- Hey, you shouldn't ever go to bed angry.
- You shouldn't go to bed hangry!
(Alicia chuckles)
Which is why I feed you at night.
- This is true. - Is this good advice though?
Don't go to bed angry.
You've heard it 1,000 times.
Let's explore.
Mended Light.
(upbeat music)
All right.
You've heard it a thousand times.
We've heard it 1,000 times.
Don't let the sun set on your anger.
Don't go to bed angry.
You'll only regret it.
- I disagree.
- Why do you disagree?
- Because sometimes in a confrontation or a conflict,
like things are in such a heated place
that they're not gonna go anywhere positive.
You need to stop and calm down.
And sometimes it's late at night.
And frankly, like there's not the time
to stop and calm down and then talk about it.
- Yeah.
Well, and depending on how tired you are,
there's not a lotta brain power there anymore.
Or there's brain power
for like the points you wanna make,
but saying them in a productive way
or in a way that's not destructive or harmful,
that's not there.
Or emotions.
Like I know...
So here's a fun little tidbit about our marriage.
- I love tidbits.
- I don't function well with low sleep.
You function surprisingly well with low sleep.
But then you've had a lot of practice.
- So much practice.
- Partially because pregnancy, feeling sick,
taking care of kids at night.
I mean, I would get out of bed to get them
and bring them to you.
But then you would tend to them.
And partially because she's married to a snorer.
Sorry about that.
So you function really well with lack of sleep.
I don't.
But conversely, you are terrible if you haven't eaten.
- Hangry is the thing at our house.
- Whereas if I haven't eaten, I kinda soldier on.
So like all different needs.
But like going to bed angry.
- So if you're...
Not you specifically,
but just people in general, right?
Like it's been a long day.
There's- - Me.
- People are exhausted
- Me specifically,
'cause I held onto...
I got this from my parents.
Don't go to bed angry.
Like you should always...
You know, we're from a religious family.
So like always kneel together and hold hands
and pray every night before you go to sleep.
And then that'll help you resolve all your problems.
And I tried all that
for the first couple years of our marriage.
And oh man, that was a spectacular train wreck.
That is not the fit for this relationship.
Because I was not
my best.
And I would try and resolve things with you.
- Yeah. And I'm more of a volcanic personality.
And I've tempered with time.
- You have. - And marriages and kids.
- But you would tell me, I need time and space.
And I'd be like, no, we can't go to bed angry.
We have to resolve this. - It's true.
- And you'd be like,
"You asked for it, pal."
And then I always regretted it.
And we'd go to bed even angrier.
And I'd be sent to the couch
or I would escort myself to the couch sometimes.
You know, like these things happen
- These things do happen.
So I don't think the point isn't so much go to bed angry.
Don't go to bed angry.
Which one's the right one?
There's nothing wrong with going to bed angry.
So the steps to conflict resolution.
We have a great course.
Fight Less, Connect More.
Right?
It teaches these healthy conflict resolution skills.
Because, let's be honest,
98% of us
this was not modeled in our homes.
It was definitely not modeled in my home.
- It doesn't come naturally.
What comes naturally is fighting or withdrawing.
- Yeah. - And so navigating conflict
in a healthy way is a learned skill.
- Yeah. And so the first step is to,
one, recognize that you're in an aroused state
- And not the good kind.
- Yeah. Not the sexual arousal.
But that you're angry, that you're frustrated,
that your emotions are high, right?
That you're in this aroused state.
You may or may not be thinking clearly.
And the next step is to stop and calm down.
- Yeah. 'Cause if you're in that aroused state,
you're not, like you said,
because you're not thinking clearly,
you're gonna say and do things that you later regret.
Maybe you said what needed to be said,
but you said it in a really awful, destructive way.
- Right.
- Or maybe you said something that you didn't mean
because you weren't thinking clearly.
Right?
You're more likely to say exactly what you mean,
but in a harsh way,
because you're tired. - Right.
- I'm more likely to say something completely stupid
that I don't mean because I'm not thinking clearly.
And I'm just very emotional. Right?
So it's important to stop
and calm down when you're highly aroused.
- So having that space.
And sometimes there, even with the stop and calm down,
if it's evening,
like there's not the energetic emotional bandwidth
to come back to that critical conversation
that needs to be had.
But can also be very emotionally draining.
- Yeah. - And so...
- It's funny.
People are too tired for sex,
but they're usually not too tired to fight.
Which I think that should be the opposite.
Like we need to have this...
We are gonna have an argument.
I'm too tired.
It's gonna go bad.
I wanna have this conversation tomorrow
when I've rested and have a clear head.
- Yeah.
And so the biggest thing with the stopping, calming down,
and giving the space.
And it can be as short as 15, 20 minutes.
It can be as long as a few hours or even overnight.
