Welcome back to the show.
Every week Donald Trump causes more emotional turmoil
than a marathon of "This Is Us."
With his terrible tweets, stupid policy ideas,
and bullshit bigotry, he's making the nation
and the world feel almost as crazy as he is.
It's so bad that it is literally impossible for us
to cover every terrible thing Trump does day to day.
Or is it?
I decided to do an experiment.
I sent our show's correspondents on a race around the world
to apologize in real time for everything
Trump did wrong in the two-week period from January 10
to January 24.
Were we able to do it?
Let's find out.
This is New York City, home of Donald Trump
and an entire city of people who hate him.
Today it is the starting line for the Full
Frontal Apology Race.
My four correspondents will race to apologize
to the world for Trump.
Over the next two weeks, these push alerts will tell them
whatever godawful, stupid, piece of shit, idiot thing Trump
has done in real time.
Then you'll have to find the person, place,
or thing Trump has demeaned, and apologize on behalf of America.
- What? - [INAUDIBLE].
Your first alerts have been prepared
and are waiting for you on that table.
On my count, you will run over to the-- oh, OK.
Bye, guys.
Good luck!
MIKE RUBENS: As the only man in the race,
I probably have a lot more to apologize for.
So I have that going for me.
- Mike, you suck. - Ow.
SAMANTHA BEE: And they're off with the first alert.
Airport. I got to go the airport.
SAMANTHA BEE: Mike's heading to Mexico,
because Trump spent last week on his favorite subject.
ANNOUNCER 1: The president just tweeted,
we must have security at our very dangerous southern border.
Hey,
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SAMANTHA BEE: Trump also found time to undermine
the Russia investigation.
ANNOUNCER 2: The single greatest witch hunt in American history
continues.
SAMANTHA BEE: So Ashley's off to find a leader of the House
Intelligence Committee.
Congressman Schiff!
I have to apologize to you.
Are you the one that keyed my car?
No.
ADAM SCHIFF: This is no witch hunt.
This is the President of the United States
not taking seriously an attack on our sovereignty
by a foreign adversary.
If we can't accept what the Russians did
during the election, there's no way for us to prepare to defend
ourselves in the next election.
I'm sorry Trump called your investigation a witch hunt.
And I'm sorry you have to pretend to like Devin Nunes.
I accept your apology. Thank you.
Oh, great. OK.
Thanks We can just cut.
So now that it's just you and me,
you got that pee tape or nah?
I am not allowed to give you any of the committee
work product, if it exists.
[DING]
SAMANTHA BEE: Trump also tried to speak English again.
DONALD TRUMP: It's very much better
having to do with North Korea.
SAMANTHA BEE: Oh, poor guy.
Words are hard.
AMY HOGGART: I need to apologize to the English language.
So I'm off to meet lexographers from the Dictionary
Society of North America.
One of my favorite words used to be tremendous.
And I just-- - Oh, god.
- --can't use it now. - I can't use--
I-- every time I use it now, I edit it out.
Yeah. STEVE: It's awful.
So many words have been skunked. - They really have.
Tremendous. Sad.
I'm sorry that Trump is flaunting the rules
of the English language.
You mean flout.
Flouted. Not flaunted.
I'm dumb.
That was easier than I expected.
Sorry, could we stop here, so I could get a little snack?
ANNOUNCER 3: Immigration agents today raided
nearly 100 7-Eleven stores.
SAMANTHA BEE: The early morning raid arrested 21 workers.
Hey, guys.
I'm really sorry.
Wait, what?
What did Trump do to 7-Eleven?
You snooze, you lose.
AMY HOGGART: Grrr!
I'm sorry, too, for something.
I'm sorry, but I didn't come here to make friends.
SAMANTHA BEE: They're off on their next assignments.
But in Mexico--
--Mike has 19.9 million apologies to go.
SAMANTHA BEE: Meanwhile, Amy's off to apologize
for the fake Fake News Awards.
Oh my god!
Hello Dan Rather. I'm Amy.
Nice to meet you.
What's this?
Oh, this is my book, "What Unites Us."
It's a good book. You should--
I'm sorry, we don't have time for that.
I'm just here to apologize for Trump's attacks
on the free press.
Well, I don't think that's necessary.
Because the press under attack tends to stiffen its spine.
The press is probably a little bit better
now because of the president's attacks.
I hope so.
So you're an optimist.
Sure.
Do you think I'm going to survive this race?
I think it may kill you.
SAMANTHA BEE: Trump honored Martin
Luther King Day by golfing.
How does a president screw up MLK Jr. Day?
SAMANTHA BEE: So Ashley's off to Atlanta.
Take me to where all the black people are.
Attention, black people of Atlanta!
I just wanted to apologize to you on behalf of America.
Don't know why they sent the black correspondent to do that.
Probably would have meant more coming from a white person.
Hi, sir.
You are very dapper.
And I'm sorry that America sucks.
Not you, sir.
And apologizing to black people specifically.
Just apologizing to black people for Trump.
Stay black and awesome.
You, sir, with the suit, I'm so sorry, Dr. King.
I don't know it happened.
But I'm sorry.
I think Dr. King would have really hated Trump.
And I don't think he would have cared
for reality show parodies.
SAMANTHA BEE: What's a week without Trump
screwing Puerto Rico?
We're in our fifth month of this fiscal year,
and we still don't have a resolution
ensuring that disaster relief goes to Puerto Rico.
SAMANTHA BEE: So Allana is in San Juan to face the criticism.
Oh, OK, ah! Oh, jeez.
Oh, god.
Probably think you're all going to shit on me, too.
Oh, my gosh!
I'm so sorry!
SAMANTHA BEE: Will she survive?
Will Trump keep tweeting?
And where will they go next?
It says I'm going to Haiti!
SAMANTHA BEE: Amy, it's a cliffhanger.
Sorry.