NOW, OF COURSE, TONIGHT WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE G.O.P. DEBATE.
MAN!
DID YOU GUYS WATCH THAT?
THAT THING WAS WAY TOO LONG.
>> THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID
>> Larry: OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) JEB, STOP IT!
WE'LL GET TO YOU IN A MINUTE, MR. EXCLAMATION POINT.
GO ON!
GET AWAY!
THERE YOU GO.
NOW ONE OF THE COOL THINGS ABOUT HAVING A DEBATE IN THE REAGAN
LIBRARY IS THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S AIR FORCE ONE.
IT'S A VERY IMPRESSIVE PLANE.
WAIT A SECOND.
HOLD ON.
CAN WE ZOOM IN ON SEAT 34B.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TOP-SECRET PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE BOBBY JINDAL!
IS THAT YOU?
GET OUT OF THERE, MAN!
GET OUT OF THERE!
YOU HAD YOUR TIME EARLIER IN THE BABY DEBATE
GET, GET!
ALL RIGHT.
BUT ACTUALLY THERE WERE A LOT OF FUN MOMENTS FOR CNN'S 23 MILLION
VIEWERS.
ONE OF MY FAVORITES WAS THE AWKWARD WHITE GUY MIDDLE EASTERN
NAME PRONUNCIATION.
>> THIS DEAL ON ITS FACE WILL SEND OVER $1 BILLION TO
AYATOLLAH KHAMENEI.
>>COM.
>> AYATOLLAH KHAMENEI.
>> Larry: KHA-ME-NEI.
CALM DOWN, YOU'RE IN THE PRESIDENTIAL DE-BA-TAY
WE GET IT.
WE KNOW THAT'S THE NERDY, CORRECT WAY TO SAY IT, ALL
RIGHT?
BUT THE AMERICAN PE-O-PLEY DON'T CAR-AY
AM I RIGHT, SHARDAY?
THAT NAME MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL.
WHEN IT WASN'T AWKWARD WHITE GUY PRONUNCIATIONS, IT WAS AWKWARD
WHITE GUY LOW-FIVES.
>> I SUGGESTED TO PRESIDENT BUSH THAT HE NOT GO TO WAR, OKAY, SO
I JUST WANT THAT ON THE RECORD.
>> EVER READY, IT'S VERY HIGH ENERGY, DONALD.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Larry: THAT'S IT, OLD WHITE DUDES JUST RUINED LOW-FIVES FOR
THE REST OF US.
ADD IT TO THE LIST, BOYS.
PUT IT RIGHT UNDER SHAKING YOUR THANG.
GONE NOW, GONE.
YOU KNOW WHAT WAS SURPRISING HOW MUCH THEY FOCUSED ON RACE.
>> RACE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Larry: I'M JUST ( BLEEP ).
PLAY THAT AGAIN, DRE.
>> IN THIS RACE.
>> THIS RACE.
>> IN THE RACE.
>> A LONG RACE.
>> THE SPACE RACE.
>> Larry: THAT'S JUST RUBBING IT IN, BEN CARSON.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE SPACE.
ACTUALLY, THERE WAS ZERO MENTION OF RACE.
PRETTY MUCH ZERO.
I THINK RAND PAUL SAID SOMETHING TO...
( LAUGHTER ) I MEAN, THE CLOSEST THING WE GOT
TO BLACK LIVES MATTERING WAS AN HOUR AND A HALF IN WHEN THEY
WERE DISCUSSING MEXICANS BOOING ABLE TO CLAIM BIRTH RIGHTS
CITIZENSHIPS.
>> THE ORIGINAL AUTHOR OF THE 14th AMENDMENT SAID ON THE
SENATE FLOOR THAT THIS WAS APPLYING TO SLAVES AND DID NOT
SPECIFICALLY APPLY TO OTHERS.
>> Larry: SLAVES, NICE.
WE GOT RIGHT IN THERE!
( LAUGHTER ) SO IN OTHER WORDS ONE OF THE
ONLY MENTIONS DURING THIS THREE-HOUR DEBATE OF BROWN
PEOPLE IN AMERICA WAS IN THE CONTEXT OF KEEPING THEM OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) COME ON, G.O.P.
GIVE ME A LOW-FIVE.
MAN.
DAMN, JEB.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THAT SO HARD?
>> THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.
>> Larry: ALL RIGHT, STOP IT.
HE WON'T STOP.
HE'S OUT OF CONTROL.
ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
SO LET'S TALK ABOUT DONALD TRUMP.
HE'S GOT LIKE A RESTING SMUG FACE, DOESN'T HE?
IT'S LIKE HE'S EVEN THINKING EVERYBODY'S A LOSER.
LOSER.
YOU CAN FREEZE FRAME ALMOST ANY IMAGE AND HE HAS THAT LOOK HIS
FACE.
>> DONALD TRUMP WOULD BE CRUS AS PRESIDENT.
HE SAID HE WOULDN'T WANT SUCH A HOT HEAD WITH HIS FINGER ON THE
NUCLEAR CODE.
