-Here at "Late Night," every night,
I deliver a monologue comprised of jokes
written by a diverse team of writers.
As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk
that, due to my being a straight, white male,
would be difficult for me to deliver.
But we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them,
so we'd like to share them with you now
in a segment we call "Jokes Seth Can't Tell."
♪♪
These are two of our writers, Amber and Jenny.
-I'm Black. -And I'm gay.
-And we're both women.
-And I'm not. So, here's how this works --
I'll read the set-up for these jokes,
and Amber and Jenny will read the punch lines.
Here we go.
According to a recent study,
gay men often deepen their voices
when meeting someone new.
-While lesbians don't have to.
-The Brooklyn Museum recently hired
a white curator of African art.
-So congratulations, Rachel Dolezal!
-According to a recent report, lesbian women
are relatively invisible in movies.
-But I bet you can spot one in "Mulan."
-Oh, wait.
Meghan Markle has allegedly put Prince Harry
on a pre-wedding diet.
-Just what every Black woman wants --
a skinny white man.
-A popular gay website recently posted an article
titled, "What It's Like To Be a Lesbian in the UK."
-Well, for one thing, instead of "lesbians,"
they're called "crisps."
-Wait, then what do they call potato chips?
-Lesbians.
Bet you can't eat just one.
-Jenny!
-A recent study shows that more Black families
are choosing to home school their children.
-Or, as the authorities call it, truancy.
-According to a recent study,
women who have sex with women are much more likely to orgasm.
-So if you want to see lesbians faking it,
check our prom photos.
-So, Jenny, does that mean you took a boy to prom?
-I did. -Why?
-The theme was "Lying to Yourself."
-Ah.
Kendrick Lamar recently became the first rapper
to win a Pulitzer Prize for music.
-And Kanye recently became the first rapper
to win a Pulitzer Prize for [clicks tongue] fooool.
-Amber, that's not nice.
-I'm sorry, you're right. Let's try it again.
-Okay.
Kendrick Lamar recently became the first rapper
to win a Pulitzer Prize for music.
-"Can I hold it?" asked Kanye
about Trump's [bleep]
-Which one of you is gonna take this next one?
-You know what? Neither of us,
'cause we brought a friend to do it.
-Come on out.
-Hey, Michelle Wolf, everybody!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Woo! Welcome back, Michelle!
Welcome back.
-Hello, Jenny. Hello, Amber.
I think got everyone.
-Yeah, okay. All right, you ready?
Here we go, Michelle.
A new study has found
that women shop on Amazon more often than men.
-Because women are more familiar with the concept
of waiting two days to come.
-Michelle!
-I have Prime.
Okay. Let me do another one.
-Okay, but please, Michelle, please make it less dirty.
-Okay.
-Florida police say a fisherman was recently arrested
for splashing water on a group of manatees that were mating.
-Said one female manatee,
"At least somebody finally got me wet."
-Michelle!
That's worse than the first one.
-Hey! -What? They're endangered!
-Seth, why don't you tell one? -Oh, no, you guys, I couldn't.
-No, just one. -Please.
-No, I feel like I'll get in trouble if I tell one.
-Come on. You can do it.
-Okay, if you guys promise to have my back.
-Promise. -Promise
-New York police officers this week helped a Black woman
deliver her baby on the side of the road.
Said police, "Come out with your hands up!"
-Seth, how dare you?! -You told me it would be okay!
-Oh!
-You should be ashamed of yourself!
-That was not in the spirit of the event!
-Lesbians, Black women, and redheads are liars!
♪♪
We'll be back with Michelle Wolf, everybody.