-You can't even -- You can't handle the --
You can't handle the applause.
-We're Irish. We don't like that kind of thing. You know that.
-I know. I understand that. -And "New York's funny actor."
What the hell have I ever been a great actor in?
I'm a comedian. Let's just keep it like that.
-Dude, you're on stage. I've seen you act. Theater.
That's acting, right? What do you think that is you're doing?
Yeah. It's a beautiful thing you're doing.
-I almost started off in an argument.
-You already did. You came -- What's your problem?
-My problem is it's a live show. -Yeah.
-So then I'm on a live show. -The debates. It's a big deal.
-I'm excited. And then they say, "Well, get there like 10:45."
I was like, "Oh, so I guess I'll watch part of the debates,
myself alone in my apartment,
and then come and sit in my dressing room."
Like, you could've made this a party atmosphere
with pajamas or pizza. I don't know.
This should've been like a fun, sleepover-night vibe.
-You want me to wear pajamas and watch the debates with you?
-You've changed.
-I would never normally do that.
-No, I knew you when you started at "SNL."
"Hey, guys!" All innocent and happy.
Now look at ya. "Hey, it's at night.
You want me to wear pajamas?"
Yeah, I want you have a little playful attitude.
-[ Laughs ] Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-This is supposed to be a fun night.
-You have not changed at all. You're exactly the same.
-Supposed to be a fun party night.
-What did you think about the party?
-Sitting by myself like an idiot.
-What'd you think of the debates?
Did anyone stick out at all?
-Oh, my G-- Well, first, like you said, Beto O'Rourke was --
When he pulled the Tony Montana.
"I come from the gutter. I know that.
I got nothing but..."
-"Say hello to my little friend."
-[ Laughs ] Yeah.
And I just feel bad for the candidates that nobody --
The guys on the side that no one's gonna notice.
If I was their strategists, for tomorrow night, you know,
you wanna go in so people remember you.
Nobody's gonna remember -- Who's that guy?
What state's he from again?
Like, wearing a tracksuit or something.
Everybody's wearing the same suit and tie.
I like the guy with the tracksuit.
...go with a neck tattoo or something.
-A neck tattoo? Really? Just get people to remember you.
-Smoke.
-Smoke. What are you talking about?
-Everyone's like, "Oh, the guy that smoked."
-"I like the guy that smokes." -He's a rebel.
Everybody else is talking rebellious.
You're sitting there with a cigarette like,
"Yeah, that's your policy? All right."
-That's unbelievable. Come on.
-It's a physical thing, you know?
-It is. But I think --
I liked -- Inslee wore an interesting tie.
He had, like, a teal tie.
The other guys wore the same blue ties.
-Yeah, I don't think it was appropriate, a teal tie.
I don't think they should even be allowed
to make teal ties.
-In general. -In society.
But Miami, I think people are like, you know --
Teal is big down there.
-Yeah. So they kind of went for like --
-Folks, I'm just stretch--
I don't know. I didn't know he was going to bring up teal!
[ Laughter ]
Don't want to pressure you people.
-You see Trump was tweeting.
-If there were pajamas and pizza, they'd be --
-Come on. No one's having pizza or pajamas.
There's no pizza party tonight. I'm sorry, folks.
[ Audience groans ]
But we're all going back to Colin's apartment afterward.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Look under your chairs right now. There's a Joe's Pizza.
-You're not Oprah. You're not Oprah. Okay.
I do like Joe's, though.
Were you tweeting at all during the debates or live tweeting?
Do you do that?
-No, I only tweet to, you know, harass friends of mine.
Yeah. I've been on the end of that stick.
-But, um, I feel Twitter, obviously, social media
is part of our downfall in the sense that we thought --
Here's what I think, why the country is so divided.
'Cause we're disappointed in ourselves.
Because we thought social media was going to elevate us
and make us evolve, and we just use Yelp reviews.
That's what we use our freedom of speech for,
to review --
And freedom of assembly, we just line up for sneakers
outside of a...
-That's our freedom of assembly?
-Yeah. -Oh, my God.
-Freedom of vote -- we just eliminate
ex-football players from "Dancing with the Stars."
Illiteracy. We don't read.
Why do we even care about literacy in this country?
Nobody reads. We just go on YouTube.
Tolstoy probably sold three novels in the last ten years,
and 70 million people have seen a wedding party
fall off a dock into the water.
-I've actually seen that one. -Yes, me too.
-It's pretty funny. -It is kind of funny.
-But you said freedom of speech also, we've taken it too far.
-Yeah, well, freedom of speech
was not that great of an idea when you really think about it.
Because you can name 30 great speeches since the country began.
And so you're right. Freedom of speech works.
There have been five.
Martin Luther King's speech. The John F. Kennedy speech.
And the next three were end-of-the-season monologues
on "The Bachelor."
[ Laughter ]
The guy gives the speech to the girls like,
"With you, I feel like I can be me,
but with her, I feel like I can be the man
I'm supposed to be someday.
And I do see myself with a wife and kids,
and it would only be with you,
but you're so perfect, it scares me.
That's why I'm giving the rose to her,
and I'm sending you home." -That's freedom of speech.
-He goes in the back of the limo.
"I put myself out there!" What did that speech mean?
And they're like, "Don't worry.
We're gonna make you the Bachelorette next season."
[ Laughter ]
-I feel like you do watch that show, though.
-Sadly, I do, yeah. -Yeah, me too. I love it.