But the important part is you then need to come back
and have the critical conversation.
You can't stop and calm down
and then never come back to it.
Because that's not stopping calming down.
That's just denial or avoidance.
Or any of those things.
- Critical as in important conversation,
not critical as in being critical or criticizing.
- This is true.
And,
case in point,
in a previous marriage,
my husband would get upset about something.
And I wouldn't necessarily know what it was.
Right?
And so this one time he stopped talking
to me for three days.
It wasn't uncommon for him to avoid and retreat.
But to do it in a passive aggressive way,
which, you know, giving someone the silent treatment.
And I didn't know what was going on.
Like I had been there,
but I literally didn't know
like why he wasn't talking to me.
And then one day, three days later,
he started talking to me again.
And it turns out that I had just been really busy
with family responsibility, work responsibility,
all those things.
And he... - He felt neglected?
- Yeah.
And he was upset and felt like I was neglecting him.
And so that...
- So his solution is just to not talk
to you for three days and... - Right. Right.
- I mean...
- And then what? Did he come out of it?
Did he...
- Well, so then when he started talking to me again.
And I asked him what was going on,
'cause I genuinely didn't know,
that's when he told me.
You know, and we might look at that and go,
well, that's really dumb.
But that was just like a prime example
of coping mechanisms like throughout his life.
He didn't grow up in a healthy home
and he would retreat.
And that's how he would handle conflict.
And so it isn't with judgment that I share that story.
- No.
- It's just that we grow up,
but we still have these experiences
where we feel neglected or triggered
or not cared about or not seen or not heard.
And we retreat back to...
- Fight or flight kicks in. Yeah.
- Yeah. Sometimes a very childlike way
of dealing with conflict
because we haven't been taught anything different.
- Well. Sorry. - No, go ahead.
- So, I think it's important then to be strategic.
Because if we're upset with each other,
and it's late and we're tired
and it's just gonna get worse.
- Right.
- 'Cause I've definitely had with you,
but also in previous relationships,
where you have these conversations
that drag on into the night
because you're trying to resolve things.
And with each hour, it just gets...
- Right.
- It's clear there's not gonna be a resolution.
To strategically say, hey,
let's pick up when we're fresh.
Right?
When emotions have died down.
That I'm not withdrawing.
I don't wanna fight you.
And I don't wanna...
It's I don't want flight.
I don't wanna withdraw.
I just wanna put a pin in it
and circle back to it after we've had a good rest.
- Yeah.
And so that's the important part is circling back to it.
And knowing your needs and knowing your partner's needs
and balancing those.
Because for you in a place of conflict,
you would never
attack the way I will.
Right? - Yeah.
- Like I know when I'm at a not healthy place
and it's like, okay, we need to stop and take a break.
Not physically attacking,
but like I will chew you up and spit you out.
- Oh yeah. - Like, I am not
in a healthy place right now.
- And you told me, you're like, "You need to stop.
We need to not do this right now."
And sometimes I listen and that's the smart play.
And sometimes I'm just like, no, I need resolution.
And I press.
And then, you know, I regret pressing.
You know, this is just, it happens.
- Right.
And so knowing that balance of both partners' needs
and how they respond in conflict.
- There's certainly something to be said
for being able to resolve things
so that you could fall asleep in each other's arms.
And, you know, have great makeup sex
or great makeup cuddle.
Like I'm just saying that's not-
- Makeup cuddle.
- Yeah. - Okay.
- Well, sometimes one follows the other.
Or, you know, it's sandwiched
between like cuddle, sex, cuddle.
Like a little, you know, like a little love sandwich.
But the point is that that's ideal
and who doesn't want that?
But you gotta be realistic.
Is that gonna happen tonight?
And I know that we've had nights
where I've gone to the couch.
And after an hour, you've come out
and brought me back in bed.
And then we've talked about things we've been fine.
Or I've come back in an hour and I've been like,
can I come back in?
- I don't know if I've ever...
I don't think I've ever sent you to the couch.
Anytime you've slept on the couch,
that was your-
- I've stormed out?
- That was your choice.
- Yeah.
Okay. That's fair.
(Alicia laughing)
So we brought up Fight Less, Connect More,
our conflict resolution course.
This is a course that you take in conjunction with therapy.
If you would like to explore that option,
you can schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation
with one of our therapists.
The link is in the description.
If you enjoyed this #$h^TTherapistSay video,
check out this other one.
All men are addicted to porn.
That's what a therapist said.
All men!
Addicted to porn.
What are our thoughts on that?
What are your thoughts on that?
Clicky, clicky, watchy, watchy.
And let us know
- And remember to keep shining.
We need your light.
- We do!
Shine that light of yours.
(upbeat music)
All right.
Oh, here's the video we were talking about.
'Cause we do what we say we're gonna do.
And it's right here.