Translator: Tanya Cushman Reviewer: Zsófia Herczeg
The sting of offense is breathtakingly painful,
overwhelmingly confusing
and can last a very long time:
weeks, months or even years.
When someone hurts you,
it manifests as disappointment,
pain, anger, bitterness or even hatred.
Has anyone besides me ever felt the sting of offense?
For some people,
when someone does something that offends them,
that person is placed in the "enemy" category,
which gives rise to a condition called unforgiveness.
According to a study done by Johns Hopkins Medicine,
one of the leading healthcare systems in the United States,
being hurt and disappointed for long periods of time
leads to a condition called chronic anger.
And chronic anger places a person
in a continuous state of fight or flight,
which increases their risk for diseases
such as heart disease, depression and other diseases including diabetes.
That makes me wonder how many people have unforgiveness and chronic anger
as the underlying source to these diseases that I get to see as a doctor.
There's this famous quote by Nelson Mandela, which says,
"Resentment is like drinking poison
and then hoping that it will kill your enemies."
And this is especially true for a young lady by the name of Janel.
You see, she drank lethal amounts of poison,
hoping that it will kill her enemies.
And the question is,
What kind of pain
could a little girl have gone through
that will cause her to harbor such unforgiveness?
Well, I'm going to tell you.
Janel was a very angry adolescent.
She was filled with self-hate, unforgiveness.
You see, when she was in second grade,
she had a babysitter
that did the unthinkable to her.
Her mother left her with this babysitter,
as babysitters are supposed to be trustworthy,
they're supposed to be protective,
they're supposed to make sure that that child is kept safe.
But this guy had a different agenda.
You see, every time he had an opportunity alone with Janel,
he abused his authority
and took advantage of her tiny, premature body.
Confused, ashamed, afraid,
Janel never shared her experiences with anyone,
so the seed of hatred was planted in her,
and now it was sprouting in her adolescent years.
See, she was now filled with unforgiveness because she unable to change her past.
Her mother, unwilling to find out what was going on with Janel,
decided to send her to live with a complete stranger.
She sent Janel to live with her father,
a father that had been absent her entire life,
and neither her mother nor Janel knew this man.
But the thing is, when she arrived in his home,
instead of looking at her as his little girl,
he looked at her as a sex object.
And he did things to her that I dare not say on this stage.
I beg to say that they were totally inappropriate
for a father to do to a daughter.
But you see, Janel had mastered keeping secrets,
so this was just another secret to add to her closet of skeletons.
One thing about her, though,
is that she was very brilliant and very decisive,
and she came up with this plan to get out of her father's home,
and she was successful.
And she ended up back home with her mother.
However, when she got back home,
she was filled with even more self-hate,
more anger,
and she became outright rebellious.
Within months of being home, Janel found herself pregnant.
And can you believe that her mother
was not willing to investigate what was going on with her child?
So once again, she ejected Janel out of the home and told her,
"It's time to figure out life all on your own."
So here you have a teenage girl, abused, mentally disturbed,
no income, a baby
and homeless.
Fast-forward.
Janel's now a young adult with a school-age child,
and she meets a gentleman that she trusts, and they build a friendship.
She confides her secrets in him.
She tells him about her childhood experiences.
This gentleman appeared to be a very loving and supportive friend,
and so eventually, they developed an intimate relationship
and started a family of their own.
However, that family fell apart over time
because Janel's brokenness and her unresolved issues
and all that self-hate
became a perfect magnet for an abuser.
Janel found herself in the perpetual cycle of abuse,
going round and round.
The cycle of abuse is a theory that was founded in 1979
by Dr. Lenore Walker,
and what it captures is the pattern of behaviors
that happen in an abusive relationship.
Janel held onto the honeymoon phase.
That's the phase where everything is nice and calm,
but soon she was on a roller-coaster ride
because the tension would start to build,
and as the tension built, she knew what was next:
an explosion.
A big incident would happen,
and then it would be reconciliation, the apologies and the gifts.
And she found herself going round and round,
holding onto the honeymoon period.
Hmm.
But the abuser would just always remind her
of his judgment of her father's transgressions.
He would always remind her
that he was the only person that was capable of loving her.
Besides, her mother abandoned her and her father hurt her so deeply.
One night during a specific explosion,
the abuser started to barrage Janel with all of these insults.
