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How long do the fans expect me to be on break, huh?
Why is it about y'all?
What about me?
Am I not allowed to have a life?
"Office Hours" is anti-black.
I was-- it was, like, too long.
Maybe two weeks in, and I was, like,
damn, I miss doing the show. It was cool.
I went to Hawaii, which a lot of people
don't know is part of the United States.
Shout out to everyone whose wedding I went to,
because I stayed at a resort where people get married.
So I would just get drunk and just be at people's weddings.
Some of them knew who I was, and other people was just,
like, yo, is that Charlamagne?
People don't realize I have a show on Showtime,
and they think-- they're like, oh,
you from "The Breakfast Club."
And I don't know if they're talking about our appearance
on "The Breakfast Club," or they think I'm Charlamagne or--
White people.
Do you know you can't steal sand from Hawaii?
Like, it's a felony.
You could get in a lot of trouble.
You're only allowed to come back with sand
on the bottom of your shoes and the sand on your clothing.
If you come with a canister of sand, you will be arrested.
Ooh, the Yankee's 27 rings, bro.
I've seen Yankee wins, but I've seen
a lot of the Yankee playoff loses,
so I'm just kind of chilling.
I'm not going to get cocky and, like, start talking
about we're going to win.
The best thing you can eat at Yankee Stadium
is the Lobel Steak Sandwiches.
Woof, it's so good.
If you can't get that, uh, go to the Delta Lounge-- plug, plug--
and you want to get the Premium Burger they have.
Get it from the black guy with the gold tooth.
I'm not even kidding.
He looks mean, but he's super nice once he gets to know you.
And he's going to hook your shit up.
And he always, like, yo, I fuck with the show,
but then he doesn't smile. But then you get the same thing.
Now you're in Yankee Stadium.
You got to take a wild shit 'cause the cheese.
And now you're going to miss, like, Aaron Judge at-bat,
'cause you're in the bathroom, like, [IMITATES FART]..
But in the Delta lounge, the bathrooms,
they have TVs above the urinals 'cause it's classy.
In the other regular seats, you don't even
have dividers at the urinal.
You see how classless it is. - The urinal.
Mm-hmm.
And then if you sit behind home plate,
they got a guy that shakes your dick after you pee.
Yeah, it's not that wild.
It's not that wild.
That's England.
England is-- England is--
I once went to a bar-- when I was on punishment
as a teenager, I once went to a bar in England
where right underneath the bar was
the urinal, that you could pee and you
didn't have to leave the bar.
Like, it was on the way to Birmingham, 'cause I was--
my parents wanted to teach me a lesson.
I wasn't allowed to travel between towns in England
by plane, so I had to take coach buses.
So sometimes I'd be on coach buses
for almost like eight hours, just miserable
and plotting on killing my parents
when I got back to America.
Right?
Just on a bus-- they're just mad and cheap and shit.
I was, like, what? I wasn't like--
I was, like, I wasn't that bad.
I was.
I was bad, so I learned my lesson.
You wake up in Birmingham, England, you're like, ugh.
Every day in Birmingham, England, it's gray skies.
You just want to slit your wrists.
Mm-hmm.
They sent me there for like a whole summer.
They was just moving me, 'cause we were wildin' in the Bronx.
So they sent me, and I stayed in Birmingham.
I stayed in Manchester, Hickam, and Brixton.
Yeah, Brixton, and-- yeah.
I was living that Top Boy life.
And [INAUDIBLE], shout out to Top Boy,
hope you guys all watching it.
It's really good, right?
It's basically "The Wire" with a British accent.
Like, fuck with it.
They even stole-- they're, like, oh, "The Wire" got a lesbian?
We got a lesbian.
I was, like, oh, shit.
My cousin came over from England,
and she didn't want to go out, 'cause
she was, like, she doesn't want to get
caught in a mass shooting.
And I was, like, what the fuck you talking about?
And she was like, no, it's something to be afraid of.
And I was, like, yeah.
She was lit.
It was, like, we was trying to go to brunch.
Like, sometimes got to risk that.
You know, that's our new reality.
Listen, the fucking-- the eggs were on point, you know?
Sometimes you got to, you know, risk getting
killed to get some good brunch.
Shout out to Red Rooster.
Rest in peace, Ming the tiger, New York legend.
If y'all don't know, somebody brought a tiger
and raised him in a project apartment,
I think it was back in '03.
And the cops had to come, and they had to, like,
come in through the window to tranquilize the tiger.
And the tiger was, like, gnashing at the window.
And other people in the building knew there was a tiger,
but they just didn't say anything, which is important.
Like, why you snitching?
Like, if I got a tiger, what the fuck that got to do with you?
Why you gonna tell somebody about my business?
People was, like, the tiger was cool.
But apparently, "New York City" says
you can't have a pet tiger.
Oh, they got some in the older projects.
Yeah.
He was living good.
But do you really have five bedrooms
If you live with a tiger?
Like, you just have the bedroom whatever the tiger's not in.
Yeah.
Like, if you're in a common area, and the tiger comes out,
guess what, that's the tiger's area now.
What would be, like, the wildest flex animal
to walk down the street with?
I'm thinking a platypus.
I think a lot of people haven't seen platypuses before,
and they'd be pretty scared by them.
They have the duck bill and like a beaver and a flat tail.
It looks like you know when you play video games
and they don't load properly?
Like, the characters are messed up?
It looks like that kind of thing.
You seen Shorty in the Bronx Zoo?
Jumped in the lion pit.
She was off that sherm.
Whoo!
Do a dance routine, very sad.
Also.
no shout out to the person that recorded it.
If somebody jumps in a lion pit, you keep that fucking
camera phone on that person.
This person's cutting away, looking all around,
doesn't even look back at--
Like, come on, fam, stay on her to see what happens.
And even a little shout out to the lion.
I wasn't getting smoked.
The lion was, like, no, I'm not falling for this shit.
The lion was, like, when you about to hop the subway,
and you see there's three people just standing right there.
One's on the phone and just two looking around.
Like, no, those are cops.
You guys are cops.
That lion was, like, I'm not falling for this shit.
He was, like, so I bite her, and then I get shot?
Mm, nice try, nice try.
You already tricked me into being in the fucking Bronx Zoo.
I live in Mozambique.
I shouldn't even be here.
Is Harambe, like, Selena for lions?
Are animals mad at black people for Harambe?
Because it was a little black kid.
Remember when white people could not
provide-- they were just created, no offense to them,
you know.
They were babies, just came out the test tube.
And they had to get food.
And so the wolves, they would help them hunt
and bring food to the newly created white people.
By the way, at the same time, not only
do we have libraries and schools in Africa.
We also had our first airport.
Anyway, the dogs helped the white people,
and the white people would say, you're good-looking.
We're going to take care of you, where
we turn you from scary wolves into, like, sitting on our lap.
And the wolves was, like, cool.
And that's why they're cool now.
Listen, this is-- it's "Office Hours,"
but I'm here to teach the youth.
So it's back.
You guys happy?
Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
No, "Desus & Mero," we're back, back Mondays and Thursdays,
you know what I'm saying?
All the rumors that our show got canceled, fake news,
lamestream media.
Uh-uh.
Now we're back still covering shit.
We might bring back the Sonic Rings, you know.
And it's not a new season.
It's just a continuation of the last season
to throw you guys off, so update the Wikipedia page.
Yeah, it's been a-- how long we been on hiatus, like, six weeks
now?
Jesus Christ.
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