the relationship or not?
If you want to be in the relationship
then you've got the power to change it from the inside out
by focusing on what you respect,
focusing on what you admire,
focusing on what you appreciate.
And you'll notice something amazing.
Your whole energy will expand.
Your heart will soften.
Your heart will open
and you will give love more freely to him.
And here's what will be the amazing thing.
Relationships either spiral upward or they spiral downward.
As you open up, soften your heart and share love with him.
Through that love and appreciation and admiration,
he will then turn around
and give that same kind of love back to you.
He will then be more attentive.
He will want to pour energy
on you and the whole relationship will spiral upward
which then what's the next byproduct of that?
Often you connect physically.
It's sex.
When people feel loved, when people feel cherished,
when people feel respected and when people feel connected,
the natural effect byproduct of that is passion.
And you start to get turned on by each other
and you want to have sex with one another
and the whole relationship levels up from there.
So my challenge to you is in the mornings
think about what you admire about your man.
In the evenings before you're going to bed,
share that with him and just watch the connection
between the two of you build.
My question for you is when you want to grow respect
for someone internally without having them change,
what's your practice?
What's your process?
What really works for you?
I appreciate you.
Here is to your amazing love life.
Thanks for watching.
I'll see you soon.
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