He reminded her of the details of what she had confided in him
and of his judgment of what her father had done.
And as he's throwing insults, using obscenities, vulgar language -
a lot of anger and rage towards her -
she sat there in agreement with him with tears in her eyes.
She believed him.
But this incident was different, you see,
because right across the hall, in the room,
her school-age son was awake.
He was afraid.
He was confused about what he was hearing.
And the next morning when they woke up, he went to confront his mom.
He told her what he heard and asked about it.
And that confrontation rocked her to the core.
In that instance, Janel realized that she had to do something.
You see, she's a loving mother.
She loved her child.
And loving mothers will do for their children
what they will not do for themselves.
In that instance, she knew that she had to start by forgiving herself
for putting her child in such a toxic situation
and forgiving herself for allowing herself to be there as well.
So that started the process of forgiveness.
She started by forgiving herself for harboring such self-hate,
for not taking time to love herself
and for allowing it to trickle down to her baby.
And when she unleashed the power of forgiveness,
she realized, "Wait a minute. I'm totally toxic."
That was her thoughts.
She thought, "I have other people that I need to forgive
because I am now hostage to unforgiveness."
And there were three people in particular that she needed to forgive.
Number one, the babysitter,
number two, her mom
and number three, her dad.
First, she went through the process of forgiving the babysitter.
Unfortunately, she couldn't contact him,
but she still went through the process of forgiveness for him.
The second person was her mom.
She called her mom up and expressed forgiveness for her mom.
However, their relationship was irreconcilable.
Now the third call.
The most difficult one.
She called her dad,
but to her surprise,
he was far more receptive than she expected.
He actually changed his actions and his behaviors towards her
and for once,
spoke to her the way that a father is supposed to speak to a daughter,
with such love, honor and respect.
You see, her father's remorsefulness
became a magnet for Janel
to be receptive to his words of wisdom
and to reconcile their relationship.
There was another explosion in her home,
and she started talking to her father
about the things that she was experiencing,
and then she spoke to her father about the details of what had occurred.
He offered her words of wisdom that he had learned in Sunday school.
He said to her,
"Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It doesn't envy.
It doesn't boast.
It isn't proud.
It doesn't dishonor others.
It is not self-seeking.
It isn't easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrong.
It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes
and always perseveres.
Love never fails."
And in that moment,
a light switch went on in Janel's mind.
She knew that it was time for her to get out
with all six of her babies.
She knew that what she was experiencing was the complete opposite of love.
Janel's willingness to forgive her father
and his attitude change and his change of actions towards her
saved not only her life but the life of her children as well.
There's great power in forgiveness,
great power in forgiveness.
So let's start by talking about what forgiveness is not.
Because what forgiveness is not -
it's not co-signing craziness,
it's not condoning bad behavior when somebody does something that's wrong,
and it's not even reconciliation of relationship.
In this odd instance, though,
Janel and her father were able to reconcile.
Then it leaves me to wonder,
What is forgiveness then?
Forgiveness is a personal process
that each person goes through at their own pace.
It's a journey.
It's a process of acknowledging that, yes, the offense did happen,
this did occur.
It's laying it all out on the table, looking at it and saying,
"Yes, this did occur, but it doesn't define who I am."
Then, taking the occurrence and grieving it,
going through the grief process
with the hopes to arrive at this place called acceptance,
accepting that there's no looking back,
can't change it.
And then, finally, letting go.
Letting go of all expectations of that relationship.
Letting go so that you can move forward with your life
to be the best version of you,
so that you can live your life with purpose.
According to that same study that I mentioned earlier,
by Johns Hopkins,
forgiveness has many health benefits:
decrease in blood pressure,
decrease in stress levels - who can use some of that, yeah?
Yeah.
It also boosts your immune system.
It gives you mental clarity.
And it helps you to focus on this moment every moment,
as you are no longer preoccupied
with thoughts of the past incident,
over and over replaying in your minds.
There is great power in forgiveness.
Janel.
What a powerful story.
Do you want to know what happened to her?
She's standing right here, on this TEDx stage,
(Applause) (Cheering)
sharing her story with you.
My name is Monique Janel Walker.
I am married to an amazing man with eight amazing children
and on top of that, a medical degree.
(Cheering) (Applause)
I now help women find their voices,
redefine their lives
and live in their purpose on purpose.
I am Janel.
(Applause)