...itching, flaking, and red welts.
Scientists hope to have a cure by 2017.
And that's our broadcast for the evening.
Very quickly, I'd like to say
today was my last day here at Your 7 News.
I want to thank all my colleagues here
and the community that watches us here every day.
You have made my stay in this city much brighter,
and I thank you for it.
-Ohh. We'll miss you, buddy. -We love you.
Thank you so much, Bruce.
But before we let you go, our producer, Mitch,
has put together a little collection
of all of our fun moments over the past few years
and, from what I hear, a few epic fails.
-Ohh! -Uh-oh!
Am I saying it right?
-Trouble! -A few epic fails?
Don't ask me. I'm not even on Twitter.
[ Laughter ]
Well, we've enjoyed working with you and wish you all the best.
-Aww, thank you. -Let's take a look.
The fire started in my bottom -- pardon me --
in the bottom of the building.
The fire department [Chuckles] says they are investigating --
not my bottom, of course.
I'm Hector Ramirez --
[ Horn honks ]
Man: You suck, Hector!
[Bleep]
As you can see, traffic is finally starting to move
on the on-- [Bleep]
Historians say that Daylight Savings Time began
as a way to give farmers more time to work in their fields.
[ Scoffs ]
I'm so sorry. That is not for this story.
[ Chuckles ]
Not sure what that is. It looks like a -- Oh!
It's the penis of a whale.
Neighbors want answers from the city.
Wow, that is a lot of bird poop.
...but are they safe?
Tonight at 11:00, we take a loo-- Oof!
[ Horn honks ]
[Bleep] you!
This is why I hate this town! I hate this city!
[ Laughter ]
Well, it's been a real joy looking back.
Hector, you have a temper.
Well, you try working out there.
Honk! Honk! Honk!
[ Laughter ]
Well, thanks to our longtime producer, Mitch,
for reminding us that no one is perfect.
Thanks for watching.
Hold on, Bruce. Mitch is saying there's more.
-Really? -Oh.
All right. Here we go, dawg.
Here we go, Bruce. First day.
Big day. Big day.
Get in the zone, dawg. You da man. You da man.
You gonna do it. You gonna show them what for.
[ Grunting ]
-Um...Bruce. -Take it. Take it!
-Take -- -Bruce, we are live.
Good evening.
I'd like to welcome our newest member of our team, Bruce.
I'm Bruce. It's my first day, and I like --
Good morning, and also to my lovely wife.
Liz.
-Donna. -Donna.
All of these rabbits are on our website for adoption.
Oh!
-Uh-oh. -Uh-oh.
[ Chuckles ] Uh-oh.
-Adorable. -[ Laughs ]
Maybe I should join the party and -- and pee on you, too.
Let's take a look outside right now -- Whoops!
That's the wrong footage.
The miracle of life.
[ Stomach gurgling ]
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
-What's up? -Uh-oh.
I, um...a tiny -- I have a B.M. situation in my pants.
-A what? -I --
A poop. I pooped.
I-I pooped.
-Ohh. -I pooped in my pants.
Um, it's okay. I-I think I can get through it.
I can get through it. It's okay.
Man: In five, four, three, two...
Well, the circus is back in town, and...
I think Bruce likes you.
Ew, gross.
Word of advice. Don't sleep with him.
I tried that.
He kept asking me to pee on him.
Hey, Christina Sanchez.
I got some breaking news for you.
Yeah, how do you like that?
Huh?
You gonna [bleep]
You want to [bleep]
[ Grunts, sobbing ]
Mitch, what are you doing?
I-I don't get it.
Oh, Mitch is saying there's more.
Mitch? What's going on?
And now to sports with Stuart,
who is filling in for Chip tonight.
Wow. Uh, okay. There's a bunch of people.
There's a ball. Uh...
They're all in shorts, and it's being passed.
And then -- Okay [ Chuckles nervously ]
He pa-- He passed again back.
And then the other team, uh, took it for a while.
Whamsies! A goal, I think?
[ Snorts, gulps ]
Sorry.
Wow! That was awful!
[ Laughter ]
Great job, Stuart.
Have you ever seen a soccer game?
Thank God that Chip is gonna be back here on Monday.
[ Laughter ]
There are only -- Ow!
Ow! Damn it! Damn it! Ow!
Why are these corners so [bleep] sharp?
Make it look like an accident.
Everybody knows I deserve a shot at that sports desk.
I can't kill Chip! He's my best friend.
Oh, my God. That's a lot of money.
How'd you get this much money?
[ Rustling ]
What's that?
It's a plant, Bruce.
Just focus on murdering Chip.
How much will your water bill go up?
Right now, the DWP isn't say--
[ Bleats ]
Ma'am, I'm sorry. One --
Tonight at 11:00, we'll have part two
of Christina's exclusive story on tranquilizer--
What are you talking about?
Erotic asphyxiation is the perfect cover for a murder.
