- Let's get that first suggestion then more,
more freestyle. What do you wanna rap about?
- [Male Audience Member] Pedophiles!
- I beg your pardon? You said, you said...
You said pedophiles?
- [Male Audience Member] Sorry, paedophiles.
- Yeah thank you, correct, you're paying attention.
Is that really what you want to rap about?
(Audience laughs)
- [Male Audience Member] Put you under the gun, yeah!
- You're going to put me under the gun?
What a horrible, horrible saying!
(Audience laughs)
Okay.
- [Male Audience Member] Or a microscope.
- A microscope, thank you! Put me under the gun
or a microscope, that's, I think we've made
the greatest scientific discovery of our generation.
(small explosion sound) Oh dear, I've destroyed the sample.
Okay, so pedophiles and the phrase "under the gun"
from that man there, um, welcome back, you're just in time
to tell me what you would like to hear a rap about.
- [Female Audience Member 1] Oh shit.
- Oh shit, yes exactly.
(Audience laughs)
Anything at all.
- [Female Audience Member 1] A rap?
- Yeah
- [Female Audience Member 1] French fries.
- French fries? Cool, okay. He said pedophiles
under the gun. (Audience laughs)
French fries.
(Audience laughs)
People, in this kind of shrouded enclave
here, what would you like a rap about?
- [Female Audience Member 2] Chocolate chips.
- You're not in that shrouded enclave (audience laughs)
but, but again, I feel like you've really, you've
had us in the gutter and then we required two women
to just be like "french fries and chocolate chips, Chris".
(audience laughs)
- "Ignore him, we're not all like him". Thank you,
person not in a shrouded enclave.
Let's come to the, the very back of the room.
People in the back, I wanna get you guys involved.
Did you, you're raising a hand to your mouth,
you're ready to bellow, you're like, yes go for it!
- [Female Audience Member 3] I'd like pussy.
- You'd like pussy? (Audience laughs)
Cool, what, what about it? Let's, let's expand,
let's be more specific.
- [Female Audience Member 3] That's all I have.
- That's all you have, well that's okay, if you had more
than that you'd be a hermaphrodite, which is fine.
(Audience laughs and claps)
Okay, and to keep up with the trend, welcome back,
what would you like to hear a rap about?
- [Female Audience Member 4] Uhhhh, boomboxes.
- Boomboxes? You're very, very quick and I feel
you've finished off the trifecta of alliterative suggestions
because she said french fries, she said chocolate chips,
you've said boomboxes, he said pedophiles,
and that lady over there said pussy, that's all I have.
(Audience laughs)
So really, you and you make friends, you three, well done.
(Audience laughs)
This, those are your five suggestions, I'm gonna say
uh, they're gonna be, they're gonna be great. We're gonna
turn them into beautiful improvised hip-hop.
Freestyle, made up on the spot, I know you didn't know
what was really happening but that's what's happening now,
um, I'm gonna ask my lovely band to come out with something
that we're gonna rap.
(Bouncy hip-hop beat)
Good lordy, ah, this is great, cool. I'm excited, I hope
all of y'all are excited as well, are you excited?
(Audience cheers)
Thank you, and there's really no need to clap,
professional drummer over there.
(Rapping) ♪ Came back from the bathrooms, imagine
♪ your surprise, English man on the stage, french fries, ♪
♪ you had to pause before, you were like ♪
♪ "You're a swallower". ♪
♪ The tension in my throat, waddled to McDonald's, I'm gonna ♪
♪ get that, or maybe In N' Out, or maybe Shake Shack, we can ♪
♪ have a real row, people fighting, they're like "I prefer ♪
♪ from the Burger King, more crunchy on the outside, then ♪
♪ soft within. I like to get it, I really wanna spoil, ♪
♪ Put it in there, I get a vat of fresh oil. ♪
♪ Never make it risky, always make it crispy. ♪
♪ If its burned, doesn't go down well, we're Chris T ♪
♪ It's my name, I'm not saying Christ, I've got a more ♪
♪ Sweet tooth so the thing that I like. ♪
♪ Off I go, I want cookies in my mouth, want a ♪
♪ Chocolate chip, given by Tollhouse. That's the brand ♪
♪ That I prefer, I got them in the kitchen ♪
♪ Stuff 'em in there, oh! ♪
♪ Switchin' up the bassline on the beat ♪
♪ Chocolate chip cookies my favorite treat. But if I wanna ♪
♪ Mix it up, make it more frozen, I'm like, ♪
♪ "'Sup Ben & Jerry, I've spoken to your manager ♪
♪ Would you do me a favor?" He's like "Yo I'll send you ♪
♪ A brand new flavor." Cookie dough with the ♪
♪ Double chocolate, want it in my little fridge where ♪
♪ I got a lot of it. I start swallowing it, I'm like ♪
♪ Eating it lots within my chops, then I pump out like ♪
♪ A boombox. BB, you can see me on the street, ♪
♪ Maybe on the metro, other people eat, they be like ♪
♪ "Ah shit, they're coming and they're playing, ♪
♪ All of the music on the subway displaying, ♪
♪ I don't wanna hear your tunes, it feels so odd, ♪
♪ It doesn't move my bod, I got the Airpods Pro, ♪
♪ So they canceling the noise that the boombox produces. ♪
♪ I don't like the trash music they they're giving out. ♪
♪ I'm like "No I don't need them", why they always ♪
♪ Playing shit like Ed Sheeran? Or other things from ♪
♪ The country that I'm from, where we say paedophile, ♪
♪ Get it properly, man, I don't want pedophile, ♪
♪ We pronounce the 'a'. If you were being bad, man, ♪
♪ Back in the day, let me say we can leave it out, ♪
♪ I won't believe. Most popular paedophiles? ♪
♪ Catholic priests. All of them, they used to have such fun. ♪
♪ I wanna put them under the gun. Well I don't really ♪
♪ Believe in punishment that's capital but let me talk about ♪
♪ The little phrase, I'm trying to wrap it all up. ♪
♪ Oh, I really hope you'll change your linguistics ♪
♪ For a microscope. Under the microscope, ♪
♪ Like a close inspection. I see your little pussy, ♪
♪ I get an erection. When I say little, I just mean in ♪
♪ The size, not underage, yes I provide. ♪
♪ Oh, don't get fussy, don't show the shyness, ♪
♪ You can say pussy, fufu, or vagina. ♪
♪ Any of the words are totally valid, if you wanna say ♪
♪ What you've got, yeah just tell it. ♪
♪ You're like "Yeah, my pussy oh so hot. What? Oh no, ♪
♪ It's all I've got, it's just right down there, ♪
♪ Its a real hick, you should see a nice vulva ♪
♪ And the size of the slit." ♪
♪ Oh, freestyle rap, that's what you get, ♪
♪ I hope it leaves your vagina appropriately wet. ♪
(Audience cheering)