- It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago.
So that was good.
I'm feeling older.
I'm tired all the (beep) time. (audience laughing)
I've stopped just doing things.
Like, I don't even read anymore.
I just buy books and then take pictures of them.
Post those pictures to Instagram,
so people think I'm smart.
And I think that's a genius move. (giggles)
But I'm starting to feel more responsible.
Like, I finally changed my ATM pin number
so it's not the same as my NBA Jam password.
(audience laughing)
I have eccentric musical taste.
I like a lot of different types of music.
Thanks mostly to the BMG music club.
(audience chuckling)
If you don't know what that is,
it was a company that would send you about 12 CDs
and then just hope you would send them money.
(audience laughing)
They are out of business.
But I loved them.
'Cause growing up, they helped me expand my horizons.
'Cause for every rap CD I would get from them,
I would also get one that my mother would call
a white people CD.
And that's the one I'd have to hide under my mattress
or I'd wear headphones all the time.
So if she came nearby,
I could pretend like I was listening to rap.
So she come near me and I'd just be like,
♪ (beep) them bitches ♪
♪ Doing shit like they do, trifling ♪
(audience laughing)
You know those classic rap lyrics.
But what I was really listening to was,
♪ You know I'm such a fool for you ♪
You know, some real Cranberries type shit.
(audience laughing)
'Cause I'm a hardcore Cranberry.
Lately I've been real into making like vision boards
and dream boards and shit.
Okay, you all there?
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
You got to!
Why else you living?
(audience laughing)
If you don't got dreams?
- Right?
- If you guys don't know what a vision board is,
it's where you take a list of goals,
you can make a collage,
you could do whatever you want with it.
You have a list of goals, things you wanna accomplish.
They could be for your personal life,
your spiritual life, your career.
You could just put things you wanna buy, it's okay.
(audience laughing)
And you put that someplace where you can see it every day.
I put mine in my bedroom.
So as soon as I wake up, I sit up, and I can see it.
And I can go, okay,
these are the things I'm gonna focus on today.
These are the things I'm going to accomplish this year.
And then sometimes those things actually happen.
(audience whooping and clapping)
But most of the time they do not.
(audience laughing)
It's very frustrating.
But you still gotta have dreams,
you gotta have goals, you know?
Couple of years ago,
my apartment complex on New Year's Eve,
I was having this little vision board party.
Just hanging out.
Oh, you know how (beep) be.
We were just getting faded,
supporting each other spiritually and shit.
(audience clapping)
And my best friend Gabe was there.
And Gabe asked me, he's like, "What's your biggest dream?
"You gotta be able to say it out loud
"if you want it to come true."
And I was like, "My biggest dream,
"tell you the truth, Gabe,
"is I want a home base.
"I wanna be able to have a house for me and my son."
And then the next New Year's Eve,
we had another vision board party
in my brand new house.
(audience cheering)
And I was like, "Oh, shit!
"Why didn't I ask for more stuff?"
(audience laughing)
I don't use that word often.
In fact, I struggle on whether or not
I should use that word at all.
And I don't believe we should ever
use that word to hurt people.
But I do believe we should use it to shame our pets.
(audience laughing)
You guys are on board already.
You should be. It's just fun for everybody.
It makes sense.
If you own a cat that's an asshole,
or a parakeet that thinks it's better than you.
"Oh, you think you better than me
"just 'cause you can fly?
"(beep) you."
(audience laughing)
"You flying ass (beep) wouldn't be shit without me.
"I buy your bird seed.
"I buy the scarves you refuse to wear."
(audience laughing)
"Wear your scarf, (beep)."
(Ron laughing)
(audience cheering and clapping)
That's my favorite sentence in the world right now.
Wear your scarf, (beep).
When would that ever come up?
Just very considerate winter time gang members?
Like, don't forget the drive-by's later tonight,
but it's cold and flu season.
Wear your scarf, (beep).
(audience clapping)
Protect your neck.
(audience laughing)
It's been a wonderful year for me.
I recently turned 30.
(audience whooping)
Thank you.
I like that I turned 30,
'cause now I feel I'm gonna love the things I enjoy
until the day I die,
which is mostly ignorant rap music.
(audience cheering)
If you can rhyme titties with titties
I will buy your album.
(audience clapping and whooping)
It's difficult to get your friends into it,
who don't already enjoy hip hop,
'cause rappers make weird first impressions.
One of my favorite songs starts off with the line
♪ And I probably (beep) your bitch ♪
(audience laughing)
That's a horrible way to introduce yourself to me.
I guess I'll put this cheese plate back in the fridge,
as this dinner party has taken a turn.
I love having a son though.
I think the best thing about it
is that it made me wanna be a better person,
be more responsible, get a better job.
I didn't do that, I got into comedy.
Mostly because I found out real jobs
are so difficult to acquire.
If you can even get an interview,
they want to know way too much about you.
Like the soundtrack of your life,
or what type of tree you would be.
And I'm a bonsai,
but that's my damn business.
(audience laughing)
If you get past that, there's a drug test.
That's never fair.
One time they wanted to give me a mouth swab drug test,
which is where they take a piece of cotton,
rub the inside of your cheek to get your DNA,
and that's how they find out what you like to do.
And that's against everything I believe in.
'Cause there's no way
I'm gonna let you take something
that you made my people pick 200 years ago,
and then turn around to use it to deny me a job.
(audience clapping)
(audience whooping)
If I knew that's how you treated your employees,
oh I would've never have taken the time
to duct tape this Cheetos bag full of urine to my leg.
(audience chuckling)
That was a waste of mine and my son's day.
Having a son made me want to get a better job
and be more responsible.
And I had a good job before he was born.
I worked in tax services, which is a lot of fun.
(audience chuckling)
Not if you're preparing the taxes,
but if you're the guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty
popping and locking.
(audience laughing)
It's pretty cool.
It made me feel like a black superhero.
'Cause I thought me dressed as Lady Liberty
dancing to "One Nation Under A Groove"
has to be a skinhead's version of the apocalypse.
(audience laughing)
Were you guys aware that 40%
of all north American cats are obese?
Oh, that's not anything to chuckle at.
It's an epidemic.
And I'll repeat it, so we understand the gravity
of this situation.
40%
of all American cats are obese.
Which is only great news if you love fat pussy,
here's Skittles.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
(Ron giggling)
Thank you guys so much.
I'm Ron Funches.