I don't think counseling works and my name is Paul Friedman. I am the founder
of The Marriage Foundation and I'm not the only one saying that. In fact, my
perspective is that traditional marriage counseling does not
work and I'm going to explain to you why that you're not alone. What happens when
you go into marriage counseling is they use a very what I consider to be a
primitive model for trying to heal a marriage and that is they're trying to
deal with the symptoms. They're not going to tell you they're dealing with the
symptoms because marriage counselors actually imagined that's not what
they're doing, but the first thing they'll ask you after they've wasted one
or two or three sessions finding out your history. They'll ask you, "Okay, what's
wrong?" That's like dropping a glass on the floor watching it shred
picking up a piece and trying to put it back together to heal that glass. It
cannot be done. What's wrong is the same thing that's wrong when you have a plant.
Okay. let's use that as an analogy. If you have a plant and you stop watering it
properly, fertilizing it properly or you let the
roots get too tight everything's going to be a mess. So, we already know that the
plant, if it's displaying some of the symptoms
that you have a mess and then all you need to do is go heal it but you already
know when you're going into a counselor, to marriage counseling that you have a
mess. You already know and unfortunately, it doesn't translate quite as simply for
a marriage as it does for a plant but we do know that when you have a plant
there's things you have to do to sustain that plant in a healthy way and same
with the marriage. So, what's happening by the time you get to marriage counseling
is you're at the end of your rope. Nobody goes to marriage counseling at the first
sign of trouble, nobody does that. They think, "Oh, it'll work out. Things will
improve. Let me give it time. What if he or she isn't ready and doesn't
experience what I'm experiencing?" And so, because you're not managing your
marriage properly, you're not running your marriage properly, you're not
maintaining it -- it keeps getting worse and worse and worse. So by the time you
go to marriage counseling, you're in a critical place and you need to start
healing right away. And in marriage counseling, that is not what they do
so it doesn't work. They want to dig into it, they want to find out. When I began my
sessions with couples and we're talking about light years ago, bear in mind, I
used to be a divorce mediator so I was already used to people coming in with
all the junk. And when I devised my system, I realized I wasn't interested in
the junk. I realized that in order to get the marriage back on track
my goal had to be not to analyze what's wrong. I knew what was wrong, everyone
knows what's wrong, "My marriage isn't working." I didn't need further analysis
people aren't stupid so my system was very simple. Let's get
you back on track. Let's tell you what you need to do
that's right. Let's start replacing the negatives by implementing the positives
right off the bat. I didn't have to say or go into in great detail, "Stop arguing."
They were arguing and you know what, people in this day and age think that's
okay and I'm going, "Wait a minute. It's not okay." They don't do that in marriage
counseling and marriage counseling, they think there's a proper way to argue. No.
Okay, why do I say that because I know I'm going against the general consensus.
I say that because and this is kind of cool,
pay attention to this. Why did you get married in the first place? You got
married to be happy. Hello, not so complicated. Well, if you're
happier than you were yesterday you're not doing anything wrong. You're doing
everything correctly but if you're not, it means there's a lot of things
potentially that you're doing wrong and there's a lot of things you're not doing
correctly. It became simple and that's what I worked with --
simple. I wasn't interested in what they were doing wrong. I wasn't going to
insult anyone's intelligence. I merely stated for example, you have to stop
arguing and then I would explain how you do that and that's where the energy goes
not into analyzing why you're arguing. You're arguing because you have a
disagreement and you don't know how to bring it back to a level of discussion.
You need an education in that arena, lack of intimacy. Why? I don't care what's
going on in your marriage that is hindering the lack of intimacy. I want to
give you the tools to increase the intimacy the way intimacy should be
increased. There is a right way in a wrong way and in our modern world we
don't learn the right way -- intimacy in our world. Tell me if I'm wrong. Intimacy
equals sex, and you might say, yeah except it also means and I say, no. It doesn't
mean sex at all. There's a universal problem with understanding marriage. And
so, how could marriage counseling the way it's done by most and
none of them do it the same way you know. How could that possibly work? We get
emails all the time at The Marriage Foundation telling us, "We've been in
marriage counseling now for three months and it doesn't seem to be helping." And
I'm going, "Three months, my God!" When I worked with couples
I made sure that they walked out of the first session positive, uplifted and with
direction and directions. How many sessions did it take with me? Not many.
Why? Because I just want to get your marriage on track, you're not stupid.
You know what you should do once you realize how it works.
Marriage is not rocket science. Now, I'm not saying there's not a lot of moving
parts. There's a lot of moving parts so don't try to do this on your own.
Again, we get emails all the time from people who go, "Oh, I listen to your video
and things seem to be working okay for a couple of weeks but now blah blah blah,"
depending on where you're from. Look, there are things that
you can learn that are fairly simple if your marriage is not in really tough
shape. And for that, you could use one of my books because it lays out marriage
very simply and succinctly. But if you're already sliding, there's way too much for
you to learn through trial and error. You need to be brought along step by step
and then it becomes a simple process that 99% of the people
who take the course gravitate to right away and then success is inevitable
which by the way has more proof of marriage counseling not working
because their success rate is below 10% -- way below. Our success rate which is
simple. It's based on principles and education and a step-by-step process.
We're over 97% success and I think it would be higher if we didn't encourage
people, "Try it, you have nothing to lose. We have an extraordinary
guarantee." For me, healing your marriage should be no different than
going in to have your car repaired. The expert knows exactly what to do and they
just do it. No big fanfare and that's how it should
be for healing your marriage that is not how it is when you go into marriage
counseling. It's very unfortunate. Now, we trained some marriage counselors
but I could go back all the way to the beginning when I began training them
in my living room, I think it was in 2008 or 2010 and I started with 13 and then I
had to fire some of our students because all they were looking for quite frankly
and it's something you need to be looking out for too. They were looking for
ways to keep their clients coming back. Sad but true.
They're not like doctors. Some of them have the doctor in front of their name
but they got their doctorate. They didn't become medical doctors, really big
difference. Now, I'm not putting down marriage counselors. Most of them who've
I'd met are nice people, great people. Some are a little crazy just like
everyone else and some are evil. I know some who
hauled off to jail, many who have lost their license for abusing their position
but they're for the most part good people. Unfortunately, they don't have a
style that is consistent. All of them used their own style and again, all of
them are driven. It's not their fault but they're all kind of driven to make sure
you keep coming back. So I truly understand if marriage counseling isn't
working for you. My suggestion, try our stuff. It's so much
easier, it's faster, it's clear as a bell. We have milestones, goals, things that you
need to achieve and then the end result is what's most important. The end result
is your marriage is happening. It's producing happiness every day, you're
more happy because we rely on simple principles, for instance, you got
married to be happier and you built your marriage or we're supposed to build your
marriage upon the foundation of love.
Love is a side effect when you're going to marriage counseling and for us
it is the crux of your marriage. So don't feel alone if you think there must be
something wrong with you because marriage counseling isn't working for
you. You're not alone. Don't feel there's something wrong with you and your spouse
that marriage counseling isn't working for you. Don't blame yourselves and go,
"Well, we might as well get a divorce." No, just put it aside, find us or something
else like us that can assure you of marital success. I'm going to leave you on
that note. I hope you subscribe to our channel, share this video at least with
your spouse so they don't think they're crazy too and maybe with others. Get
in touch with us if you need some help. We're here for you. We're a non-profit
foundation, nobody in this organization is encouraged to sell you something you
don't need. In fact, the opposite is true. We're here for you.
Blessings to you, blessings to your spouse and blessings to your family.
Thank you! God bless!