>> Larry: YOU KNOW WHO HE REMINDS ME OF?
>> THE ALLIED POWERS ARE LOSERS.
OKAY, LOOK, FOR EVERYBODY OUT THERE WHO IS SAYING, "LARRY, ARE
YOU REALLY COMPARING TRUMP TO MUSSOLINI?"
YES, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I JUST DID.
I DID THAT.
IT WAS KIND OF FUN, ACTUALLY.
BUT TRUMP IS AMAZING TO ME.
TRUMP DOESN'T WASTE ANY TIME IN BEING A DICK.
IN THE VERY FIRST QUESTION WHEN HE WAS ASKED TO RESPOND TO
SOMETHING CARLY FIORINA SAID ABOUT TRUMP HAVING TO ACCESS
NUCLEAR CODES, THIS IS HOW HE ARE ANSWERED.
>> RAND PAUL SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ON THIS STAGE.
HE'S NUMBER 11.
>> Larry: WHAT!
UM, LITTLE SUGGESTION, IF I MAY.
WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO HAVE
ACCESS TO THE BUTTONS OF OUR NUCLEAR ARSENAL, YOUR ANSWER
SHOULD NOT BE TO RANDOMLY ATTACK SOMEONE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MOVES LIKE THAT SORT OF MADE ME
SUSPICIOUS THAT TRUMP MIGHT SLIP OUT OF THE LEAD.
I DON'T KNOW.
AND I FELT LIKE THE OVERALL TAKEAWAY WAS IN SOMEONE ELSE'S
FAVOR.
>> THE POLITICAL ANALYSTS SEEMED TO AGREE THAT CARLY FIORINA WON
THE DEBATE.
>> OBVIOUSLY, CARLY FIORINA WAS THE BIG WINNER.
>> IT WAS CARLY FIORINA WHO RAN AWAY WITH THE HEADLINES.
>> GRETCHEN, WHO WON?
>> CARLY FIORINA.
>> HANDS DOWN.
>> Larry: WOW, THAT'S RIGHT, A LADY TAKING DOWN ALL THOSE MEN
IN THE GRAND OLD PARTY.
WOW!
THAT WAS A GREAT MOMENT FOR WOMEN.
RIGHT?
>> I'D LIKE TO LINK THESE TWO ISSUES, BOTH OF WHICH ARE
INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT-- IRAN AND PLANNED PARENTHOOD.
( APPLAUSE )
LINK TWO ISSUES ( BLEEP ) AND YOUR AGENDA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
CARLY, I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GET BEHIND YOU.
YOU DID SAY YOU WANTED YOUR SECRET SERVICE CODE NAME TO BE
SECRETARIAT.
RIGHT?
I ASSUMED YOU'D TAKE US TO THE FINISH LINE, BUT IT APPEARS YOUR
FINISH LINE IS TO GET RID OF PLANNED PARENTHOOD, AND WHAT IS
YOUR REASONING?
>> I DARE HILLARY CLINTON, BARACK OBAMA, TO WATCH THESE
TAPES, WATCH A FULLY FORMED FETUS ON THE TABLE, ITS HEART
BEATING, ITS LEGS KICKING WHILE SOMEONE SAYS, "WE HAVE TO KEEP
IT ALIVE TO HARVEST ITS BRAIN."
>> Larry: I'LL TELL YOU, THAT STATEMENT IS BOTH HORRIFIC AND
SHOCKING, NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE DETAILS BUT BECAUSE IT SEEMS
TO BE UNTRUE.
>> THERE IS ACTUALLY A SHORT PORTION OF ONE OF THE VIDEOTAPES
THAT DOES SHOW A FETUS, LOOKS KIND OF LIKE THAT'S WHAT'S GOING
ON.
BUT IT IS EDITED IN AND NO PROOF OR ANY WAY TO ASCERTAIN THIS HAD
ANYTHING TO DO WITH PLANNED PARENTHOOD.
>> Larry: LOOK, WORD TO REPUBLICANS -- STOP BULLYING
PLANNED PARENTHOOD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PLANNED PARENTHOOD PROVIDES
SERVICES FOR MILLIONS OF WOMEN WHO NEED THEM.
IT'S NOT JUST ABORTIONS.
YES, ABORTIONS ARE A VERY CONTROVERSIAL ISSUE, BUT ONLY 3%
OF PLANNED PARENTHOOD'S SERVICES ARE ABORTIONS AND 0% OF FEDERAL
FUNDING PAYS FOR THEM.
SO DEFUNDING THEM STOPS VERY FEW ABORTIONS BUT IT STOPS A
RIDICULOUSLY LARGE NUMBER OF EVERYDAY WOMEN'S HEALTH
SERVICES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I MEAN, THE MEDIA DECLARED CARLY
FIORINA THE WINNER LAST NIGHT.
BUT THE IRONY IS THAT THE ONE WOMAN WHO WON MAY MAKE IT
POSSIBLE FOR A LOT OF WOMEN TO LOSE.