Maybe you've felt this or even asked it yourself. How is it even
possible to be a good parent in today's world?
Hi, I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins, I'm a professional psychologist and I've spent most of my career
working with families. Vicki and I started raising our kids over 30 years ago and the world has
changed. There's a lot of forces working against us. Don't worry, you've got this. You can do this.
You just need to understand what your job is and have an important model or tool in your hands that
I'm going to share with you in this video. Let's start with your job and I'll be very clear about
this. You got one job as a parent and it is to love them no matter what and even if. I emphasize
this because a lot of parents get confused and think that their job is to make sure that they
whatever... Make sure that they're on time. Make sure that they do their chores. Make sure that they're
safe. Make sure that they become good citizens. Make sure that they obey. Make sure that they
are kind to their brothers and sisters. Make sure that they make sure that they make sure that they.
How exhausting is that and honestly we suck at it. How good are you at making sure that your kids
whatever and it's not your fault. You're a good parent actually and can I just emphasize that for
a minute? You're a good parent. How do I know that? Here you are, you're on this video with me right now.
That tells me a lot about you. It tells me that you take this job seriously. It tells me that
you are conscious and connected and you're looking for ways to do an even better job as a parent, okay.
My opinion is you're a good parent and you may have been confused from time to time that
your job is to make sure that they whatever. Let's just set that aside, okay. Your job is to love them
no matter what and even if. Do we need to play the even if game? Like even if they disobey? Yes.
Your job is still to love them. Even if they hate you? Which they don't but they might send you that
message from time to time. Yeah, your job didn't change even if they fail, which we could have
other conversations about actually. Because what is failure? It's probably just a learning experience.
But yes, your job is still the same to love them. Even if they hook up with somebody you don't
want them to hook up with? Yes. Even if they break the law? Yes. Even if they get strung out on drugs?
Yes. Your job is to love them no matter what even if. Now, we could play the even if game all day long.
I've been a psychologist for 30 years, you can't shock me. I've heard some of the darndest crap you
could imagine and whatever it is you're dealing with it's just simply your even if, okay. Your job
is to love them no matter what and even if. We got it? Now, we could end the video right here but
I promised you some stuff. So, get clear about your job, and don't lose track of that. Everything that I
have to share with you is simply manipulation. if you lose track of what your core job is
to love them no matter what and even if. I need to clarify one more thing and I think I already led
into this a little bit when I said, "You're a good parent", I am not here to make you a good parent.
Is it possible to be a good parent in today's world? Absolutely, as evidenced by you. You are a good
parent in today's world. So, it's not my job to make you a good parent. I think my job is to help you
gain confidence. I want you to be a more confident parent with the tools and knowledge that you need
to move forward with confidence, to do the best job you can for your kids, and to do that I'm
convinced that every parent on the planet needs to understand the relationship between control
and maturity. I have summarized this in a visual model that I'm going to provide to you. This is a
free gift go to the URL on the screen right now drpauljenkins.com/stages and I'll
explain what the stages are here in just a minute. But I want you to have a copy of this print it out,
put it on your fridge, make a poster of it. Have it somewhere where you can refer to it because
this is the model every parent needs to know about control and maturity. Here's what the model means.
Let's start with control, control over your own life and I've put that on the up and down axis
on the model. So, you're going to have no control that's way down at the bottom or all the control
that's up at the top or somewhere in between and usually, it's somewhere in between. Now, on the other
axis on the bottom one is maturity. Meaning, how grown-up you are. Maturity is usually thought
about in age. So, think about this, at birth how much control do you have over your own life?
Yeah, hardly any, it's not zero. You can make a big noise and a big stink but that's about it. So, as
you increase in maturity you gradually gain more control and you'll see this with your kids, okay.
Little babies are completely helpless and dependent five-year-olds can do a little more.
10-year-olds can do even more than that. 15-year olds you see where we're going, okay.
So, as you get more and more mature you get to have more and more control over your own life.
That's pretty straightforward when you look at the visual model and again
go grab it drpauljenkins.com/stages I'll just put one in your inbox.
You can see this diagonal line that goes through the middle of our model. That just indicates that
as you gain maturity you get to have more control over your own life. Now, the parent's role is on the
top part of that line because whatever part of the control your kids aren't mature enough to take
somebody has to take and there's only two more options. Either it's going to be you as a parent
that's taking control over their life or if you default or you can't do it
the state steps in and this gets scary. I've been in the unfortunate position before of calling the
state and saying, "Hey, everybody's out of control". You guys need to step in. We don't want the state
getting involved. Let's see if we can help our kids to take control and then if they can't
or to the extent that they're not mature enough to do that let's make sure that you as the parent
are ready to do that and step up and take as much control as you need to. Now, here's where it gets
exciting because maturity is not just about age. In fact, we all know people who are kind of older or
grown up but they're still pretty darn immature. How we're going to define it here in just a sec?
