When I was young, there was a fella,
went by the name of Jacques De Gautier.
(audience laughs)
And he was from Temiscaming, Quebec.
(audience laughs)
And Jacques De Gautier,
he was a fella that really thought.
And he was smart, you know?
He was our hope, I guess.
And he was...
While I was scrambling to get out of high school,
Jacques De Gautino had already...
(audience laughs)
I think you just changed his last name.
(audience laughs)
Well, you know, a man grows.
He...
(audience laughs)
(Conan laughs)
(audience laughs)
But this is the point! Yeah!
Jacques De Gautino, he went to McGill University,
and he got three degrees, by golly.
And he went over across the pond
to the fellers with Cambridge,
and he even stood up to them.
And we thought, "Boy, he's going to be the next."
We had Jean Marchand, Gerald Percier, Pierre Trudeau,
the three wise men of Quebec.
By God, Jacques De Gautino was going to be the next.
He'd be the next guy.
Yeah, but he vanished.
And I met him.
I started to do stand-up and travel, from here to there,
and to here again.
(audience laughs)
And one time I was in Niagara Falls.
And by gosh, I went over to the SeaWorld there.
You know how they have the SeaWorld?
(audience laughs)
You know, with the different fish?
(audience laughs)
You know, the--
I didn't know that.
But okay, yeah, yes.
Beluga- The SeaWorld.
I've been there many a time.
Okay, so I was checking out the beluga whales and stuff,
and I look over.
And who do you think I see?
I hope it's that guy.
No, it was...
(Conan laughs)
It was just an attendant, but...
(audience laughs)
(Conan laughs)
But he showed me to the place I wanted to see,
which is where they feed the little baby dolphins.
'Cause I love dolphins, you know?
And who do I see there, but Jacques De Gautino.
(audience laughs)
And here he is.
He's feeding the baby dolphins.
And I go up to him, and I go,
"Jacques De Gautino, I feel shame for you."
"You were our hope."
"You were to go to Canada..."
"uh, Canada's nation's capitol of Ottawa."
(audience laughs)
"And you were to be a great man, Jacques De Gautino."
"And we were all... "
"We pinned all of..."
"All of Temiscaming, Quebec, pinned our hopes on you."
Now that's a helluva a burden for a man,
to have a town's hope pinned on them.
Isn't it, Conan?
It is a big burden.
So he was feeding these baby dolphins, you know?
And I said, ""I'm ashamed of you, Jacques De Gautino."
"You could have done so many great things."
And he said, "Well," he said,
"I think I'm serving a useful porpoise."
Now, I believe that...
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
No!
(audience laughs)
No!
[Andy] I knew that was gonna happen.
(audience applauds)
I knew that was gonna happen.
You don't encourage that!
(audience laughs)
It's like-- That was a 40-minute story!
(audience laughs)
[Andy] Like somebody-- Useful purpose?
Useful porpoise!
Yes.
Not purpose.
I don't know.
Good God!
I know.
That was way out of line.
That was way...
Who are you to criticize Oscar Pistorius?
(audience laughs)
It's like somebody saying, "I gotta show you something."
Then they take you on a four-mile hike
to show you a dog turd.
(audience laughs)
(Conan laughs)
(audience applauds)
[Andy] Look at him.
Okay.
(Andy laughs)
Well, there's your reel for CBS.
(Andy laughs)
(Norm laughs)
(audience laughs)
We're giving this-- [Andy] Les Moonves.
We're giving this right to Les Moonves. (laughs)
"I gotta have him!"
You wanna see that every night, Les?
(audience laughs)
This guy's got... (laughs)
More Quebecois humor.
(Conan laughs)
(audience laughs)
(Norm laughs)
I love you, I really do.
You know that, right?