How would we even do that?
Okay. First things first.
Chip will need to have a boner.
So we're gonna need to slip some boner pills into his drink.
And then once his dick is hard, we take a rope,
we get it around his neck, we choke him to death.
Bruce: Oh, wow! [ Chuckles nervously ]
We -- We were just kidding around.
How did you get that footage, Mitch?
Yeah, we were kidding around. Mitch, what are you doing?
Mitch, stop, please.
Mitch!
God damn it, Mitch!
Tonight, with heavy hearts, we want to acknowledge the passing
of our dear friend and colleague Chip Swarther.
Chip, as you know, covered sports here at Team Your 7 News
for the past 25 years.
Such a professional.
Such a great guy.
Such a tragedy. [ Inhales deeply ]
[ Sighs ] We'll be right back
after a word from Snap Happy Cakes.
Man: And we are clear.
We still live?
What's the deal, man? You trying to get us caught?
Be cool.
I am cool.
-You're not cool. -I'm cool.
You're not cool, Bruce. You're giving it away.
-Don't push me. -I'll bury you.
I'll bury you with a dead hooker.
What? What'd you say to me?
I said I have a bag of lime and a shovel.
Man: And we're clear.
I have a new aftershave. It's called "Come to me."
All right. I'm leaving.
[Bleep] you!
What about wood chippers?
Do you have large vats of acid, by any chance?
Man: I'm sorry, sir, no, we do not.
Okay. [ Sighs ] Um, what about, uh...
Where would somebody find a large pack of dogs
that would eat flesh?
Hungry for flesh?
[ Speaking indistinctly ]
What's their number?
I just hate to see someone go out like that.
Why? What'd you hear?
Well, you know, I wonder if he was really doing
the whole belt around the neck, choking himself,
whacking off at the same time.
Or was he just trying to hang himself?
Ah. No idea.
-Yeah. -No idea.
But, man, I just -- I wish I knew.
I wish I could ask him.
I wish we could, like, go back in time,
and I'd run into the room, and I'd go, "Rick, stop it, man.
Rick, stop it. But before you do...
Does that feel good?"
Bruce: Oh. These are not bloopers.
Mitch, think about what you're doing.
Please stop.
Well, I happen to have a lot of cash to invest right now.
But I have to make sure that it's not gonna be traced back to me.
Okay.
All right, so, these are very realistic-looking whale penises?
If I were to get hit in the face, I would say,
"Wow! I know that's a whale penis"?
Right now, at least -- [ Mutters ]
Right now, scientists can all agree that --
Ri--
"Dear Bruce, I know what you did last summer."
[ Gasps ]
[ Bees buzzing ]
Got some bees here.
[Bleep]
Aah! Aah!
Look, I did it once. I'm not gonna do it again.
You're doing it again, Bruce!
Lo-- These necklaces are selling.
You want to get rich, don't you?
I -- Did I have any idea
there'd be a market for finger necklaces?
No! But I went with it.
'Cause that's what people that get rich do.
[ Sobbing ] Ugh!
Smells like dead body.
This car is ruined.
[ Sobs, gags ]
Now stop it. Seriously.
This is my last day.
This is supposed to be about me in a good way.
You know, wacky bloopers!
Hey. Hey, Karl.
I don't know if you're interested.
I, uh -- I got a line on some artificial whale penises.
Very realistic.
Karl.
[ Grunting ]
Shh! Good night.
[ Telephone rings ]
[ Clears throat ] Stuart speaking.
[ Grunting, moaning ]
Hey, hold this.
I told you to get the [bleep] out of here!
I told you to be quiet, get out of here!
[ Grunts ]
No! Hey!
Oomph! Not the nuts, not the nuts!
You got to come get this thing, man.
-It's stinking up my trunk. -What? No way.
My wife said she smelled it in the car.
Then you should kill her.
What, are you crazy? Are you out of your mind?
We could use her blood for the ceremony.
Both: [ Chanting ] Oh. Sorom. Provinasc. Dominai.
Oh. Sorom. Provinasc. Dominai.
Oh --
Stop tape! Cut the goddamn tape!
Why are you doing this to me?
I just don't get why you would show that on TV!
From a legal standpoint!
And some of it wasn't even news footage!
We love you, buddy.
Yeah, we love -- we love you so much.
-Love you, Bruce. -Good luck, man.
I don't need your sympathy!
I did not kill Chip.
He jerked himself off to death.
[Bleep] off, everybody!
Man: Great job! We are clear.
[ Fireworks exploding ]
As prices for retirement homes continue --
Eh! [ Clears throat ]
Whoops.
There's a stick. [ Chuckles ]
[ Vocalizing ]
[ Horns honking ]
[ Urine splashing ]
-Oh! Oh, oh, oh! -Oopsie!
He is having an accident.
[ Laughs ]
This is Stuart Hernandez -- Curb!
Stuart Hernandez, Your 7 News.