And we know pretty young people who are fairly precocious and mature. So, it's not obviously just
age it's about stage and on the model you'll see that we've divided that into three stages of
maturity. The quick version stage one is the least mature. Stage one is characterized by being selfish
and self-centered. It's yelling and screaming, it's fighting, it's demanding, it's manipulating,
it's throwing tantrums. Does this sound familiar? Because you probably know somebody who's doing that stuff.
Now, that person might be a two-year-old which we expect for two-year-olds because that's
developmentally appropriate for a two-year-old. But it might be a 17 year old. It might be a 25 year
old. It might be a 38 year old. It's about stage not age and to the extent that we do those kinds of
selfish, manipulative, demanding things, fighting, yelling, and screaming, that represents stage one.
Okay, gut check parents, how often are you on stage one and if you're yelling and screaming
at your kids that's stage one. Okay, our number one video here on the channel four years running
how to get your kids to listen without yelling. Yeah, you know why that's so popular? Because we do
it all the time. We yell and then we feel bad about the yelling so we want to find better ways. We're
all in this together, okay, but that's stage one behavior. Now, let's go to stage two and take a look
at that. Stage two is where we stop fighting and start cooperating. At stage two we don't want any
trouble, we want to keep the peace. So, we're gonna comply. We're gonna go along. We're gonna try to
get along with other people. Now, notice when your kids do this. You are naturally willing as a parent
to give them more control, aren't you? Yeah, that's because they're showing more maturity. They're able
to control more of their own life and then when we move to stage three this is the most mature of
the three stages. This is characterized by values and ethics and morals. At stage three we care about
service and empathy which I define as understanding and caring. Those two important
components understanding and caring how someone else feels. See, stage three that really matters to us.
It's important to us that other people have a good experience too. It's not just about me...
that's stage one. At stage three, we're basically doing the right things for the right reasons. Now,
as a parent check in with that. If your kids are showing you that level of moral maturity. How much
control do you want to give them? Now, I teach this same model to kids in the form of parent
psychology because I want them to understand how their parents think. It's about stage not age
and as you increase in your ability to be morally mature as defined by these three stages you get
to have more control over your life. Now, let's get to the parents part of this because your
role as a parent remember, your job to love them no matter what, and even if, that's your job. Now, your
role when it comes to maturity and control is to take as much control as is necessary
based on the maturity of your kids and who gets to decide how mature your kids are gonna be?
They do, obviously. If you had your choice you'd just have them be on stage three all the time.
But they don't and they're going to lapse into stage one even if they're older. So, you need to
be ready to correctly identify the stage and then step in with the correct intervention based on
their stage of moral development and there's three c words that I'm going to share with you.
We won't get into all the details here on today's video. But this will get you thinking and then if
you need a little coaching come join us we're doing this all the time in our community at
Live On Purpose Central but take a look at the stages. So, if your kids are on stage one
the c word that I'm going to throw out to you right now is consequences. It's the only thing
that works on stage one. Why? Because that's their level of moral reasoning.
Look, the only reason that somebody does the right things on stage one is because either there's
something in it for me or I'm gonna get clobbered if I don't. You see how externalized it is? It's
kind of like training a german shepherd. You have rewards and punishments. You have consequences for
actions. That's how we handle stage one. Now, consequences will bleed over to stage two
but there's a big difference in the kind of consequences we use on stage one versus stage two
and it has to do with the dividing line between those two stages which I labeled as cooperation
on your model. If your kids are cooperating with you they're on stage two. Even if they're not happy
about it that's stage two. That means when they're on stage one you don't get any cooperation. This is
a big heads up to what we need to do on stage one. We have to pick consequences that do not require
cooperation. That's a big part of the coaching that we do and it's an important distinction
to make in your own mind. Now, if they're on stage too we can use consequences that require
cooperation but we're also going to add the next c word communication. This is where we get to have
conversations with our kids we involve them in the discussion, "Hey, this thing is not going
the way that it needs to", "I know mom I'll try to do better", "Okay, what do you think we could".
See, we're gonna have some communication. Don't even bother with those conversations at stage
one because it's kind of like teaching a pig to sing. It just frustrates you and makes the pig mad.
They're not listening at stage one they are at stage two because you've got cooperation.
Okay, now let's go to stage three. Stage three the c word that I'm going to give you is consultation.
If your kids are on stage three just sit back and smile because they're going to come to you and ask
for your wise advice and as you bestow that sagely advice on your kids their response will be one of
profound gratitude as they thank you for your kind wisdom and go home to their own five kids. It can
happen before they're actually adults but this is the level of intervention that's needed if your
kids are on stage three, back off they're handling it. They're being mature from the stage perspective
that I've shared with you here today. So, you got it? Consequences at stage one. Communication at
stage two. Consultation at stage three. That's your role as a parent. So, you've got it now.
Okay, your job is to love them no matter what and even if and then understanding those three stages
which if you haven't got it yet go get it, okay. drpauljenkins.com/stages. I'll put this
in your hands and then you'll have the reference that will help you to be the very best parent
that you can in today's world the way things are and you don't have to do it alone. We've got you.