Hi, everybody.
Everyone's buzzing about the vaccine.
You know, when I got my first vaccine as a kid,
it was for,
I don't even know what.
But if you're older, you have 'em.
And it was a welt.
It was like you got burned with a soldering iron.
I don't know how they put 'em on you,
but it's like (makes drilling sound).
Because on your arm you have a full scar, this big.
They really didn't have it down back then.
And I have to get it removed
so people don't know I'm old.
I went to Dr. Scar-off.
But there's also offshoot viruses.
And this is kind of interesting because at first
we had heard, everybody in the world heard,
it started in Wuhan, China.
And it got a bad rap.
But we don't say that anymore.
But they don't care about
saying the new Brazilian strain.
The South African strain, and South Africa is like,
"Hey, woo!
That's our stage name,
like let's-- that just means 'Africa-ish.'
Just say nothing.
Just fucking don't bring our name up."
Because it has a negative feel.
Speaking of viruses, there was a stalker.
I've had stalkers in the past.
Pete Davidson had a stalker, I saw on the Yahoo News.
And they're out there.
And I would say, don't come to the house.
That's all.
I see people out in the world, I talk to 'em,
but the house, I had a really bad one years ago.
And then last year-ish,
someone climbed the fence, came in the house.
I don't like people in my house that I know.
So I, for sure, don't like the people that I don't know.
And they went to jail, and then the other day,
another one.
Some burnout, looked like the skinny Lebowski.
He looked like-- I thought it was Jake...
fuck, who'd I say I thought it was?
- Busey! - Jake Busey, from PCU.
And he's ringing my door, I'm like, "Hello?"
But I was in Arizona.
And he's like, "Oh, man!"
And he goes, "Hey, I got an idea."
I go, "Oh, and he's pitching me over the thing?"
And then I realized
I didn't know him, and he wasn't a worker.
He said-- I go, "Oh, what's your idea?"
He's like, "My idea is you're in Arizona
so I'm gonna break into your house."
And I was like, "Oh, I thought it might be a sitcom..."
and then he said he's into Phish, Dead...
And I found out he was just into dead fish.
Oh, bop beep bop boop boo.
That doesn't count as a joke, does it?
Let's go to the phones.
Nope.
(choir vocalizes)
All right.
I had something else to tell you,
instead of the perp sitting at my door.
Let's just keep it moving.
Folks, I'm wearing my nice watch
'cause I can't wear it outside anymore.
'Cause everyone's robbing everyone in L.A.
Welcome!
Kylie Jenner-- speaking of rich...
Kylie Jenner took heat from fans
after asking for GoFundMe donations
for her makeup artist's brain surgery.
Fans are like, we could do that
or we could raise the 60 grand
by auctioning off one of your scrunchies.
Now that's
an okay joke, it's fine.
I actually, I think, wrote it.
Or she could sell her lack of awareness as an NFT.
Lingo!
New lingo.
(crowd jeers)
Yeah, she was so embarrassed,
and in an attempt to hide,
she covered her whole body in concealer.
That's a winner.
(bowling strike)
Concealer, it's too good.
These people don't deserve it.
It's 'cause it's free.
Versions of the lawn chairs in the Oprah
and Meg Markle interview sold out in 48 hours.
"Oprah was crushing it in the interview,"
said the lawn chair.
Said Oprah's lawn chair.
I know, that better not be a fat joke.
Is it?
Are they trying to get that one past me?
Seth Rogan's new weed website stopped working
after thousands of people tried to use it.
First of all, it feels like a website
should've handled thousands.
Not millions. Thousands.
The weed was like, "What's the rush?
Relax, everyone's being so weird.
Just like, click on it. We'll figure it out."
Stupid one.
Footage leaked of Aaron Carter training
for his boxing match against Lamar Odom,
which I had no idea about.
He's been training by practicing
depositing money into his bank account.
I don't totally get that joke.
But this is the guy that whacked off on OnlyFans.
Is it not?
I used to pick on Aaron Carter.
I'm not, I'm just saying.
Do you know this, Heather?
Mm-mm.
He did one of those things where you pay,
and I think, fucking Google.
(makes fast typing sound)
And he whacked off
and then he got paid a lot of money.
He made a lot of money, like a couple hundred grand.
So, I was thinking I could maybe do that.
I would do it,
I could probably do that once a week.
How about twice?
I'm not some superhero, Heather.
No one's ever done it twice in one week.
♪Ha!♪
(crowd exclaims)
Yeah!
Come on now.
Oh, speaking of whacking off.
The Italian soccer team Inter Milan
was offered $27 million to wear
a porn site logo on their jerseys.
They don't need it.
I think about masturbating enough when I watch soccer.
I don't need to add that. That's too much.
'Cause then it'll...
Got away with the two whack-off jokes.
Check.
A United Airlines flight was grounded
after a man allegedly bit off another passenger's ear.
(gagging)
That kinda sounded like it.
The guy's pretty messed up.
He got emotional in court
when they said the word "hearing."
That's a trigger word for a guy in that position.
You can imagine...
"Hearing?"
Everything's a trigger in this fucking world.
Can't say fucking shit these days.
This has been my age coming out.
A new study shows.
Bop beep boop bop boo.
[Umpire] You're out!
A new study shows penis sizes are shrinking
due to environmental pollution.
Oh my God, keep these excuses coming, science.
We need all we can.
There's garbage in the street.
(sad trombone)
Can smog affect your hog?
We'll find out at 11.
Let's check the weather!