Hey, guys. Candice, we got Bert,
we got Steve here, ready to head into it.
Uh, Bert, you have lost a little weight. You look great.
-I do. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah. -Ooh.
-(applause, cheering) -You do, buddy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks. Thanks.
-SPADE: He said it couldn't be done. -I'm putting it back on.
-I'm putting it back on. -It's an experiment. It's for...
Uh, I heard it's for a movie you're reading for?
-No. -(laughter)
Movie?
I shaved my chest for this movie I'm writing.
So, NFL...
NFL Network reporter Jane Slater says
her ex-boyfriend-- get this--
got her a Fitbit for Christmas,
but when she synched hers up to his,
she realized his heart rate was spiking at 4:00 a.m.
-when they weren't together. -(groaning)
She did some relatively easy math,
and, uh, realized he was either taking a spin class
-or railing some other dude. -(laughter)
Some other chick.
-What'd I say? -KREISCHER: Some other dude.
-Oh! Well, any... -That's Freudian.
-Yeah. Whoa. -Yeah. Freudian.
-It was a rookie mistake. -A rookie mistake.
I have... I've been wearing, uh, fitness trackers.
You can tell when I jacked off today.
-(laughter) -SPADE: As he casually pulls out...
-I'm not even joking. -THOMPSON: We're good.
-We're good, Bert. -SPADE: 'Cause there's gizz on my phone.
Try to guess what hour.
(laughter)
(cheering, applause)
Dude, I'm being serious. You can totally find out.
When that happens, it spikes. It does.
Is that when you jerked off in the Waffle House?
(laughter)
Oh, these pancakes look good!
I don't like this at all.
I don't... I don't want this catching on.
We don't need a lot of women running around
playing dick-tective.
-(laughter) -SPADE: We do not.
That Peloton husband's looking pretty good right now, huh?
-Yeah. -You guys jumped on his ass real quick.
-Yes, Candice? -Well, I don't like...
well, first of all, any guy that wears a Fitbit
while he's having sex probably keeps his socks on
-while he's having sex. -(laughter)
Which is an immediate turn-off in itself.
But this actually gave me an idea for a sex Fitbit,
which actually just counts how many times
you can make your partner climax.
I think that's a... that's a...
-(cheering, applause) -Guys, just...
-That's a good idea. -Couple of guys from Shark Tank here.
-That's a good idea. -Nodding your head.
Yeah, I don't need to count zero.
-(laughter) -Yeah. Every guy's like,
"Wait, I think mine's broken."
KREISCHER: I'm married. Who cares?
-Yeah, that's right! -What's she gonna do, divorce me?
That's a lot of paperwork for bad sex.
(laughter)
(applause)
-Get her a Clitbit. Clitbit. -Clitbit. Clitbit.
Shark Tank guys? Nodding their heads. Okay.
THOMPSON: Don't take my idea.
Uh, the next subject is Cardi B.
She says her and her husband Offset
got over his cheating by inviting priests to their home
to talk through it.
They were like, "Don't cheat on your wife.
"Why are we here?
This could have been handled in an e-mail."
I went to an all-boys Catholic high school.
I can say without a doubt,
every priest is just a clo... closeted pedophile.
-Am I right, Steve? -(sputters)
My brother's a priest-- that's why he said that.
SPADE: You've been on both ends of it, yeah.
-I'll tell you... -I've been working on that all day!
(laughter)
I've been sitting on that all day!
I'm, like, going: I can't wait to see the look on his face.
And then I had to check to see if his brother's still a priest.
I was like: Hey, you're brother's still a priest, right?
And he's like: Huh?
I was like...
Is that what you were thinking about
-while you were masturbating? -(laughter)
There you go, Bert.
That's how you spice up your life.
(whooping, applause)
Yes, Steve?
Yeah, they did an exorcism on his penis.
They did. That's what they did, yeah.
And they sucked the demons right out.
Yeah, a priest... priest said that to me in school
-and... -(sputters)
-A molestation joke. -It's all right. -SPADE: Right.
Well, this is not shocking to me at all.
Rappers turn to religion all the time,
even though it conflicts with their current lifestyle.
Like, rappers will just murder somebody
and then go on stage like, "I want to thank my (bleep) God.
(laughter)
For all this abundance of hos that I got."
How do they not have video
of this whole priest- Cardi B-Offset interaction?
Like, what was it like? Was she sitting on his lap
in the confessional, and the priest was wearing,
-like, a bedazzled collar or something? -(laughter)
Where's the Instagram Live when you need it?
-You think it was a white priest? -They had him...
-Uh, no. -That's all you got in the States.
You only get black priests in, like, Uganda
-and, like, Sierra Leone. -Yeah, I've never seen a...
No one's been to church in a while, apparently, huh?
-(laughter) -Yeah. -It's called privilege.
-Anyway... -Yeah.
I think the priest came in and then she (bleep) him
-and said, "All right, we're even." -(laughter)
I would join a priesthood for that.
We'll end on that one. All right, we'll be right back.