Guns are my best friends.
They're cool, they're fun,
and they've never stabbed me in the back.
Except for that one with the bayonet.
And for a while, the media was focused on all the students
and activists trying to take my friends away.
But the news cycle moves fast.
Today, we're talking so much about Kanye,
I can barely remember how many houses Sean Hannity has (bleep).
(laughter)
12, I think... at least.
But even if the media has moved on,
our guns are still being threatened.
Don't believe me? Get a load of this.
MAN:
to protest gun violence in this country.
The National School Walkout came
on the 19th anniversary of the gun massacre
at Columbine High School in Colorado.
Outrageous!
How dare these kids walk out of civics class
to put what they've learned into practice?
(laughter)
This is America.
If you want change, save up
until you can afford a senator, like everyone else.
(laughter)
Opposers, we have to defend our number one amendment:
the second one.
That's why, once again,
I want to salute some of our country's
"Guardians of the Guns."
-♪ ♪ -(yelling)
(cheers and applause)
Our first guardian is singer Alishia Wolcott,
who bravely refused to perform "The National Anthem"
at a minor league baseball game
because the stadium wouldn't let her carry a gun on the field.
And that's a huge sacrifice.
She could have gained
(laughter)
Besides, baseball needs guns to stop criminals.
Do you have any idea how many bases get stolen each year?
(laughter)
Thousands. They've even given out awards for it.
In fact...
(voice breaking): I heard of one man stealing someone's home.
(laughter)
And don't give me any of this
"You don't need a gun to sing 'The National Anthem'" crap.
The song is all about the right to self-defense.
It's got bombs and rockets and ramparts...
whatever those are.
(laughter)
I assume a kind of... flamethrower.
I don't know.
Here's what liberals don't understand.
It's possible to both respect "The National Anthem,"
and make a peaceful political statement.
See? No, Chuck, not that one. Not that one, no, no.
There it is! Yes!
So, Alishia Wolcott, welcome to "The Guardians of the Gun."
(gunshot, ricocheting)
Now...
(cheers and applause)
Every superhero team has a villain,
and The Guardians of the Gun have one
who is kicking freedom square in the Dick's... Sporting Goods.
Following the deadly high school shooting in Parkland, Florida,
Dick's Sporting Goods announced
it would stop selling assault-style weapons
back in February.
Well, now the chain is destroying all unsold inventory
across its four distribution centers nationwide.
That includes AR-15s
and other military-style, semi-automatic weapons.
Aah! (crying)
They're destroying guns!
God, I feel like I'm getting slapped in the face by Dick's.
I mean...
(laughter)
I mean, Dick's used to be fully engorged with guns.
You know, an upright,
rock-hard defender of the Second Amendment.
I used to be completely satisfied by Dick's.
(laughter)
But after Parkland, the head of Dick's got very sensitive.
(laughter)
Almost painfully so.
Now they're pulling out of assault weapon sales
and dumping their whole load, melting the guns down
until all that's left is a hot, sticky liquid
and a deep sense of shame.
(laughter)
I know! It's disgusting!
And completely below the belt.
(laughter)
You know what? I'm too upset.
I need, like, ten minutes,
and then I'll be ready to go down on Dick's again.
But for now, Dick's, you're the villain
of the
-(bullet ricochets) -(cheering, applause)
(exhales sharply)
Luckily, some brave fighters are standing up
to corporate activism...
even when the corporate activism isn't... actually happening.
NEWSWOMAN:
getting heat for cutting ties with the NRA.
It eliminated a discount program for the NRA.
That prompted the so-called #YetiCoolerChallenge.
Yes! Yes!
That's the kind of level-headed reaction
-I want from gun owners. -(laughter)
Violent revenge on a beer cooler.
Now, Yeti has called this story inaccurate, saying that it
"was eliminating a group of outdated discounting" programs,
and that "the NRA wasn't specifically targeted."
But that's not good enough for me.
Yeti, you need to take responsibility
for the harm you caused, just like the NRA would do
if it was ever responsible for something bad.
You think just because you didn't specifically intend
(chuckles): to cause harm, that you're somehow excused?
I call BS.
So, lady who's about to blow up a Yeti cooler with a rifle,
welcome to the
-(bullet ricochets) -(cheering, applause)
That food tub you paid $300 for
can't hurt you anymore.
Opposers, we need to fight to keep the Second Amendment safe,
because our guns are endangered.
They're like chimpanzees,
but they're actually worth saving.
(laughter)
And if we let villains like Dick's have their way
with our guns, we'll all be totally (bleep).