Unknown Speaker 0:07 Do you have a question you have just been dying
to ask a sex therapist and her husband, we decided to start something new here on our channel and
start doing these. Ask a sex therapist episodes. So we get so many questions sent to us every day.
And we decided to start making videos where we do a little deep dive on some of these questions.
Unknown Speaker 0:26 Yeah, we definitely answer tons of
questions on Instagram stories, but you can only say so much in that context. So here on YouTube,
we can explain a little bit more. So if you've got a question you've been dying to ask, Why
don't you leave it down in the comments below, and we might get to it next time we do this series. So
before we get to this week's question, we want to introduce ourselves in case you're brand new. Here
we are Vanessa and Zander Moran, Vanessa here is a sex therapist. I'm a regular dude,
we've been together for 14 years. Also, these are our cute little pugs within the menu.
Unknown Speaker 0:59 And our account is all about giving you the tools,
tips and techniques that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship inside of
the bedroom and out. So if you are interested in that, then go ahead and hit that subscribe button.
Unknown Speaker 1:12 Yes. All right. So
let's get right into it. And here's the question. My husband wants sex every day,
and I could honestly live without it. We now have a compromise of two days a week.
He's still angry on the daily and disrespectful because he says I'm not
intimate enough and he doesn't feel loved, etc. But I'm just not like that lovey dovey anymore.
Unknown Speaker 1:31 Oh, ooh. Okay, so the immediate
thing that jumps out at me with this question is, there's some pretty big red flags here that are
named angry on the daily and disrespectful. So to me, like sometimes people will present questions
like this of like, well, why don't I ever want to have sex with my partner? And I sort of turned the
question around, like, why would you want to have sex with somebody who's being disrespectful of you
and angry with you? Like, that just doesn't sound like a desirable situation and didn't even sound
like a safe situation. It makes me think about how much agency does this woman actually feel about
her own sex life? Like she says they've made this compromise, do it twice a week? But like,
is it is she feeling pressured or guilted into that, because he's being so angry and
disrespectful. So the bottom line is that it absolutely has to be safe. And okay,
in your relationship for either one of you to say no to each other. Like,
we want to be real here. Of course, it doesn't feel good to hear a no from your partner,
like it can bring up feelings of rejection and fear and sadness, and all kinds of stuff. But
that's very different from being angry at your partner and being disrespectful and cruel to them.
studies have even shown that in partnerships where both partners feel okay, saying no, they actually
wind up having way more sex. Interesting. Yeah. So I think it's really important for this couple
to work on making no it completely acceptable response, because to me, there's just no way
that she's going to start feeling wild desire and lovey dovey Ness towards him if he's being angry
to her all the time. So what I would do in this situation is tell her to initiate a conversation
with him at a time when they're both calm and relaxed, and lead with something like, look,
you're important to me, I love you, our sex life is important to me, I want to feel connected,
and I want you to feel loved by me. But the way that we are doing things right now,
it's obviously not working for either one of us. And so I want to talk about how we can give each
other what it is that we need to feel connected to feel that love to each other. So again, you're
like you're really drilling in, like, I hear what is important to you, I respect your needs, I want
to try to find a way to make this work. So leading with that tends to help people like relax and not
get immediately defensive. But I do think that she needs to make it crystal clear to him that his
reactions are not acceptable. And so I would even go into more detail with him. She just said to us
that he's disrespectful and angry. But I would maybe share whatever specific details of like,
you know, at the same time, I really want to make sure that you understand that when you react that
way, like that's not an acceptable reaction to me, it doesn't make me feel safe. It doesn't make it
feel okay for me to say no, you know, something like that. So obviously, this conversation has
the possibility to get tense. And this couple may need to talk to a couples therapist or help them
like have this conversation in a healthy way. But I think he really needs to hear that it's not okay
for him to be responding in that way. And what they could do is to talk about what are different
sorts of ways that he could express feeling sad, or you know, hurt or disappointed because again,
it's okay for him to feel bummed out that they're not connecting as much as he wants to.
Unknown Speaker 4:46
It's totally valid. Yes, just how you show it that really matters.
Unknown Speaker 4:49 Exactly. So he needs to learn different ways and
she could even help him out by sharing something like, you know, if you're feeling disappointed,
it would feel better for me if you phrased it in this way or shared it in This way are
we did this you know give him different ideas of ways to express those feelings.
So bottom line once again is that the way that he's reacting it's not acceptable and it needs
to be okay and safe in their relationship for her to say no once that is in place then I think that
she's naturally going to feel herself feeling a bit more interested in being intimate with him
once he's not being angry and disrespectful of her you might feel that desire to want to connect more
Unknown Speaker 5:27 and hopefully when she
phrases it like this it will feel kind of logical to him like oh, I have been acting in a way that
makes it challenging for my partner to want to be having sex with me at all and so yeah,
even if we have this arrangement and and that we're doing it twice a week, but I would prefer it
more is like if I keep acting like this, I'm going to be getting it less than that which is no good.
Unknown Speaker 5:50 All right, well,
that wraps up our first edition of Ask a sex therapist. Again if you have any questions
that you would love to hear us answer drop them down in the comments below.
Unknown Speaker 5:58 If you liked this video, please give us a thumbs
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so you get notified as soon as you post more videos. Thanks for watching. See you next time.